First post of 2010
It's been a while and I've come back here to make an update.
Reading through from 2002-2004 my posts back then are something that I regret. But let's talk more about the last year or so.
Well, in 2007 I met and courted a nice lady by the name of Kylie Edwards who I proceeded to ask to move in with me. We moved into a place in Goodna with a friend of mine called Shawn who owns many vehicles. They start with his reliable celsior and track vehicle the celica. We moved in with him without him knowing that we were together. She worked for a good company - Theiss, a division of leytons holdings. The months passed and Pete moved in after some time, moving out of his home which was causing grief to him. He and his girlfriend (now wife) Bec, they were a welcome addition.
After a year though, the lease ran out, I decided it would be better if Kylie and I went and lived together alone. We were having trouble dealing with shawn and his constant stance on blaming Kylie for things. At the time Kylie had left her job at theiss, and instead decided to take on Tafe. I had given up my study and worked full time to help her out, her tafe certificate only needing 12 months to finish. She had horses not far away - 20mins down moggill road.
It wasn't long till we were cash strapped and desperate for money. Kylie was only able to work part time and had trouble with centrelink or something. My 24000 a year basically meant we couldn't go out at all. I decided we should play WoW together, just questing. You know. Because I knew that she would be happy to play again and even though i was worried about being addicted (again) I figured it was better than not being able to have something else.
Months later we were in much worse financial conditions.. Wow had basically stopped Kylie from finishing her TAFE. She lost most of her motivation to work and was depressed in general (whether or not from WoW is another thing). We had gone through a few Guilds and created our own. We had a large personal investment, we were one of the highest ranked players on the server and our guild wasn't too bad either. We had fights often between ourselves. Neither of us were happy anymore. I wasn't really allowed to go see friends or do anything other than work and raid. She wasn't happy anyway because she was depressed. My finances were stretched, i mean negative to the point where we weren't able to honestly get much in the way of food anymore. I still worked full time, but nothing could be done.
I stopped loving her, and i hated myself for a while. I blamed her internally for where I was. I was no longer studying, I was working a 14.XX dollar an hour job 38 hours a week and spending another 8 hours in transit. I wasn't moving my life forwards at all and I blamed her a lot, but I was scared, I also did love her. It was an emotion I havn't ever had to deal with before. I didn't want to be with Kylie any longer.
Eventually, I finally said so, like a coward mind you. I told her over the phone when I was asked to come home after heading to a friends house for a few hours. The courage failed me, but it was the hardest thing I had ever done. I don't remember the last time I saw her, because the last time I saw her was totally meaningless, I probably said "I'm bailing on this raid to head to dave's for a bit" or something. I called work on monday and said "I can't come in today" and i spent the whole day at university, I wasn't a student, its just where I wanted to be.
I spent the next few months with my friends, Dave and Gene and Andrew. All of them helped me out of my depression and I started feeling good again. We got drunk a lot, we made so many good stories:
One time we had headed to Gene's to leave our car at his place in southbank and have some pre-drinks before heading to Madisons. We had been drinking a fair bit (or I had been) and was slightly still self destructive (in the way that I was "I'm totally not going to care about getting a hangover"). We unfortunately between leaving Gene's place and heading to madisons crossed a group of teenagers, young ones. Talking about probably 15years old or something. They were passing around goon bags between them, about 4 goon bags between 12 or so of them, most of which were female. They were being loud and roudy and you could tell that they were kind of looking to make a bit of trouble.
We tried our best to avoid them but still they intersected us. Gene Dave and Andrew all ignored them and we walked past them... I watched one of them, he said "Look at me, I'm gonna do a flip" perched on a wall about 7 feet off the ground, just taller than gene at the end of the wall. So this tubby boy leans forward past the point of no return and pushes with his legs. His brain catches up mid air, it reminds him "You can't flip" and his body freezes, his face parrallel to the ground when it stops. He hits the ground face first but he's so drunk he doesn't feel a thing. His pride did though. His mate backs him up seeing me looking and says "I'll crate ya, ya cunt" holding a crate in his right hand.
I turn back around and keep walking i giggle to myself and elbow Gene saying "He did land exactly as you'd have expected, on his face". Sadly Chubbs's best mate Crate has caught up with us and has started screaming incoherently at us, well me. I responded with shitty internet speak (as I was feeling like a douche) and perhaps taunted this kid past his limits, he pushes me, I was so completely shocked that this school kid has touched me at all, that I wasn't at all prepared. I've hit the ground and Gene Dave and Andrew have all surrounded me looking menacing. Some girls come up pull back the Crate guy and say "Sorry sorry he's just drunk". Gene says "Whatever, we're just leaving OK. Just leave us the fuck alone."
We start walking off again thinking this will be the end of it.
Nope. Chubs has charged too aiming to push me (it's not surprising, I'm by far smaller in every way to any of my friends). Dave Andrew and Gene have all started holding people back, but all the girls charged in too to the brawl. Astonished, we would have been fine with just the guys, but with all 10-12 of them fighting it took Dave Andrew and Gene to hold off all the guys.. While still just you know, turning them around and pushing them away while we all back across the south bank bridge heading to the city, the same way we'd been headed the whole time. It all goes crazy, I remember a girl swinging at me over and over, and me just blocking it and yelling at her, and her friends coming from the side before turning to face one, and another charged me and i ended up on the ground. I got heels, feet, and a guy was punching me non stop for a while. None were actually hitting anything hard, but I was stuck. The guy was pulled off by Andrew or Gene or maybe Dave.
On the ground some time passed, not a lot I'd think I was just stuck and filled with adrenaline. Eventually some black guy pulls these kids off and screams at them. Now these kids run, and you could tell why, this guy was huge. I'm talking probably 120kgs and all muscle. He would have been more than six foot tall.
He asks me if I'm ok, and I say "Yeah I'm not really hurt" which i wasn't, no cuts or anything just would be bruised the next morning. He then says "why were those kids beating you? I replied "No idea, they were all drinking from goon bags and we happened to intersect them near the bridge which wasn't a good place considering they seemed looking for trouble..." my head still spinning with what just happened. "How old are you?" says the huge black guy "Oh i'm twenty three" I reply, battered by the school children. "NO you don't have to lie, how old are you?" I hung my head in shame, it was the first pain I had felt all night. I didn't know how to explain that I was just beaten up, and then confused as a teenager.
There are more stories like that but I can't tell them all. They mostly involve madisons. Like the new years eve party and ending up with lots of korean girls phone numbers. I tried doing that because i was so worried about being attractive, and manly, and all those kinds of things that you stop thinking about when you're dating someone for a couple of years.
There's another time where we did karaoke on Dave's birthday and I was so drunk that when let out next to my house, I got lost and passed out mentally on the golf course. Next thing I remembered was being in my bed. My father said he had found me hugging the toilet bowel.
There's another where we'd had a party at Gene's place and lots of people were there, we played drinking games and we forced dave to drink three random cocktails of godawful alcohol.
There's another when on thursday I said I wanted to go to the beach, and Dave had just graduated and said he just wanted to get drunk overlooking something from a balcony, so I found a booking for that friday and stuffed an escy with beer and stuff to take to Mooloolabah. Myself Dave Elise and Andrew stayed in this double queen room drinking in the room, and went out on the town for lunch. We met the locals and played in a games shop for about 2 hours being friendly to the nicest sales girl ever.
We then got Gene to come with with Ava to stay with his grandma. We ate curry and the next day went into the beach. It was just so good.
There's about 5-10 bbq's that I've not recounted because they're kind of all mashed up into one in my head. There's a bunch of random gatherings too that's been the same.
All this meant was I really found myself this year again. Who I am when I'm just by myself. I spent all of 2009 (when not drinking hard problems away) earning money at that full time job. I worked there all year and paid off all of my debts, and even made enough money to buy a new car. Well new to me. I like the car, but it has its issues. It's 20 years old.
In 2010 I moved back in with my parents in St Lucia, since then to now I've quit my job and started full time study. I'm taking 4 subjects, I think I only need 9 in total to complete the whole degree. I've just finished the first week. Sure everyone finished their degree's last year but maybe I'll finish mine this year. If not I'll be darn close to finishing it just before I'm 25. Well time will tell. I never know what my future holds. I won't try and guess anything I'll just keep doing what I think is right.
If I had to give an idea for future me of how I feel? I'm so happy. It's selfish, but I'm proud of myself for being man enough to recognise the problems that I had in that relationship. I'm so lucky to have strong supportive friends like Dave Elise Andrew Gene Koji and even if Pete wasn't there to help so much I still love him no less. I don't really have any regrets, everything I did this year has accumulated to me sitting here right now proud enough to bother posting here. I've accomplished not a lot for three years, but 2009 was one of the best years of my life.
Reading through from 2002-2004 my posts back then are something that I regret. But let's talk more about the last year or so.
Well, in 2007 I met and courted a nice lady by the name of Kylie Edwards who I proceeded to ask to move in with me. We moved into a place in Goodna with a friend of mine called Shawn who owns many vehicles. They start with his reliable celsior and track vehicle the celica. We moved in with him without him knowing that we were together. She worked for a good company - Theiss, a division of leytons holdings. The months passed and Pete moved in after some time, moving out of his home which was causing grief to him. He and his girlfriend (now wife) Bec, they were a welcome addition.
After a year though, the lease ran out, I decided it would be better if Kylie and I went and lived together alone. We were having trouble dealing with shawn and his constant stance on blaming Kylie for things. At the time Kylie had left her job at theiss, and instead decided to take on Tafe. I had given up my study and worked full time to help her out, her tafe certificate only needing 12 months to finish. She had horses not far away - 20mins down moggill road.
It wasn't long till we were cash strapped and desperate for money. Kylie was only able to work part time and had trouble with centrelink or something. My 24000 a year basically meant we couldn't go out at all. I decided we should play WoW together, just questing. You know. Because I knew that she would be happy to play again and even though i was worried about being addicted (again) I figured it was better than not being able to have something else.
Months later we were in much worse financial conditions.. Wow had basically stopped Kylie from finishing her TAFE. She lost most of her motivation to work and was depressed in general (whether or not from WoW is another thing). We had gone through a few Guilds and created our own. We had a large personal investment, we were one of the highest ranked players on the server and our guild wasn't too bad either. We had fights often between ourselves. Neither of us were happy anymore. I wasn't really allowed to go see friends or do anything other than work and raid. She wasn't happy anyway because she was depressed. My finances were stretched, i mean negative to the point where we weren't able to honestly get much in the way of food anymore. I still worked full time, but nothing could be done.
I stopped loving her, and i hated myself for a while. I blamed her internally for where I was. I was no longer studying, I was working a 14.XX dollar an hour job 38 hours a week and spending another 8 hours in transit. I wasn't moving my life forwards at all and I blamed her a lot, but I was scared, I also did love her. It was an emotion I havn't ever had to deal with before. I didn't want to be with Kylie any longer.
Eventually, I finally said so, like a coward mind you. I told her over the phone when I was asked to come home after heading to a friends house for a few hours. The courage failed me, but it was the hardest thing I had ever done. I don't remember the last time I saw her, because the last time I saw her was totally meaningless, I probably said "I'm bailing on this raid to head to dave's for a bit" or something. I called work on monday and said "I can't come in today" and i spent the whole day at university, I wasn't a student, its just where I wanted to be.
I spent the next few months with my friends, Dave and Gene and Andrew. All of them helped me out of my depression and I started feeling good again. We got drunk a lot, we made so many good stories:
One time we had headed to Gene's to leave our car at his place in southbank and have some pre-drinks before heading to Madisons. We had been drinking a fair bit (or I had been) and was slightly still self destructive (in the way that I was "I'm totally not going to care about getting a hangover"). We unfortunately between leaving Gene's place and heading to madisons crossed a group of teenagers, young ones. Talking about probably 15years old or something. They were passing around goon bags between them, about 4 goon bags between 12 or so of them, most of which were female. They were being loud and roudy and you could tell that they were kind of looking to make a bit of trouble.
We tried our best to avoid them but still they intersected us. Gene Dave and Andrew all ignored them and we walked past them... I watched one of them, he said "Look at me, I'm gonna do a flip" perched on a wall about 7 feet off the ground, just taller than gene at the end of the wall. So this tubby boy leans forward past the point of no return and pushes with his legs. His brain catches up mid air, it reminds him "You can't flip" and his body freezes, his face parrallel to the ground when it stops. He hits the ground face first but he's so drunk he doesn't feel a thing. His pride did though. His mate backs him up seeing me looking and says "I'll crate ya, ya cunt" holding a crate in his right hand.
I turn back around and keep walking i giggle to myself and elbow Gene saying "He did land exactly as you'd have expected, on his face". Sadly Chubbs's best mate Crate has caught up with us and has started screaming incoherently at us, well me. I responded with shitty internet speak (as I was feeling like a douche) and perhaps taunted this kid past his limits, he pushes me, I was so completely shocked that this school kid has touched me at all, that I wasn't at all prepared. I've hit the ground and Gene Dave and Andrew have all surrounded me looking menacing. Some girls come up pull back the Crate guy and say "Sorry sorry he's just drunk". Gene says "Whatever, we're just leaving OK. Just leave us the fuck alone."
We start walking off again thinking this will be the end of it.
Nope. Chubs has charged too aiming to push me (it's not surprising, I'm by far smaller in every way to any of my friends). Dave Andrew and Gene have all started holding people back, but all the girls charged in too to the brawl. Astonished, we would have been fine with just the guys, but with all 10-12 of them fighting it took Dave Andrew and Gene to hold off all the guys.. While still just you know, turning them around and pushing them away while we all back across the south bank bridge heading to the city, the same way we'd been headed the whole time. It all goes crazy, I remember a girl swinging at me over and over, and me just blocking it and yelling at her, and her friends coming from the side before turning to face one, and another charged me and i ended up on the ground. I got heels, feet, and a guy was punching me non stop for a while. None were actually hitting anything hard, but I was stuck. The guy was pulled off by Andrew or Gene or maybe Dave.
On the ground some time passed, not a lot I'd think I was just stuck and filled with adrenaline. Eventually some black guy pulls these kids off and screams at them. Now these kids run, and you could tell why, this guy was huge. I'm talking probably 120kgs and all muscle. He would have been more than six foot tall.
He asks me if I'm ok, and I say "Yeah I'm not really hurt" which i wasn't, no cuts or anything just would be bruised the next morning. He then says "why were those kids beating you? I replied "No idea, they were all drinking from goon bags and we happened to intersect them near the bridge which wasn't a good place considering they seemed looking for trouble..." my head still spinning with what just happened. "How old are you?" says the huge black guy "Oh i'm twenty three" I reply, battered by the school children. "NO you don't have to lie, how old are you?" I hung my head in shame, it was the first pain I had felt all night. I didn't know how to explain that I was just beaten up, and then confused as a teenager.
There are more stories like that but I can't tell them all. They mostly involve madisons. Like the new years eve party and ending up with lots of korean girls phone numbers. I tried doing that because i was so worried about being attractive, and manly, and all those kinds of things that you stop thinking about when you're dating someone for a couple of years.
There's another time where we did karaoke on Dave's birthday and I was so drunk that when let out next to my house, I got lost and passed out mentally on the golf course. Next thing I remembered was being in my bed. My father said he had found me hugging the toilet bowel.
There's another where we'd had a party at Gene's place and lots of people were there, we played drinking games and we forced dave to drink three random cocktails of godawful alcohol.
There's another when on thursday I said I wanted to go to the beach, and Dave had just graduated and said he just wanted to get drunk overlooking something from a balcony, so I found a booking for that friday and stuffed an escy with beer and stuff to take to Mooloolabah. Myself Dave Elise and Andrew stayed in this double queen room drinking in the room, and went out on the town for lunch. We met the locals and played in a games shop for about 2 hours being friendly to the nicest sales girl ever.
We then got Gene to come with with Ava to stay with his grandma. We ate curry and the next day went into the beach. It was just so good.
There's about 5-10 bbq's that I've not recounted because they're kind of all mashed up into one in my head. There's a bunch of random gatherings too that's been the same.
All this meant was I really found myself this year again. Who I am when I'm just by myself. I spent all of 2009 (when not drinking hard problems away) earning money at that full time job. I worked there all year and paid off all of my debts, and even made enough money to buy a new car. Well new to me. I like the car, but it has its issues. It's 20 years old.
In 2010 I moved back in with my parents in St Lucia, since then to now I've quit my job and started full time study. I'm taking 4 subjects, I think I only need 9 in total to complete the whole degree. I've just finished the first week. Sure everyone finished their degree's last year but maybe I'll finish mine this year. If not I'll be darn close to finishing it just before I'm 25. Well time will tell. I never know what my future holds. I won't try and guess anything I'll just keep doing what I think is right.
If I had to give an idea for future me of how I feel? I'm so happy. It's selfish, but I'm proud of myself for being man enough to recognise the problems that I had in that relationship. I'm so lucky to have strong supportive friends like Dave Elise Andrew Gene Koji and even if Pete wasn't there to help so much I still love him no less. I don't really have any regrets, everything I did this year has accumulated to me sitting here right now proud enough to bother posting here. I've accomplished not a lot for three years, but 2009 was one of the best years of my life.