Nightmares - Chapter 2
Hey! :D
The second chapter is here! There's just another one left!
I'd love to read your opinions about this, it's really important to me!
Thanks to all of you who read and commented and to faithsummers80 faithsummers80and afattribble for being great betas!
Chapter 1 is here: http://skysthelimit-7.livejournal.com/6517.html
Chapter 2
Jim didn’t forget the “nightmare incident”. Not at all.
They hadn’t discussed the matter since that night because Spock kept changing the subject or avoiding the question any time he asked, but Jim had watched him more carefully since then. He frequently asked Uhura about him; they weren’t together anymore, but they were still good friends, and Spock shared a lot of things with her. The thing is, Uhura always told Jim with a concerned expression that Spock was meditating. Maybe Spock needed more rest and less meditation to get really, properly well. Jim constantly watched his First Officer, noticing how the fatigue grew a little more every day, making him less graceful; not so perfectly polite.
Yeah, he was worried. More than that. He felt helpless - Spock wouldn’t let him try to help, no, he had to do it on his own. He wanted to trust him, to wait until he solved his own problems, but it didn’t seem to be working at all. But still, Jim didn’t think that pushing would be a good idea; he didn’t want to make Spock feel vulnerable or something.
But he was on the edge, Jim knew.
And his suspicions proved true when, after a long and dangerous mission, Spock simply… collapsed. Jim, cursing himself, caught him in his arms before he hit the floor. Shit, he shouldn’t have let him go with them, should’ve tried to speak to him, or just ask Bones for advice… he should have forced Spock to sleep somehow. My God, what if that had happened ten minutes ago, when they were surrounded by hostile natives? He could have died!
Jim came back to reality when McCoy pushed him aside to examine Spock with a concerned expression. The half-Vulcan opened his eyes numbly.
“I am well, doctor,” Spock’s weak tone made Jim hate himself even more. What if he had died, what then? What would’ve he done without his First, his partner, his friend? And it was all because he didn’t fucking do anything when he had the chance.
He had failed Spock again - when his friend wasn’t well enough to think properly he should have been there to help, to guide him even if Spock didn’t want him to. But no, he just stood there watching as Spock got worse. Vulcans weren’t superheroes, they also needed help sometimes! And Jim hadn’t seen that Spock was worse than he seemed in time. Again.
He hated himself so much for this.
“I’ll take you to Sickbay,” McCoy said, less worried than before, now that he knew Spock was merely fatigued and not dangerously ill.
“That will not be necessary,” the Vulcan protested, but his faint voice didn’t help in convincing Bones otherwise. “I merely require rest.”
“Yeah, rest is what you need, Spock. It’s not really a hard thing to do, you know.” Bones half-closed his eyes, sending a poisonous look at Spock to cover the anger and concern he was feeling inside. “But you’ve been denyin’ it to your body for how long, a month? That’s too much, even for you. I’m taking you to Sickbay and making sure you have a long, peaceful sleep.”
A flicker of anxiety passed through Spock’s eyes as he turned to look at Jim. He asked for help silently, letting his expression show a bit of fear - which probably meant that inside he was really frightened.
“It’s okay, Bones,” said Kirk, responding to those pleading eyes. “I’ll take him to his quarters and make sure he sleeps, okay?”
Doctor McCoy said nothing, gaze wandering between the two of them. He finally rolled his eyes, surrendering before the determined expression on Jim’s face.
“Fine, but tomorrow Spock will come to Sickbay for a full exam, and if I don’t see any signs of improvement I’m keeping him for a week.”
Wow, Bones did know how to threaten people.
“Deal.” Jim smiled at the doctor and helped Spock to stand up, even though he knew Spock disliked needing help at all. But Jim didn’t care about that anymore - he wouldn’t make the mistake of letting Spock try to deal with things on his own again.
They walked in silence to Spock’s quarters, and once Kirk had Spock sitting on the bed he allowed himself to study the Vulcan cautiously. He looked paler than usual, and had greenish shadows under his eyes. He looked thinner too, but maybe that was just his imagination - because yeah, he was getting paranoid. He had reasons, okay?
“C’mon, get into bed.”
Spock looked up at him with a raised eyebrow and then down at his own body. He was covered in dirt and blood, just like Jim was.
“I shall have a sonic shower first.”
“Fine. I’m gonna take a shower too, but I’ll be back, and if you’re not in bed by then I’ll get really, really pissed.”
And by that, he meant he’d take Spock to McCoy. By the look on his friend’s face, Jim could tell the threat had worked.
“Fifteen minutes,” Jim announced, turning to exit the room.
Jim took a hot shower, allowing himself to feel the concern, the fear. The thought of Spock dying down there on the planet made him shiver, and not only because Jim could have been somewhat responsible for that death. He couldn’t imagine the Enterprise without Spock… and no, he couldn’t handle the thought of Spock out of his life either. Being without their talks, their chess games, without his oh so logical advice… Not seeing his dark eyes ever again, his raised eyebrows, his adorable not-smile... Just thinking about losing any of it made him feel sick.
Uh, okay, maybe it was not a good idea to let his mind wander that far.
Kirk got out of the shower, leaving all the weird thoughts behind happily, and dressed fast. Would Spock be sleeping already? Would he have nightmares again?
He didn’t call, thinking that maybe Spock was already asleep, so he entered his quarters cautiously. But no, the lights were on and the Vulcan was sitting on the bed, with a sheet covering his legs.
“I thought I told you to sleep, Spock.”
“You said that you wanted me to ‘be in bed’, Captain.”
Shit, he was right.
“Well, I want you to sleep now.”
A weird look crossed Spock’s eyes, but he quickly made it disappear, replacing it with something that was supposed to look like serenity.
“Jim, it is not logical to sleep when I do not derive any rest or calm from it. Meditation is the only thing that helps me to remain in balance.”
What? How could Spock be saying something this stupid? How could he say that sleeping was illogical when he’d die of exhaustion if he didn’t?
But of course.
He’d probably never admit it, but he was scared of the nightmares, of the lack of control they brought.
Jim smiled warmly. “I’ll wake you up if the nightmares come back.”
“That is not the matter of…”
“Look, Spock, you need to sleep. You’re on edge and you know it, and that’s why I’m here. I promise I’ll wake you up if you have those dreams again.”
Spock knew he was right, of course. His body needed rest and his mind as well. He had to try.
Finally, the Vulcan nodded and lay down. After a few minutes his body surrendered and he fell asleep. At last. Jim sighed in relief, his chest feeling lighter.
He watched Spock for some more minutes, making sure he wasn’t faking it or anything, and then looked at the old book he had brought. Jim didn’t really want to read, but it was that or watching Spock sleep - and that’d be… weird. So he opened the book.
In ten minutes he was asleep.
A faint sound woke Jim up. Spock.
Jim ran towards his friend’s bed and shook Spock by the shoulders. The half-Vulcan opened his eyes with a gasp and recognized him after a few seconds.
“I told you, I… I told you it was not wise…”
“Hey, it’s all right,” Jim murmured, forgetting Spock wasn’t human and running his fingers through his dark hair. He hated seeing Spock that way…
“I cannot control…” His whole body was shaking from the emotions he was suffering, and Jim wished he could take all that away, absorb it somehow so Spock didn’t have to go through this horrible situation. Jim would’ve done anything to help him… Anything for Spock.
“It’s okay,” Jim repeated, lying by Spock’s side. “I’m here.”
Jim put a hand on Spock’s cheek, trying to comfort him somehow. The half-Vulcan closed his eyes, inhaling deeply - he seemed a bit better. Maybe he wasn’t as different from humans as he thought.
Minutes passed, and neither of them moved. Spock looked more relaxed now, and he wasn’t shaking anymore. Maybe if Jim stayed by his side, just like this, Spock would feel safer. Jim sighed, relieved.
“Your mind is serene. There is worry and pain and anxiety, but inside there is calm too. It is… reassuring.”
Of course, he’d forgotten Spock was a touch telepath. Jim wondered what he’d seen, what he’d sensed from him. Did he like it?
How would Spock’s mind be?
Spock placed his hand on Jim’s cheek softly, in a gentle caress. Jim closed his eyes at the pleasing touch, relaxing and calming more and more to help Spock, who pulled him closer.
“Let me,” Jim asked in a whisper, knowing that Spock would understand.
“I cannot do that.”
Spock’s hand traced a path down Jim’s neck with long, warm fingers. Jim would never admit that he trembled with pleasure, needing more, needing everything Spock could give him.
“I can help you handle it,” Kirk’s voice sounded weak because of the stroking, but he didn’t care. He needed…
“My emotions are too strong to share with a human mind now.”
“They are too strong for you as well.”
Spock got even closer, his breath on Jim’s lips. Oh fuck, Jim wanted to kiss him so much…
He usually forced himself to forget about it, not to look inside of him, because this… this thing he felt - he tried not to feel - for Spock wasn’t normal. He knew it wasn’t, and he didn’t want to figure out what it was, not really, ‘cause he’d probably freak out. But now they were so close and Spock was touching him and he couldn’t help feeling and…
And he remembered that Spock was reading his mind. Great, Jim, just great. Shit shit shit.
Jim opened his eyes with fear. Would Spock turn his back on him? Would he still trust him? Would it be too weird for him? Too much?
Spock looked… surprised. His eyes kept moving from his eyes, to his face, to his mouth. His lips were parted, as if in shock.
It was never going to be the same again. This was gonna change it all, ruin it all.
“No.”
Jim blinked in confusion. Was he replying to his thought?
“Spock?”
His First Officer never answered. He put his fingers just where the older Spock had and gave him an intense look before saying the words: “My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts.”
The emotions hit him instantly, so mixed and strong he couldn’t distinguish one from another for a long time. There were thoughts, too, Spock’s. I am sorry Jim, I do not wish to hurt you, I am sorry… But he was thinking about his mother at the same time I never told her that I loved her, I miss her… I cannot control… too much to bear… My home, my planet… there is nothing left… I could not help it…
This was so wrong. Jim knew he had to do something, but he was sinking into the sadness, longing, pain, gratefulness, love. He was losing himself in all of it.
It was asphyxiating. It hurt, it hurt so much. Mother… He loved her so much… The planet, his planet destroyed, gone, all the people, his mother… Please, please, someone make those memories stop…
I did not wish to make you cry.
A hand caressed his cheek. Or maybe he caressed someone’s wet cheek. And it felt good, really good, like he wasn’t so alone.
Jim.
Appreciation, friendship. He felt the same way too - he sensed his response to Spock’s feelings, and Spock instantly receiving it with gratitude. Yes… it was Spock’s feelings he was experiencing, not his own… But they were now inside of him - he was sharing them with Spock, helping him to bear them.
Thank you, Jim, Spock’s voice filled his mind, his heart. He felt warmness everywhere.
I would do anything for you. He didn’t actually think that, but he felt it, and so did Spock. And the half-Vulcan’s response was so tender and it was like I would do anything for you, too.
Jim barely sensed his body, but somehow knew Spock was even closer now. He wished…
No. Stop it, stop it. Spock was inside his mind, this was not the time.
Spock didn’t say or think anything about that little lapse of his - maybe because of his good manners, maybe because he was too busy holding on to all the peace that Jim had left inside.
With all the new sensations Jim had almost forgotten why was he doing this. Calm, yes.
He thought about space, about him on a small shuttle - sailing through the sky alone, being surrounded by planets and stars and silence.
Silence.
Thanks for reading! Thoughts? :D
The second chapter is here! There's just another one left!
I'd love to read your opinions about this, it's really important to me!
Thanks to all of you who read and commented and to faithsummers80 faithsummers80and afattribble for being great betas!
Chapter 1 is here: http://skysthelimit-7.livejournal.com/6517.html
Chapter 2
Jim didn’t forget the “nightmare incident”. Not at all.
They hadn’t discussed the matter since that night because Spock kept changing the subject or avoiding the question any time he asked, but Jim had watched him more carefully since then. He frequently asked Uhura about him; they weren’t together anymore, but they were still good friends, and Spock shared a lot of things with her. The thing is, Uhura always told Jim with a concerned expression that Spock was meditating. Maybe Spock needed more rest and less meditation to get really, properly well. Jim constantly watched his First Officer, noticing how the fatigue grew a little more every day, making him less graceful; not so perfectly polite.
Yeah, he was worried. More than that. He felt helpless - Spock wouldn’t let him try to help, no, he had to do it on his own. He wanted to trust him, to wait until he solved his own problems, but it didn’t seem to be working at all. But still, Jim didn’t think that pushing would be a good idea; he didn’t want to make Spock feel vulnerable or something.
But he was on the edge, Jim knew.
And his suspicions proved true when, after a long and dangerous mission, Spock simply… collapsed. Jim, cursing himself, caught him in his arms before he hit the floor. Shit, he shouldn’t have let him go with them, should’ve tried to speak to him, or just ask Bones for advice… he should have forced Spock to sleep somehow. My God, what if that had happened ten minutes ago, when they were surrounded by hostile natives? He could have died!
Jim came back to reality when McCoy pushed him aside to examine Spock with a concerned expression. The half-Vulcan opened his eyes numbly.
“I am well, doctor,” Spock’s weak tone made Jim hate himself even more. What if he had died, what then? What would’ve he done without his First, his partner, his friend? And it was all because he didn’t fucking do anything when he had the chance.
He had failed Spock again - when his friend wasn’t well enough to think properly he should have been there to help, to guide him even if Spock didn’t want him to. But no, he just stood there watching as Spock got worse. Vulcans weren’t superheroes, they also needed help sometimes! And Jim hadn’t seen that Spock was worse than he seemed in time. Again.
He hated himself so much for this.
“I’ll take you to Sickbay,” McCoy said, less worried than before, now that he knew Spock was merely fatigued and not dangerously ill.
“That will not be necessary,” the Vulcan protested, but his faint voice didn’t help in convincing Bones otherwise. “I merely require rest.”
“Yeah, rest is what you need, Spock. It’s not really a hard thing to do, you know.” Bones half-closed his eyes, sending a poisonous look at Spock to cover the anger and concern he was feeling inside. “But you’ve been denyin’ it to your body for how long, a month? That’s too much, even for you. I’m taking you to Sickbay and making sure you have a long, peaceful sleep.”
A flicker of anxiety passed through Spock’s eyes as he turned to look at Jim. He asked for help silently, letting his expression show a bit of fear - which probably meant that inside he was really frightened.
“It’s okay, Bones,” said Kirk, responding to those pleading eyes. “I’ll take him to his quarters and make sure he sleeps, okay?”
Doctor McCoy said nothing, gaze wandering between the two of them. He finally rolled his eyes, surrendering before the determined expression on Jim’s face.
“Fine, but tomorrow Spock will come to Sickbay for a full exam, and if I don’t see any signs of improvement I’m keeping him for a week.”
Wow, Bones did know how to threaten people.
“Deal.” Jim smiled at the doctor and helped Spock to stand up, even though he knew Spock disliked needing help at all. But Jim didn’t care about that anymore - he wouldn’t make the mistake of letting Spock try to deal with things on his own again.
They walked in silence to Spock’s quarters, and once Kirk had Spock sitting on the bed he allowed himself to study the Vulcan cautiously. He looked paler than usual, and had greenish shadows under his eyes. He looked thinner too, but maybe that was just his imagination - because yeah, he was getting paranoid. He had reasons, okay?
“C’mon, get into bed.”
Spock looked up at him with a raised eyebrow and then down at his own body. He was covered in dirt and blood, just like Jim was.
“I shall have a sonic shower first.”
“Fine. I’m gonna take a shower too, but I’ll be back, and if you’re not in bed by then I’ll get really, really pissed.”
And by that, he meant he’d take Spock to McCoy. By the look on his friend’s face, Jim could tell the threat had worked.
“Fifteen minutes,” Jim announced, turning to exit the room.
Jim took a hot shower, allowing himself to feel the concern, the fear. The thought of Spock dying down there on the planet made him shiver, and not only because Jim could have been somewhat responsible for that death. He couldn’t imagine the Enterprise without Spock… and no, he couldn’t handle the thought of Spock out of his life either. Being without their talks, their chess games, without his oh so logical advice… Not seeing his dark eyes ever again, his raised eyebrows, his adorable not-smile... Just thinking about losing any of it made him feel sick.
Uh, okay, maybe it was not a good idea to let his mind wander that far.
Kirk got out of the shower, leaving all the weird thoughts behind happily, and dressed fast. Would Spock be sleeping already? Would he have nightmares again?
He didn’t call, thinking that maybe Spock was already asleep, so he entered his quarters cautiously. But no, the lights were on and the Vulcan was sitting on the bed, with a sheet covering his legs.
“I thought I told you to sleep, Spock.”
“You said that you wanted me to ‘be in bed’, Captain.”
Shit, he was right.
“Well, I want you to sleep now.”
A weird look crossed Spock’s eyes, but he quickly made it disappear, replacing it with something that was supposed to look like serenity.
“Jim, it is not logical to sleep when I do not derive any rest or calm from it. Meditation is the only thing that helps me to remain in balance.”
What? How could Spock be saying something this stupid? How could he say that sleeping was illogical when he’d die of exhaustion if he didn’t?
But of course.
He’d probably never admit it, but he was scared of the nightmares, of the lack of control they brought.
Jim smiled warmly. “I’ll wake you up if the nightmares come back.”
“That is not the matter of…”
“Look, Spock, you need to sleep. You’re on edge and you know it, and that’s why I’m here. I promise I’ll wake you up if you have those dreams again.”
Spock knew he was right, of course. His body needed rest and his mind as well. He had to try.
Finally, the Vulcan nodded and lay down. After a few minutes his body surrendered and he fell asleep. At last. Jim sighed in relief, his chest feeling lighter.
He watched Spock for some more minutes, making sure he wasn’t faking it or anything, and then looked at the old book he had brought. Jim didn’t really want to read, but it was that or watching Spock sleep - and that’d be… weird. So he opened the book.
In ten minutes he was asleep.
A faint sound woke Jim up. Spock.
Jim ran towards his friend’s bed and shook Spock by the shoulders. The half-Vulcan opened his eyes with a gasp and recognized him after a few seconds.
“I told you, I… I told you it was not wise…”
“Hey, it’s all right,” Jim murmured, forgetting Spock wasn’t human and running his fingers through his dark hair. He hated seeing Spock that way…
“I cannot control…” His whole body was shaking from the emotions he was suffering, and Jim wished he could take all that away, absorb it somehow so Spock didn’t have to go through this horrible situation. Jim would’ve done anything to help him… Anything for Spock.
“It’s okay,” Jim repeated, lying by Spock’s side. “I’m here.”
Jim put a hand on Spock’s cheek, trying to comfort him somehow. The half-Vulcan closed his eyes, inhaling deeply - he seemed a bit better. Maybe he wasn’t as different from humans as he thought.
Minutes passed, and neither of them moved. Spock looked more relaxed now, and he wasn’t shaking anymore. Maybe if Jim stayed by his side, just like this, Spock would feel safer. Jim sighed, relieved.
“Your mind is serene. There is worry and pain and anxiety, but inside there is calm too. It is… reassuring.”
Of course, he’d forgotten Spock was a touch telepath. Jim wondered what he’d seen, what he’d sensed from him. Did he like it?
How would Spock’s mind be?
Spock placed his hand on Jim’s cheek softly, in a gentle caress. Jim closed his eyes at the pleasing touch, relaxing and calming more and more to help Spock, who pulled him closer.
“Let me,” Jim asked in a whisper, knowing that Spock would understand.
“I cannot do that.”
Spock’s hand traced a path down Jim’s neck with long, warm fingers. Jim would never admit that he trembled with pleasure, needing more, needing everything Spock could give him.
“I can help you handle it,” Kirk’s voice sounded weak because of the stroking, but he didn’t care. He needed…
“My emotions are too strong to share with a human mind now.”
“They are too strong for you as well.”
Spock got even closer, his breath on Jim’s lips. Oh fuck, Jim wanted to kiss him so much…
He usually forced himself to forget about it, not to look inside of him, because this… this thing he felt - he tried not to feel - for Spock wasn’t normal. He knew it wasn’t, and he didn’t want to figure out what it was, not really, ‘cause he’d probably freak out. But now they were so close and Spock was touching him and he couldn’t help feeling and…
And he remembered that Spock was reading his mind. Great, Jim, just great. Shit shit shit.
Jim opened his eyes with fear. Would Spock turn his back on him? Would he still trust him? Would it be too weird for him? Too much?
Spock looked… surprised. His eyes kept moving from his eyes, to his face, to his mouth. His lips were parted, as if in shock.
It was never going to be the same again. This was gonna change it all, ruin it all.
“No.”
Jim blinked in confusion. Was he replying to his thought?
“Spock?”
His First Officer never answered. He put his fingers just where the older Spock had and gave him an intense look before saying the words: “My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts.”
The emotions hit him instantly, so mixed and strong he couldn’t distinguish one from another for a long time. There were thoughts, too, Spock’s. I am sorry Jim, I do not wish to hurt you, I am sorry… But he was thinking about his mother at the same time I never told her that I loved her, I miss her… I cannot control… too much to bear… My home, my planet… there is nothing left… I could not help it…
This was so wrong. Jim knew he had to do something, but he was sinking into the sadness, longing, pain, gratefulness, love. He was losing himself in all of it.
It was asphyxiating. It hurt, it hurt so much. Mother… He loved her so much… The planet, his planet destroyed, gone, all the people, his mother… Please, please, someone make those memories stop…
I did not wish to make you cry.
A hand caressed his cheek. Or maybe he caressed someone’s wet cheek. And it felt good, really good, like he wasn’t so alone.
Jim.
Appreciation, friendship. He felt the same way too - he sensed his response to Spock’s feelings, and Spock instantly receiving it with gratitude. Yes… it was Spock’s feelings he was experiencing, not his own… But they were now inside of him - he was sharing them with Spock, helping him to bear them.
Thank you, Jim, Spock’s voice filled his mind, his heart. He felt warmness everywhere.
I would do anything for you. He didn’t actually think that, but he felt it, and so did Spock. And the half-Vulcan’s response was so tender and it was like I would do anything for you, too.
Jim barely sensed his body, but somehow knew Spock was even closer now. He wished…
No. Stop it, stop it. Spock was inside his mind, this was not the time.
Spock didn’t say or think anything about that little lapse of his - maybe because of his good manners, maybe because he was too busy holding on to all the peace that Jim had left inside.
With all the new sensations Jim had almost forgotten why was he doing this. Calm, yes.
He thought about space, about him on a small shuttle - sailing through the sky alone, being surrounded by planets and stars and silence.
Silence.
Thanks for reading! Thoughts? :D