Nightmares - Star Trek XI
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Thanks to faithsummers80 and to afattribble for being the wonderful betas they are! :D
Nightmares
Chapter one
Jim yawned, walking drowsily towards his room. He hadn’t slept very well last night, and the day shift left him exhausted. Official reports were his worst nightmare - be concise, be clear, be polite. They hadn’t “encountered a poisonous plant that injured one of the members of the away team”, dammit, a fucking bush almost killed Giotto! The poor guy was still in Sickbay, but he’d be fine in a few days. Bones would make sure of that.
Just as he passed Spock’s quarters he got distracted by some kind of… noise, like a moan. Could it be Spock with Uhura? He slowed down, paying attention. Those moans sounded so unlike the controlled, repressed Spock he knew…
And suddenly Jim found himself stopping right in front of his First Officer’s quarters, thinking about what was going on in there, picturing things that he really didn’t want to imagine.
Okay, standing there was just stupid. He wasn’t some kind of pervert and he didn’t care about what they were doing at all. He was leaving.
But then he heard the most disturbing thing.
“Mother!” cried Spock.
Wait, wait. Spock? Crying in desperation? Mother?
Could it be…? Oh my God, could Vulcans have nightmares? Could Spock?
“Mother, no!”
Without bothering to knock, Jim typed the security code and finally entered the room. What he found there made his chest feel tight and heavy with worried surprise.
Spock was in his bed, the sheets all tangled around his body and a heartbreaking anxiety showing on his face. He kept mumbling things about his mother and about so many dead people, and the planet, and other things Jim couldn’t understand. Spock never spoke about it, like it had never happened, but of course it had. And it hurt him. God, Jim was stupid for not realizing this before! Spock was almost alone in the world now, people he knew had died, his mother had died, his planet was gone… It must’ve been so awful for him, feeling this torment and not being able to show it.
And Jim didn’t do anything to help him; he didn’t even realize Spock was in so much pain. Dammit, he was such an idiot!
“Hey.” Jim sat on the bed, next to his friend and shook him a little, afraid to wake him too suddenly. “C’mon, Spock, wake up…”
No answer; Spock’s body kept moving and jerking frantically. Jim grabbed Spock’s shoulders and shook him harder. He had to make it stop, please, please wake up!
Finally.
Jim let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.
“Jim?” Spock asked, blinking in confusion.
“You were having a nightmare.”
Spock seemed to think about it for a few seconds. There was a strange gleam in his eyes, like ache mixed with confusion. And he was almost panting. This couldn’t be happening, not to Spock for God’s sake.
Jim tried to smile to comfort him, but found he couldn’t. Spock looked upset, in agony… Jim had never seen him express such emotion - or any emotion at all. Well, except for the time when he’d used the subject of his mother to force Spock to leave command. And he was still so sorry about that.
When he mind-melded with the other Spock, the older one, he also felt everything that was inside of him; he knew how strong the Ambassador’s feelings ran and how difficult it was for him to suffocate them. Then why, why the hell didn’t he realize, didn’t help Spock when he needed it the most, even if the Vulcan would never admit it? That’s what friends are for, right? To be there even when you think you don’t need them.
And he hadn’t been there for Spock.
“Wanna talk about it?” Jim asked. He would help him to recover from those awful memories whatever it took, even if he had to be around him 24 hours a day. “Sometimes it feels better once you’ve let it all out.”
God, Spock didn’t even argue about the “feeling” part just like he always did, didn’t even deny that he was feeling now. Which would’ve been stupid, of course - it was so obvious he couldn’t control himself.
Jim felt helpless. He wanted to do something, but he didn’t know what, or how.
“No,” was Spock’s only answer.
He wasn’t even going to try? No, of course not - Vulcans didn’t do that. And plus, Spock probably didn’t trust him enough to open up about such a serious matter. At least, not yet.
“Why not?” Jim asked, already knowing the answer.
“I…”
Spock hesitating? Okay, Jim was alarmed now. He watched him worriedly, waiting for his response.
“I do not understand how sharing information about my dream with you shall improve my… condition. It seems illogical.”
Then why did he sound like he hadn’t believed a goddamn thing he just said? Jim had this feeling, like Spock did want to tell him but thought he couldn’t because of his beliefs. And he was gonna do something about it.
“It seems illogical to me that you, a Vulcan who always needs to be in control, are having nightmares that make you scream - scream, Spock. And it’s also illogical that you don’t want any kind of help to get better since your philosophy is all about suppressing emotions and having a clear, logical mind. Look man, you’re obviously not being calm and logical now. So no, I don’t think you’ll lose anything for trying.”
Spock stared at him in shock. He appeared to be thinking about Jim’s words for a few minutes, but not with his usual composure; he was… unfocused, Jim could tell.
“Spock?” Jim finally asked. Spock blinked and kept looking at him. “How are you feeling?”
Silence. Okay, maybe his super-reasoning about a Vulcan behaving illogically hadn’t convinced him.
“I am… uneasy.” Spock’s voice was merely a weak whisper.
In human terms, that “uneasy” probably meant “freaked out”. Oh God, Jim couldn’t believe this - he was seeing it with his own eyes, but it felt unreal and incredibly wrong. Spock was scared. Anxious, even.
But he was finally telling Jim, which he was grateful for and yet sad at the same time. This was not how their first conversation about Spock’s thoughts and emotions was supposed to go - God, he shouldn’t be suffering at all! He didn’t deserve this. Jim was so fucking angry!
“I’m sorry, Spock.”
He wanted to hold him, to tell him it was gonna be alright, to take the horrible suffering away, to wipe the sadness from his face and his eyes… He had to take that pained look away, he needed to, dammit! There had to be something else he could do! But of course, hugging him was not an option - Spock didn’t like to be touched; it was not comforting for him as it was for most humans.
“Tell me, Spock. Please,” Jim asked, almost begged. Maybe if he told Jim more about it he’d be at least a little relieved…
Spock wasn’t looking at him, so Jim thought he was too scared or embarrassed to talk about it, but after a minute he started to speak.
“I dreamt about my mother, about the time of her… death. And then saw Vulcan’s destruction, along with the death of most of my species. I re-watched it many times.”
Kirk couldn’t help noticing how Spock didn’t say exactly how many times he’d watched the scene in his dream. Was it that he just didn’t remember… or was he so agitated that he couldn’t think about being specific now?
His hands clenched to fists. The urge to touch him, to do something, was too much for Jim. If only…
“I could not save her, or the planet. I tried to, but I could not. I could not do anything for my people.”
“I’m so sorry,” Jim mumbled, his chest full of sorrow. He couldn’t stand seeing Spock like this, he honestly couldn’t.
“Thank you for your concern, Jim.” Even though he was in deep pain he’d always be Spock, so polite and considerate. Stupid Vulcan.
Those dark, sad eyes were fixed on him - it was like he wanted to say something, but couldn’t. And Jim stared back, wanting to touch him, to reassure him but knowing that he wasn’t the one to do that. The only one who might actually help him was…
“Do you want me to call Uhura?” Jim asked quietly, secretly wanting his First Officer to say no.
“No.” It sounded harsh and, once again, very unlike Spock, and Jim was sure his friend realized that too. “It is not necessary for you to call Nyota. I only require meditation.”
“But…”
“I assure you, Jim, that it is not necessary. I am, however, grateful for your consideration.”
That sounded like a Vulcan way to say “I want to be alone now”. Jim sighed, knowing that if Spock didn’t want anyone to be there it was for a good reason. If he needed meditation, okay then, he’d leave him alone.
But still…
“Promise you’ll be all right,” Jim asked, suppressing the urge to grab Spock by the shoulders and pull him into his arms.
“I shall be well.”
Jim hesitated once more. It felt wrong to leave him like that, vulnerable and upset, but he knew that Spock didn’t like others to see this human side of him - so he had to be grateful after all, ‘cause Spock shared it with him. That thought made him smile.
“Okay, okay, but I’ll check on you later,” Kirk said at last.
“Captain, it is not…”
Jim’s smile grew wider. Spock still hadn’t discovered that it was useless to argue with him once he’d made a decision. But he would. Soon.
“I said I’ll check on you later.”
And with that, he left.
*** Thanks for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts about the story! :D
Thanks to faithsummers80 and to afattribble for being the wonderful betas they are! :D
Nightmares
Chapter one
Jim yawned, walking drowsily towards his room. He hadn’t slept very well last night, and the day shift left him exhausted. Official reports were his worst nightmare - be concise, be clear, be polite. They hadn’t “encountered a poisonous plant that injured one of the members of the away team”, dammit, a fucking bush almost killed Giotto! The poor guy was still in Sickbay, but he’d be fine in a few days. Bones would make sure of that.
Just as he passed Spock’s quarters he got distracted by some kind of… noise, like a moan. Could it be Spock with Uhura? He slowed down, paying attention. Those moans sounded so unlike the controlled, repressed Spock he knew…
And suddenly Jim found himself stopping right in front of his First Officer’s quarters, thinking about what was going on in there, picturing things that he really didn’t want to imagine.
Okay, standing there was just stupid. He wasn’t some kind of pervert and he didn’t care about what they were doing at all. He was leaving.
But then he heard the most disturbing thing.
“Mother!” cried Spock.
Wait, wait. Spock? Crying in desperation? Mother?
Could it be…? Oh my God, could Vulcans have nightmares? Could Spock?
“Mother, no!”
Without bothering to knock, Jim typed the security code and finally entered the room. What he found there made his chest feel tight and heavy with worried surprise.
Spock was in his bed, the sheets all tangled around his body and a heartbreaking anxiety showing on his face. He kept mumbling things about his mother and about so many dead people, and the planet, and other things Jim couldn’t understand. Spock never spoke about it, like it had never happened, but of course it had. And it hurt him. God, Jim was stupid for not realizing this before! Spock was almost alone in the world now, people he knew had died, his mother had died, his planet was gone… It must’ve been so awful for him, feeling this torment and not being able to show it.
And Jim didn’t do anything to help him; he didn’t even realize Spock was in so much pain. Dammit, he was such an idiot!
“Hey.” Jim sat on the bed, next to his friend and shook him a little, afraid to wake him too suddenly. “C’mon, Spock, wake up…”
No answer; Spock’s body kept moving and jerking frantically. Jim grabbed Spock’s shoulders and shook him harder. He had to make it stop, please, please wake up!
Finally.
Jim let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.
“Jim?” Spock asked, blinking in confusion.
“You were having a nightmare.”
Spock seemed to think about it for a few seconds. There was a strange gleam in his eyes, like ache mixed with confusion. And he was almost panting. This couldn’t be happening, not to Spock for God’s sake.
Jim tried to smile to comfort him, but found he couldn’t. Spock looked upset, in agony… Jim had never seen him express such emotion - or any emotion at all. Well, except for the time when he’d used the subject of his mother to force Spock to leave command. And he was still so sorry about that.
When he mind-melded with the other Spock, the older one, he also felt everything that was inside of him; he knew how strong the Ambassador’s feelings ran and how difficult it was for him to suffocate them. Then why, why the hell didn’t he realize, didn’t help Spock when he needed it the most, even if the Vulcan would never admit it? That’s what friends are for, right? To be there even when you think you don’t need them.
And he hadn’t been there for Spock.
“Wanna talk about it?” Jim asked. He would help him to recover from those awful memories whatever it took, even if he had to be around him 24 hours a day. “Sometimes it feels better once you’ve let it all out.”
God, Spock didn’t even argue about the “feeling” part just like he always did, didn’t even deny that he was feeling now. Which would’ve been stupid, of course - it was so obvious he couldn’t control himself.
Jim felt helpless. He wanted to do something, but he didn’t know what, or how.
“No,” was Spock’s only answer.
He wasn’t even going to try? No, of course not - Vulcans didn’t do that. And plus, Spock probably didn’t trust him enough to open up about such a serious matter. At least, not yet.
“Why not?” Jim asked, already knowing the answer.
“I…”
Spock hesitating? Okay, Jim was alarmed now. He watched him worriedly, waiting for his response.
“I do not understand how sharing information about my dream with you shall improve my… condition. It seems illogical.”
Then why did he sound like he hadn’t believed a goddamn thing he just said? Jim had this feeling, like Spock did want to tell him but thought he couldn’t because of his beliefs. And he was gonna do something about it.
“It seems illogical to me that you, a Vulcan who always needs to be in control, are having nightmares that make you scream - scream, Spock. And it’s also illogical that you don’t want any kind of help to get better since your philosophy is all about suppressing emotions and having a clear, logical mind. Look man, you’re obviously not being calm and logical now. So no, I don’t think you’ll lose anything for trying.”
Spock stared at him in shock. He appeared to be thinking about Jim’s words for a few minutes, but not with his usual composure; he was… unfocused, Jim could tell.
“Spock?” Jim finally asked. Spock blinked and kept looking at him. “How are you feeling?”
Silence. Okay, maybe his super-reasoning about a Vulcan behaving illogically hadn’t convinced him.
“I am… uneasy.” Spock’s voice was merely a weak whisper.
In human terms, that “uneasy” probably meant “freaked out”. Oh God, Jim couldn’t believe this - he was seeing it with his own eyes, but it felt unreal and incredibly wrong. Spock was scared. Anxious, even.
But he was finally telling Jim, which he was grateful for and yet sad at the same time. This was not how their first conversation about Spock’s thoughts and emotions was supposed to go - God, he shouldn’t be suffering at all! He didn’t deserve this. Jim was so fucking angry!
“I’m sorry, Spock.”
He wanted to hold him, to tell him it was gonna be alright, to take the horrible suffering away, to wipe the sadness from his face and his eyes… He had to take that pained look away, he needed to, dammit! There had to be something else he could do! But of course, hugging him was not an option - Spock didn’t like to be touched; it was not comforting for him as it was for most humans.
“Tell me, Spock. Please,” Jim asked, almost begged. Maybe if he told Jim more about it he’d be at least a little relieved…
Spock wasn’t looking at him, so Jim thought he was too scared or embarrassed to talk about it, but after a minute he started to speak.
“I dreamt about my mother, about the time of her… death. And then saw Vulcan’s destruction, along with the death of most of my species. I re-watched it many times.”
Kirk couldn’t help noticing how Spock didn’t say exactly how many times he’d watched the scene in his dream. Was it that he just didn’t remember… or was he so agitated that he couldn’t think about being specific now?
His hands clenched to fists. The urge to touch him, to do something, was too much for Jim. If only…
“I could not save her, or the planet. I tried to, but I could not. I could not do anything for my people.”
“I’m so sorry,” Jim mumbled, his chest full of sorrow. He couldn’t stand seeing Spock like this, he honestly couldn’t.
“Thank you for your concern, Jim.” Even though he was in deep pain he’d always be Spock, so polite and considerate. Stupid Vulcan.
Those dark, sad eyes were fixed on him - it was like he wanted to say something, but couldn’t. And Jim stared back, wanting to touch him, to reassure him but knowing that he wasn’t the one to do that. The only one who might actually help him was…
“Do you want me to call Uhura?” Jim asked quietly, secretly wanting his First Officer to say no.
“No.” It sounded harsh and, once again, very unlike Spock, and Jim was sure his friend realized that too. “It is not necessary for you to call Nyota. I only require meditation.”
“But…”
“I assure you, Jim, that it is not necessary. I am, however, grateful for your consideration.”
That sounded like a Vulcan way to say “I want to be alone now”. Jim sighed, knowing that if Spock didn’t want anyone to be there it was for a good reason. If he needed meditation, okay then, he’d leave him alone.
But still…
“Promise you’ll be all right,” Jim asked, suppressing the urge to grab Spock by the shoulders and pull him into his arms.
“I shall be well.”
Jim hesitated once more. It felt wrong to leave him like that, vulnerable and upset, but he knew that Spock didn’t like others to see this human side of him - so he had to be grateful after all, ‘cause Spock shared it with him. That thought made him smile.
“Okay, okay, but I’ll check on you later,” Kirk said at last.
“Captain, it is not…”
Jim’s smile grew wider. Spock still hadn’t discovered that it was useless to argue with him once he’d made a decision. But he would. Soon.
“I said I’ll check on you later.”
And with that, he left.
*** Thanks for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts about the story! :D