Dancin by myself.... if all these other people weren't here
Well, dancin last night had to be done at Solid's. The local establishment that stands for desperation more than any other establishment of desperation. Sorta like, "if theres nothing else to do, and self respect is strangely lacking, LETS GO TO SOLIDS!" My friends/dancing comrades always dress up for going to Solid's, like a competition in sluttiness, they do it for laughs, and for the challenge of "dressing up." Its alwyas fascinating going dancing anywhere with them, since they are so renowned among the dancing scene, techno and trance mostly, which is what I prefer as well. Dancing at Solid's is like splurging at McDonalds when all the other restaurants are closed. I can't dance to it, and actually, neither could a lot of the other people last night, but that didn't keep them from trying. I don't actually have a moral to this story, or even a plot, maybe it's just a marker of where I spend my time for the future.
In any case....
Here I am at work again, four or less hours of sleep, nothing like burning both ends of the candle, and the middle. Going out again tonight to Steamworks, so if anyone reads this, Ill be the guy in the trench coat with the two girls that so many people assume are lesbian lovers ::pauses for a chuckle:: ahh, the fantasies of men.
going out at these events always fascinates me in people watching.
I watch the people (at Solid's especially) that gyrate against one another, and rhythmically dry hump on the dance floor, and I wonder if they have met those people that they do those things with. And I will admit, part of me wants to be those people, and then the rest of me jumps on that part and wraps duct-tape around it. Still, at the end of the night, I am alone, and I am guessing at least some of them are not.
But, is that what it should take? Is that the true measuring cup of relationships? Of course, it isn't, but at some moments, it can seem that way. I know that those people are more than likely destined for one-night stand, and the fast food version of what passes as a relationship in our culture, but it is still more than I have at the moment. I at times tend to doubt loneliness and the rhetoric that I try to tell myself of "I have to learn what I am like, define myself alone before I can develop a good relationship. While the rhetoric does hold true to an extent, how long does it hold? Well, I know that it's beyond just a couple of months, but I have been without romantic relationships for the larger extent of my life. I have hardly ever been "alone" though. That is the crux of the situation, is what do I find life to be like "alone" being living alone, which I suppose is an important thing to do, isn't it?
.... I have my doubts, as our relationships can define who we are by interraction, but then, so does our relationship with ourselves. I hate going into psycho-babble, too much analyzation.
That still goes that I am not in a situation to have any kind of long-term relationship, and am apparently very poorly practiced, and from previous experience, incapable of having any other kind.
so that leads to the conclusion that either I need to become more adept at having shallow relationships, or just learn to be alone for a while untill I don't have to be.
... Neither looks particularly good, im too much of a romantic and get too passionately involved in my relationships to do the first, and like accompaniment too much to be alone. Anyway, women can tell when your desperately alone, so I guess I would be better off learning how to be non-desperately alone, right? Ha, wonder how long that takes. Has to do with being comfortably alone, which is fine, there is a lot about being alone that I like, just gets pretty lonely at times... Ahh well, time takes care of itself too, I think it best just to bide my time and just keep dancing.
In any case....
Here I am at work again, four or less hours of sleep, nothing like burning both ends of the candle, and the middle. Going out again tonight to Steamworks, so if anyone reads this, Ill be the guy in the trench coat with the two girls that so many people assume are lesbian lovers ::pauses for a chuckle:: ahh, the fantasies of men.
going out at these events always fascinates me in people watching.
I watch the people (at Solid's especially) that gyrate against one another, and rhythmically dry hump on the dance floor, and I wonder if they have met those people that they do those things with. And I will admit, part of me wants to be those people, and then the rest of me jumps on that part and wraps duct-tape around it. Still, at the end of the night, I am alone, and I am guessing at least some of them are not.
But, is that what it should take? Is that the true measuring cup of relationships? Of course, it isn't, but at some moments, it can seem that way. I know that those people are more than likely destined for one-night stand, and the fast food version of what passes as a relationship in our culture, but it is still more than I have at the moment. I at times tend to doubt loneliness and the rhetoric that I try to tell myself of "I have to learn what I am like, define myself alone before I can develop a good relationship. While the rhetoric does hold true to an extent, how long does it hold? Well, I know that it's beyond just a couple of months, but I have been without romantic relationships for the larger extent of my life. I have hardly ever been "alone" though. That is the crux of the situation, is what do I find life to be like "alone" being living alone, which I suppose is an important thing to do, isn't it?
.... I have my doubts, as our relationships can define who we are by interraction, but then, so does our relationship with ourselves. I hate going into psycho-babble, too much analyzation.
That still goes that I am not in a situation to have any kind of long-term relationship, and am apparently very poorly practiced, and from previous experience, incapable of having any other kind.
so that leads to the conclusion that either I need to become more adept at having shallow relationships, or just learn to be alone for a while untill I don't have to be.
... Neither looks particularly good, im too much of a romantic and get too passionately involved in my relationships to do the first, and like accompaniment too much to be alone. Anyway, women can tell when your desperately alone, so I guess I would be better off learning how to be non-desperately alone, right? Ha, wonder how long that takes. Has to do with being comfortably alone, which is fine, there is a lot about being alone that I like, just gets pretty lonely at times... Ahh well, time takes care of itself too, I think it best just to bide my time and just keep dancing.