Friday the Thirteenth, oh what a day
I had gotten to getting some work done at work, finally (having gotten a series of dependencies resolved) rocking out to my pandora mix when I saw my phone which I had put on the desk in front of my monitor flash, and display ringing. My mate was calling.
I pulled off the headphones to get told that we need to get a new dog walker, he's not walking ( Read more... )
I pulled off the headphones to get told that we need to get a new dog walker, he's not walking ( Read more... )
I walk the dogs at 10 a.m., not 11 ... at least when I leave. Friday was an exception because of the weather (0 degree wind chill, 40 mph gusts and blowing snow). It takes 30 minutes usually, sometimes longer. I walked the dogs when it was a) daylight and b) when I felt sufficiently awake to keep the dogs in control. I have lost control a couple times when a squirrel, other dog or something else would grab the dogs' attention and they would wrench so hard that I lost grip on the lead (usually banshee). Dhugal demanded Friday that I walk the dogs at 4 a.m. Neither you nor Dhugal had told me previous to his firing me Friday that you demand the dogs be walked earlier than I had been walking them. I also walk them around 4-5 p.m. before daylight fades.
I didn't feel I was told to leave, I was directly told to leave by Dhugal. Dhugal also informed me only he, and not you, owned the dogs and had the only authority to dictate who could walk them and when.
You've not offered any real treatments for my problems with migraine, depression, anxiety or psoriasis or other problems. Such treatments are, in any event, too expensive even for you ... most likely tens of thousands in specialists on an ongoing basis for the chronic issues. Dental work In fact you've been pretty much dismissive of my problems, especially my mental health issues, essentially stating in unison with your mother that I don't really have them and the multiple diagnoses I've had to the contrary don't matter. As it is, I feel -- not that I am in any way claiming that you were doing anything to make me feel, merely that I felt it -- that I was mooching off you as I was not contributing a dime to rent and anytime I'd do grocery shopping or take Dhugal grocery shopping you'd repay it, even for things like coffee which only I consume. You are generous but I can't help but feel guilty and mooching.
The fact you are suddenly out a dog walker is one of the most painful things for me about this situation. Dhugal didn't care nor think about this when he evicted me. I don't know if he felt I was some sort of threat to your relationship, or is just frustrated by his physical limitations and that made him act out that way, but as a courtesy to you I think he should have at least given a couple weeks for you to find someone else to walk the dogs. He either doesn't care about your time, doesn't care whether the dogs get walked, or felt I was walking the dogs in a way that was more harmful than beneficial ... in any event, the action and decision to fire me was his.
Dhugal had me drive several miles to a store (after Kroger) only to decide after getting there that it was the wrong store. It was cold, blowing snow, the roads were slick, we were already running more than two hours gone shopping and I was groggy and did not feel I was at my best to keep driving ... as it was, at the store he had me drive to only to decide that wasn't the store he wanted, between the snow obscuring parking spot markers I discovered, after parking and while walking toward the store, that I had actually parked in a driveway, not a valid parking space.
The claim about the attack is very out of context ... Dhugal was yelling and screaming at me, following me from room to room and spittling in my face. He kept cornering me and not letting me get away. I pushed him lightly and told him to get out of my face, but he just kept coming back and repeating. I did not hit Dhugal, I pushed him lightly with my finger tips after he literally got in my face and was spittling on my face. At no point did I hit him. The push was entirely defensive, not aggressive.
*cont'd
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None of us -- not you, not Dhugal and certainly not me are good at communicating. It became a sudden revelation to me on Friday that your reminders "not to forget" to walk the dogs -- which I have never forgotten to walk the dogs and in fact I've even taken them out at 3 a.m. when they weren't feeling well and needed another bathroom walk -- probably came from things Dhugal was telling you. There was no indication there was any sort of problem previously. This is what happens when we don't talk to each other, things blow up like this ... in the absence of compelling evidence to say otherwise, this is what I resolve myself to chalk this experience up to.
Dhugal told me to leave. So far as I am concerned, unless he rescinds that decision himself, I am not welcome anywhere he lives. For my part, as a result of Friday the 13th, I suddenly feel I cannot trust him, and that there is a high risk he will physically stalk and harrass me as he did in the apartment. I refuse to suggest or ask anything from you to resolve this, except to perhaps consider taking your SO of several years for mental health counselling. This is not meant as an attack on Dhugal, as I readily acknowledge I myself need some ... but while it took two to Tango and my own difficulties communicating doubtlessly played a part on Friday, Dhugal's actions will likely have similar stress-to-breaking-point results on anyone cohabitating with you and would be a factor for your next candidate.
I was starting to feel content and comfortable. I knew I needed to adjust what I was doing, suck up the failure after failure on job searches and re-invogorate on finding a job, maybe a part time weekend job so I coudl still be free during the week to walk the dogs, but I felt at least I had a place to stay with dogs I could indulge in all the attention I felt like dishing out. I miss them already and in my tail-between-my-legs bleary-eyed retreat back to my folks (I'm in Wyoming now), I keep seeing Banshee's ears perked in the back of my car which is actually just my clothing.
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Regarding your problems with various medical problems, I'm not your doctor nor as you point out, can I afford extensive medical care. However, being an adult this is something *you* need to take care of and deal with - doing absolutely nothing and suffering merely because you don't have access to the modern typical professionally delivered medical answer to the problem not only tortures you, it also impacts the people around you. Information is free on the internet and you learn about things and learn to do what you can - that is how you help yourself. Sitting around and suffering as a victim only hurts you and others. Its your choice to hurt your life by doing that, but its not kind at all to allow it into a life you share with other people as it will unavoidably impact them too.
Regardless of what problems you are having, the adult thing to do is to fulfill the responsibilities you have signed up for regardless. You drive as well as you can, you deal with pain, you sleep when you might not be so inclined so that you're able to fulfill, you answer politely with something that fulfills the situation, you put your responsibilities ahead of entertainment and comfort and convenience. If doing that requires some treatment of a medical issue, the person who is responsible to find an at least partially effective treatment is solely you.
Dhugal mentioned not a word about failing to walk the dogs previous to the phone call you overheard, your 'realization' is entirely fantastical. The only reason I had said anything was that it seemed as if you might be distracted by games and sleep schedule from taking the dogs out at an appropriate time. I expected the dogs to have gone out already, you were making no sign of doing so in the immediate context (sleeping or gaming) I'm going to say something. I shouldn't have assumed that my statements alone would be understood as a directive to take the dogs out earlier consistently.
Dhugal acted in an emotional manner which has been elaborated in his typical dregs and pieces format over the ensuing time to have included a good bit of resentment based on failure to communicate about various things which lets things build up. There's no excuse for that, but it is what it is and its been a problem before and likely will be again before its resolved. As you noticed, I'm not one who believes that every problem needs a medico to solve it, people can change themselves if they want to, and learn enough about their own problems to at least partially treat them all on their own. Getting along with people is not always easy; and I did warn you at the beginning that failure to get along with Dhugal is fatal in this position. You also both agreed verbally to talk to each other about these things so that is a failure on both your parts. Its a failure on my part for not consistently attempting to facilitate communication too.
I don't know how long you were aware that you needed to adjust what you were doing, but your failure to do so is a failure of the worst sort - the time delay between realizing you should and doing it is properly the same as the time between feeling an itch and reaching to scratch it - No delay is appropriate.
In the end, I'm just annoyed by the whole thing. Dhugal tells me he feels bad about his failures causing me to lose a dog walker too.
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I never neglected to walk the dogs, and when they obviously needed to go out even when the time wasn't convenient for me -- Banshee and Akando each, on separate nights, had to go after midnight because their tummies were upset over something -- but I know from how, perhaps overly so, protective I had been of Covy how futile it is to discuss something with the dog's owner.
A lot of mumbo jumbo "remedies" have been suggested to me over the years and I've spent time and resources I have few to spare trying them only to not work. The only remedy that's had a real measure of success in treating my migraine, depression or anxiety was medication. I've tried spirituality and the overly suggested "think yourself out, just pretend to be happy and you will be" b.s. There are people who turn to religion and manage to content themselves with that, but that particular example actually made my depression worse.
In regards to your "bare skin to the sun" stuff, I thought I remembered you mentioning this previously and I had replied to you my experience in sun exposure just this past summer ... I incurred a sunburn so deep, after just a few hours out in the sun, that it took two weeks before I could lay on my back ... besides which my primary problem with psoriasis in the weather has been my legs. It feels very much like a very bad sunburn, making it painful to move joints. I need to be in with a dermatologist for real solutions, but that's just not attainable without regular access to health care.
Its nice that Dhugal says he feels bad to you, but of course that doesn't equate to him saying "I made a mistake, I rescind my banishment to you" to me. Not that it matters, but I regret pushing him ... I should ahve just gone outside, maybe taken the dogs on an extra walk since I felt trapped but I panicked and didn't respond appropriately to his intimidation and aggression ... not that I know whether there is such a thing as a proper response.
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With logic like that about sun, the fact that somebody can be hurt by an overdose on a drug means the drug should never be researched or used. A minute of sun. Five minutes. We're not talking hours, for fucks sake.
Learn what dermatologists know, and even if you can't get prescription medicines, you will learn of things you CAN do, like using over the counter meds that have some of the same effects, and how to measure, combine, and handle them. Information sets you free. This information is not secret and can be learned, just like a dermatologist does.
Your setting of your priorities that gaming is more important than finding solutions to your health and career issues just blows my mind. If I ran my life that way, I wouldn't be anywhere close to where I am, I assure you.
There is a always proper response - one that follows the priorities of what you believe to be the most important. If staying here with us was most important, you did not behave to that priority, you did not behave properly.
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