For those of you at work right now, this memo is for you!!!
MANAGEMENT
Memorandum
Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci Bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAKS:
Skinny People get 30 minutes for Lunch, as they need to Eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minute for Lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for Lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a Doctor's statement as proof of Sickness. If you are able to go to the Doctor, You are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restrooms. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.
SURGERY:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs.You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of Employment.
Thank you for your Loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all Questions, Comments, Concerns, Complaints, Frustrations, Irritations, Aggravations, Insinuations, Allegations, Accusations, Contemplation, Consternation and Input should be directed elsewhere.
Have A Nice Week!
Memorandum
Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci Bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAKS:
Skinny People get 30 minutes for Lunch, as they need to Eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minute for Lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for Lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a Doctor's statement as proof of Sickness. If you are able to go to the Doctor, You are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restrooms. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.
SURGERY:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs.You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of Employment.
Thank you for your Loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all Questions, Comments, Concerns, Complaints, Frustrations, Irritations, Aggravations, Insinuations, Allegations, Accusations, Contemplation, Consternation and Input should be directed elsewhere.
Have A Nice Week!