mah brain today
The thing that will kill me in the end, barring any kind of illness or freak accident, will probably be stress and my inability to relax. I was noticing last night just how much tension I hold in my body and how hard it is for me to allow myself to relax. Even when I have the time to do so, I feel guilty for not doing something productive and then I get more stressed. Trying to relax > unable to = more stress. How screwed up is that?
I've no idea when I became this way, and no real idea of why I feel its so necessary to remain so vigilant all the time.
Thats not to say that I don't have fun or enjoy myself. I do...its just that I am sure that I could have more fun, and enjoy myself more if for one second I could allow myself to relax.
EDIT: Perhaps this realization is what is ultimately behind my insomnia. I am and have always been a high strung person. My "base line" is hypomanic with medication. And, even on that medication which includes THREE mood stablizers, I am still hyper. I know alot of this is my chemistry, and makeup. I also understand that a lot of it is within my control.
The sun is shining into the office/studio window and it makes me wish I could just shuck all responsibility today and work back here. But I have to go to school.
Both my cameras (point and shoot and DSLR) remain sitting on my desk unused. Its been so long since I took pictures for fun. I want to use my DSLR, but I have to read up on how it works and everything and I just haven't. May be I shouldn't have bought it. I don't know.
My head is all jumbled up this morning as you can probably tell. Ok, onward to the shower.
I've no idea when I became this way, and no real idea of why I feel its so necessary to remain so vigilant all the time.
Thats not to say that I don't have fun or enjoy myself. I do...its just that I am sure that I could have more fun, and enjoy myself more if for one second I could allow myself to relax.
EDIT: Perhaps this realization is what is ultimately behind my insomnia. I am and have always been a high strung person. My "base line" is hypomanic with medication. And, even on that medication which includes THREE mood stablizers, I am still hyper. I know alot of this is my chemistry, and makeup. I also understand that a lot of it is within my control.
The sun is shining into the office/studio window and it makes me wish I could just shuck all responsibility today and work back here. But I have to go to school.
Both my cameras (point and shoot and DSLR) remain sitting on my desk unused. Its been so long since I took pictures for fun. I want to use my DSLR, but I have to read up on how it works and everything and I just haven't. May be I shouldn't have bought it. I don't know.
My head is all jumbled up this morning as you can probably tell. Ok, onward to the shower.