Good morning heartache, thought we said goodbye last night
Yesterday was crap. Besides all the work I needed to accomplish, my head was in this really really negative place. You know sometimes when one thing goes wrong and EVERYTHING seems wrong? Thats how it went all day.
I recognize how I cannot and should not let things bother me to this extreme. I was so frustrated and negative that I got a headache. I feel like no one understands.
I am way too sensitive. Lately, I seem to be so moody and the littlest things are getting to me. It probably has more to do with being on the high spectrum of hypomania than anything else.
I am trying desperately to finish the commission website. I have had many issues and problems. Slowly, they are being solved. I am going today to upload the most current and corrected site, and after next weekend I seriously hope this thing is put to bed. I am sick of looking at it, and worrying about it. It has been a huge effort and has just driven home the point that this in not what I want to do with my life.
When I was asked in therapy the other day what I want for my future. I had to pause to really think about it. I have, for so long, operated in the "lets just get through this day/moment" and I have failed to really plan or think about the future. My immediate response was that above all else, I want to have some sense of inner peace in my life. And I know that life is all ups and downs, but I want to build that resource within myself so that I know how to access it when I need it. I have notions on how to get there now, but they are not concrete.
I need to stop talking so much. I need to listen more. I need to stop resisting the realities in my life that I cannot change. I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself. I need to sit and meditate more.
I need to do a bunch of things. I feel pulled in so many directions.
OK, the negative place my head was in yesterday? Well obviously its still hangin' around.