Conference of Hilarity
Hey there guys and gals! Long time no post! It's called a dissertation, okay? Total time-suck those things. Anywhoo, I have a great story to tell about a conference I went to over the weekend that I thought you'd appreciate...
So I was scheduled to speak at a conference in Michigan over the weekend at 8:30am Sunday morning--the "hangover slot" as they call it. Now, my field is Art History, but my topic was about a more general history thing, so I was grouped in with a theology person and a history person under a related theme. I thought it weird that I hadn't heard anything from the organizer. She teaches at a university that I will not disclose, BUT she clearly had organized the session of speakers around her own topic, as she would be speaking first. I was going third and last.
I had emailed her earlier in the week to ask how long we would have to speak. No reply. Okaaaay. I'll just aim for the usual 20 minutes. As the only art historian, I figured I had better bring my own laptop in case the other speakers didn't have powerpoints to go with their presentations, and I was glad I did. I showed up at 8:15 and met the second speaker, who pointed out the projector and the fact that it didn't have a computer hooked up to it. Our organizer had not yet shown, so I went ahead and set up my laptop.
The audience trickled in and were composed of the following:
1--old British guy
1--pony-tailed professor
5--bored undergrads, or possibly MA students
2--the second speakers parents
At 8:30, Organizer Lady had still not shown up, and the second speaker "SS" turned to me and asked what we should do. I told her, "Look, we'll give her five minutes. If she doesn't show, I'll introduce you and then you can introduce me. We'll take our time and give our talks." A couple of minutes after I said this a woman with really long hair burst in and said, "She's parking the car and will be in soon!" She was wearing a badge that said "Independent Scholar" which in our world is a nice way of saying "Unemployed, like, for a while." Then, looking at SS and myself, she said, "I'm going to introduce you. What do you want me to say?"
Me: "Um, we sent Organizer Lady our CVs--she should know."
Long-hair Lady: "Well just tell me now and I'll just do it."
Me: "Um okay, I'm a graduate student working toward my PhD in BLAH at CU and work with Steven M."
All of a sudden Organizer Lady burst in, bubble-y laughing to try to down play the fact that she was ten minutes late to her own session. She was dressed in a blazer, but it was placed over a mumu, which she had accessorized with ankle socks and black loafers. Organizer Lady clearly did not believe in the shaving of legs, which would not be a huge issue had she not been so blessed in the folicle department. In fact, her upper lip also proudly bore the signs of said blessing. She promptly unplugged my computer and plugged hers in.
OL: "Sorry, you have an older version of powerpoint."
Me: "Um, okay."
OL: "Sorry everyone, I'm going to get started while my computer boots up!" [bubbley laughing]
Long-haired Lady: "Wait, let me introduce everyone! ....and third we have SKULLLADY, she's working with STAN M."
Me: "Um, that's Stev...oh nevermind."
So Organizer Lady launched in. She was holding a giant coffee and thrust it through the air to make her point. Over my computer on the podium. Then, for some inexplicable reason, she took the lid OFF THE COFFEE and kept gesticulating. I'm not sure I heard one word of her talk. All I could do was stare at my helpless laptop sitting precariously beneath her cupped hand. Would it be rude if I jumped up and snatched it? I would have to scale this desk in front of me... This state of affairs continued for 20 agonizing minutes. I thought of the time Wayne Brady was on the Dave Chapelle show: "Is (Skulllady) going to have to choke a b*tch? I mean, I'm not a violent person..."
At long last OL was done. SS got up to speak, sans coffee, so I took a deep breath and relaxed. Apparently, I was not the only one relaxing--Long-hair Lady, who was facing sideways so she could stand up to introduce speakers had relaxed to such an extent that her head was drooping forward. Now, someone else with a slightly drooped head (see Joe Biden during Obama's speech) might not have been as noticeable. However, this woman's copious hair began to shift also, flopping over the back of her head, making it decidedly obivous that she had passed out. When I got up to speak, Long-hair Lady had roused herself to clap for SS before me. However, once I got going, I saw the long hair shift ominously forward until it made contact with the ground. Organizer Lady was sitting behind her and attempted to reach forward across her table to nudge her friend awake. She nudged. LHL swayed. She nudged again. The long hair swayed again. At this point I nearly lost my place in my reading. That's also when I noticed that two of the undergrads had closed their eyes as well.
Well, at least I had inserted jokes into my presentation, and the nine people who were still awake laughed at them. Organzier Lady's laugh reminded me of the laugh Mozart gives in Amadeus: inappropriately loud and high, but at least it served the purpose of waking our three sleeping companions. I got two questions from pony-tail professor and one from old British man. Not bad response for a (conscious) nine-person audience.
So I was scheduled to speak at a conference in Michigan over the weekend at 8:30am Sunday morning--the "hangover slot" as they call it. Now, my field is Art History, but my topic was about a more general history thing, so I was grouped in with a theology person and a history person under a related theme. I thought it weird that I hadn't heard anything from the organizer. She teaches at a university that I will not disclose, BUT she clearly had organized the session of speakers around her own topic, as she would be speaking first. I was going third and last.
I had emailed her earlier in the week to ask how long we would have to speak. No reply. Okaaaay. I'll just aim for the usual 20 minutes. As the only art historian, I figured I had better bring my own laptop in case the other speakers didn't have powerpoints to go with their presentations, and I was glad I did. I showed up at 8:15 and met the second speaker, who pointed out the projector and the fact that it didn't have a computer hooked up to it. Our organizer had not yet shown, so I went ahead and set up my laptop.
The audience trickled in and were composed of the following:
1--old British guy
1--pony-tailed professor
5--bored undergrads, or possibly MA students
2--the second speakers parents
At 8:30, Organizer Lady had still not shown up, and the second speaker "SS" turned to me and asked what we should do. I told her, "Look, we'll give her five minutes. If she doesn't show, I'll introduce you and then you can introduce me. We'll take our time and give our talks." A couple of minutes after I said this a woman with really long hair burst in and said, "She's parking the car and will be in soon!" She was wearing a badge that said "Independent Scholar" which in our world is a nice way of saying "Unemployed, like, for a while." Then, looking at SS and myself, she said, "I'm going to introduce you. What do you want me to say?"
Me: "Um, we sent Organizer Lady our CVs--she should know."
Long-hair Lady: "Well just tell me now and I'll just do it."
Me: "Um okay, I'm a graduate student working toward my PhD in BLAH at CU and work with Steven M."
All of a sudden Organizer Lady burst in, bubble-y laughing to try to down play the fact that she was ten minutes late to her own session. She was dressed in a blazer, but it was placed over a mumu, which she had accessorized with ankle socks and black loafers. Organizer Lady clearly did not believe in the shaving of legs, which would not be a huge issue had she not been so blessed in the folicle department. In fact, her upper lip also proudly bore the signs of said blessing. She promptly unplugged my computer and plugged hers in.
OL: "Sorry, you have an older version of powerpoint."
Me: "Um, okay."
OL: "Sorry everyone, I'm going to get started while my computer boots up!" [bubbley laughing]
Long-haired Lady: "Wait, let me introduce everyone! ....and third we have SKULLLADY, she's working with STAN M."
Me: "Um, that's Stev...oh nevermind."
So Organizer Lady launched in. She was holding a giant coffee and thrust it through the air to make her point. Over my computer on the podium. Then, for some inexplicable reason, she took the lid OFF THE COFFEE and kept gesticulating. I'm not sure I heard one word of her talk. All I could do was stare at my helpless laptop sitting precariously beneath her cupped hand. Would it be rude if I jumped up and snatched it? I would have to scale this desk in front of me... This state of affairs continued for 20 agonizing minutes. I thought of the time Wayne Brady was on the Dave Chapelle show: "Is (Skulllady) going to have to choke a b*tch? I mean, I'm not a violent person..."
At long last OL was done. SS got up to speak, sans coffee, so I took a deep breath and relaxed. Apparently, I was not the only one relaxing--Long-hair Lady, who was facing sideways so she could stand up to introduce speakers had relaxed to such an extent that her head was drooping forward. Now, someone else with a slightly drooped head (see Joe Biden during Obama's speech) might not have been as noticeable. However, this woman's copious hair began to shift also, flopping over the back of her head, making it decidedly obivous that she had passed out. When I got up to speak, Long-hair Lady had roused herself to clap for SS before me. However, once I got going, I saw the long hair shift ominously forward until it made contact with the ground. Organizer Lady was sitting behind her and attempted to reach forward across her table to nudge her friend awake. She nudged. LHL swayed. She nudged again. The long hair swayed again. At this point I nearly lost my place in my reading. That's also when I noticed that two of the undergrads had closed their eyes as well.
Well, at least I had inserted jokes into my presentation, and the nine people who were still awake laughed at them. Organzier Lady's laugh reminded me of the laugh Mozart gives in Amadeus: inappropriately loud and high, but at least it served the purpose of waking our three sleeping companions. I got two questions from pony-tail professor and one from old British man. Not bad response for a (conscious) nine-person audience.