It doesnt matter any more.
One thing I often work with is perspective.
Some people would say lies
Others would think that they are just different versions of the same story- and they are.
But what happens when only one version of the story is told?
The old adage of "his, hers, and the truth" is buried, not even given a chance to be mulled over if all you hear of the story is "his". Unfortunately the truth can never be told in anything but the past tense if it wasn't used in every moment of the journey so the story just "naturally unfolded- the truth is quite, it doesn't care to go back and rehash things, it moves on. it stays there, looms over everyone, but is silent. It is up to the other parts to try and shed some light on it.
So I could probably tell you his half, but that is not my story to tell.
I am writing this only for myself to get it out of me, because you see I feel like ive told myself stories within my own story to justify the outcome. the outcome has already happened, so that does not matter, what matters to me, where I go from there.
so:
We met, I liked him. I thought he was sweet, funny, we had alot of personality traits in common things were good. But he was clingy, insecure, passive-aggressive, and persuasive.
Looking back on it now with more wisdom, I didn't help the insecurities with my actions, but to me that "wasn't my problem" and I didn't want them to be.
I didn't realize just how much he wanted them to at least be supported bc he figured long term relationship= that's healthy! but I wanted no part in a long term relationship
I wanted multiple partners
I wanted to be young, good looking, and available to the world.
I had already put my real dreams in the garbage due to my soul truly being crushed by family stuff- so I was going to wild out in every way possible- a typical reaction.
I would say everything he/we went through was his fault. I tried over and over to push him away, and he insisted on coming back. I let him (again, I wanted world dick domination) but why would one come back if they were pushed away in the first place?
He would maybe say it was because he loved me or he cared- but I realize now, if you really care for someone, you let them write their own story. you let them go and if they come back to you great, if not oh well.
If he really "loved" me, he would have seen how self destructive I was to myself, and everyone around me. He would have had to have had "the hard talk" with me, and told me I needed help.
He would have HELPED me by letting me fail and learn for myself, since I am stubborn like that and he KNEW IT.
Instead he "helped" by being right by my side, fucking handing me they shit that was making me sick, and then making sure I was alive after the shit-show I'd put on.
Yes, I am thankful that he was there to make sure I was alive- fuck I owe my life to him for that to this day!
But I do not have to be thankful for being kept in the dark, being kept held down from my highest self all because he wanted to be indulgent.
He wanted to be "us"; he didn't want me to be Me.
So fuck you
just because you would light candles, write love notes, and make delicious dinners doesn't make you a hero. It makes you a romantic that is only in love with the idea of being in-love, not going through the messy, hypocritical, shameful real shit that life throws at us.
You showed patience, you showed "support" and for that I convinced myself that I loved you too, but you never showed ambition, you never showed risk outside from letting me drive my own car after I was fuckin LIT everytime. You only supported my partying, not my growth. You never showed me that it was okay to be vulnerable, that I was okay the way I was and that I could be even better! You took pleasure in ridiculing me for my actions, words, and "failures". You liked being the better person- the "simple" person, the "humble" person...
Fuck you.
you couldn't give me space to be all sides me of, not just to few that fall into your satisfaction as you chastise the others. You knew exactly how to get under my skin and manipulate me. You knew which buttons to push when and for that I thought you knew ME , and we were close- but it just shows you didn't really care.
You were jealous, and demeaning. I think you still might be.
Fuck you
for calling yourself the victim for "being the good one" in the relationship, for "trying"
But you never pushed me to grow. You never cared about my future. You only cared for yours.
And you just basically stay the same.
So my wish for you is my wish for me:
I hope you get to travel and see other ways of life, so you can be inspired and grateful for all that you have.
I hope you eat well, laugh often, and cry so hard because your heart is moved so greatly.
I hope you reach your fullest potential, and never stop striving for it just because it's too dark or too hard or too messy.
I hope you really loose it all, just to have to re-invent yourself, learn your boundries, and come back bigger, stronger, and more creative and truly humble than ever.
I hope you experience love on so many levels that you could die tomorrow with a full heart.
I hope you stop lying to yourself that you're a good person and just BE a radiant being that spreads light into the world.
I hope you learn to shut up, and listen, so that you may learn something new.
I hope you are remembered fondly
For the record, I think it will always be akward if we ever see each other again. And I'm totally okay with that.
I will always think of this as our past.
I will always feel a part of my heart feel guilty that I wasn't my truest self.
I will always be sorry, that I never gave myself or anything a real chance back then.
I just didn't love myself, so how could I ever love anything or anyone else? I will always remember that empty feeling.
I am always sorry for when I hurt other people, because I know what it is like to hurt.
I will never wish to go back in time.
Some people would say lies
Others would think that they are just different versions of the same story- and they are.
But what happens when only one version of the story is told?
The old adage of "his, hers, and the truth" is buried, not even given a chance to be mulled over if all you hear of the story is "his". Unfortunately the truth can never be told in anything but the past tense if it wasn't used in every moment of the journey so the story just "naturally unfolded- the truth is quite, it doesn't care to go back and rehash things, it moves on. it stays there, looms over everyone, but is silent. It is up to the other parts to try and shed some light on it.
So I could probably tell you his half, but that is not my story to tell.
I am writing this only for myself to get it out of me, because you see I feel like ive told myself stories within my own story to justify the outcome. the outcome has already happened, so that does not matter, what matters to me, where I go from there.
so:
We met, I liked him. I thought he was sweet, funny, we had alot of personality traits in common things were good. But he was clingy, insecure, passive-aggressive, and persuasive.
Looking back on it now with more wisdom, I didn't help the insecurities with my actions, but to me that "wasn't my problem" and I didn't want them to be.
I didn't realize just how much he wanted them to at least be supported bc he figured long term relationship= that's healthy! but I wanted no part in a long term relationship
I wanted multiple partners
I wanted to be young, good looking, and available to the world.
I had already put my real dreams in the garbage due to my soul truly being crushed by family stuff- so I was going to wild out in every way possible- a typical reaction.
I would say everything he/we went through was his fault. I tried over and over to push him away, and he insisted on coming back. I let him (again, I wanted world dick domination) but why would one come back if they were pushed away in the first place?
He would maybe say it was because he loved me or he cared- but I realize now, if you really care for someone, you let them write their own story. you let them go and if they come back to you great, if not oh well.
If he really "loved" me, he would have seen how self destructive I was to myself, and everyone around me. He would have had to have had "the hard talk" with me, and told me I needed help.
He would have HELPED me by letting me fail and learn for myself, since I am stubborn like that and he KNEW IT.
Instead he "helped" by being right by my side, fucking handing me they shit that was making me sick, and then making sure I was alive after the shit-show I'd put on.
Yes, I am thankful that he was there to make sure I was alive- fuck I owe my life to him for that to this day!
But I do not have to be thankful for being kept in the dark, being kept held down from my highest self all because he wanted to be indulgent.
He wanted to be "us"; he didn't want me to be Me.
So fuck you
just because you would light candles, write love notes, and make delicious dinners doesn't make you a hero. It makes you a romantic that is only in love with the idea of being in-love, not going through the messy, hypocritical, shameful real shit that life throws at us.
You showed patience, you showed "support" and for that I convinced myself that I loved you too, but you never showed ambition, you never showed risk outside from letting me drive my own car after I was fuckin LIT everytime. You only supported my partying, not my growth. You never showed me that it was okay to be vulnerable, that I was okay the way I was and that I could be even better! You took pleasure in ridiculing me for my actions, words, and "failures". You liked being the better person- the "simple" person, the "humble" person...
Fuck you.
you couldn't give me space to be all sides me of, not just to few that fall into your satisfaction as you chastise the others. You knew exactly how to get under my skin and manipulate me. You knew which buttons to push when and for that I thought you knew ME , and we were close- but it just shows you didn't really care.
You were jealous, and demeaning. I think you still might be.
Fuck you
for calling yourself the victim for "being the good one" in the relationship, for "trying"
But you never pushed me to grow. You never cared about my future. You only cared for yours.
And you just basically stay the same.
So my wish for you is my wish for me:
I hope you get to travel and see other ways of life, so you can be inspired and grateful for all that you have.
I hope you eat well, laugh often, and cry so hard because your heart is moved so greatly.
I hope you reach your fullest potential, and never stop striving for it just because it's too dark or too hard or too messy.
I hope you really loose it all, just to have to re-invent yourself, learn your boundries, and come back bigger, stronger, and more creative and truly humble than ever.
I hope you experience love on so many levels that you could die tomorrow with a full heart.
I hope you stop lying to yourself that you're a good person and just BE a radiant being that spreads light into the world.
I hope you learn to shut up, and listen, so that you may learn something new.
I hope you are remembered fondly
For the record, I think it will always be akward if we ever see each other again. And I'm totally okay with that.
I will always think of this as our past.
I will always feel a part of my heart feel guilty that I wasn't my truest self.
I will always be sorry, that I never gave myself or anything a real chance back then.
I just didn't love myself, so how could I ever love anything or anyone else? I will always remember that empty feeling.
I am always sorry for when I hurt other people, because I know what it is like to hurt.
I will never wish to go back in time.