DU CREW
I have a fear about going to see my mates in 2 days:
The fear I am facing has to do with my mask.
For so long- so so long- I have worn a mask to hide the emotional pain I was in.
This mask was conceived out of hatred and anger for my family breaking up, for grief over the loss of my family unit as a whole, and the members themselves, and for really just never using my true voice.
SOOOOOO much shit has happened because of me not being true to myself.
It just always comes out wrong.
Add on top of this an ass load of alcohol and weed, a few burritos, shake vigorously and poof, you have my "identiy" from 2005-2012 (Some would aruge that the lingering effects cause it to be until today 2017, but I would say that that 2005-2012 were very much the active years the rest is lingering chalk dust)
Anyway I find that the layers and layer of this mask are slowly- oh so slowly starting to face and peel off that the mask is becoming more and more transparent (there is still MUCH work to be done) that hopefully one day soon I wont need it at all. (It is always helpful to have a goal, right?)
And now I'm about to engulf myself with the people that experienced me as the masked-me only. It is kind of overwhelming! I know people change and all, but people don't like change. I feel like there may be expectations of me, and my biggest fear is that masked-me habits with automatically switch on and take over causing me to not only meet, but maybe exceed the presumed expectations which is EXACTLY what I DON'T want since
1) I never liked the way I was in the first place
2) it was always disastrous
and 3) it would be a warp-speed ride BACK in my progression from all that
Okay, now that I've written it down and got it out of me, I am not so fearful (it's dulled a lot but still kinda there...I'm trying to turn it into butterflies in my tummy) Butterflies change, right, and everyone thinks they are beautiful! hahahaha! Okay Mariah Carey, calm down.
Still, I can be stonger, becasue I am stronger, and if they don't understand then this won't really be a reunion, it will be more like a goodbye; a funeral for my evil self.
The fear I am facing has to do with my mask.
For so long- so so long- I have worn a mask to hide the emotional pain I was in.
This mask was conceived out of hatred and anger for my family breaking up, for grief over the loss of my family unit as a whole, and the members themselves, and for really just never using my true voice.
SOOOOOO much shit has happened because of me not being true to myself.
It just always comes out wrong.
Add on top of this an ass load of alcohol and weed, a few burritos, shake vigorously and poof, you have my "identiy" from 2005-2012 (Some would aruge that the lingering effects cause it to be until today 2017, but I would say that that 2005-2012 were very much the active years the rest is lingering chalk dust)
Anyway I find that the layers and layer of this mask are slowly- oh so slowly starting to face and peel off that the mask is becoming more and more transparent (there is still MUCH work to be done) that hopefully one day soon I wont need it at all. (It is always helpful to have a goal, right?)
And now I'm about to engulf myself with the people that experienced me as the masked-me only. It is kind of overwhelming! I know people change and all, but people don't like change. I feel like there may be expectations of me, and my biggest fear is that masked-me habits with automatically switch on and take over causing me to not only meet, but maybe exceed the presumed expectations which is EXACTLY what I DON'T want since
1) I never liked the way I was in the first place
2) it was always disastrous
and 3) it would be a warp-speed ride BACK in my progression from all that
Okay, now that I've written it down and got it out of me, I am not so fearful (it's dulled a lot but still kinda there...I'm trying to turn it into butterflies in my tummy) Butterflies change, right, and everyone thinks they are beautiful! hahahaha! Okay Mariah Carey, calm down.
Still, I can be stonger, becasue I am stronger, and if they don't understand then this won't really be a reunion, it will be more like a goodbye; a funeral for my evil self.