Talks with Dad
used to leave me feeling so vailidated, so understood, and like I really could go any where, do anything, be anyone that I wanted to be. My father was uplifting, funny, full of laughter, and always with a twinkle in his eye.
That Father is gone. It took me a long time to realize it, to come to grips with it, but he is no longer that man. That was was a role he played, for this sake of us kids, and now what is left is the person inside that is still hurting, still neglected and angry. Dark clouds now obstruct any twinkles and instead blur, twist, and wrap his perception of the outside world.
His laughter is a whole lot less, and usually just due to a thought of madness. He no longers tells me my skies are limitless, but instead says awful four letter words like "don't" can't" and refers to everything as "shit".
My mother is coming to visit at the end of August and I suggested to Jake that we just get married then. She would be there, he could invite his mother, and I had invited my brother and father, who swears he would be "neutral" enough that he and my mother could both participate in this important event, and I believed him. I believed IN him. Jacob, however, was teh only one not on board saying that it was "too hot in August" and would prefer a cooler season.
"You can't even stand the heat," he said to me concerned.
And while that was true, I figure that even for just a moment, every awkward little piece could have fit just right. But without a groom, the wedding was off.
And I told my father, and every time I say something about marriage- mine, my friends', the whole thing in general, he acts like it's the worst thing in the world. And it may be, but that is for ME to find out. Every marriage is DIFFERENT, and it is HARD WORK, but it's a partnership that I would like to enter because I like my partner. Sure we cold stay unmarried, but I would really like to be able to make it official. W
hy? I just think it's nice. I mean, I'm not out there gallivanting with other men and women or seeking new experiences that are so far fetched that I don't want a tether, and I just want to be free with ME. Right now I WANT to be tethered to HIM, because I feel for so long I have been just floating off into space and losing my mind, that he grounds me, and it feels nice. This is the first, no THE ONLY, monogomous relationship I have ever had, and it feels wonderful. It feels right!
Its hard to explain but I finally feel like I have met my balance. He is strong where I am weak; intense where I am lax; sensitive where I am callous... and I know he feels the same. We accept each other for our highlights, and for our shadows; for our stories of the past, how we have used them to make choices of who we are today, and for the dreams of our future. Live your life. Chase your dreams. Be grateful for every moment. Love intensely. I can do all these things without him, but I would rather do them WITH him. And that, to me, speaks volumes, because I have NEVER thought of anyone besides myself.
I don't think I will invite my father to my wedding. It will probably hurt his feelings, but it hurts me more to have him there griping and filled with "Nos" of all sorts. I only want people there whom are understanding that love is crazy, complicated, and unconditional, and they are rooting for us to have more highs than lows.
That Father is gone. It took me a long time to realize it, to come to grips with it, but he is no longer that man. That was was a role he played, for this sake of us kids, and now what is left is the person inside that is still hurting, still neglected and angry. Dark clouds now obstruct any twinkles and instead blur, twist, and wrap his perception of the outside world.
His laughter is a whole lot less, and usually just due to a thought of madness. He no longers tells me my skies are limitless, but instead says awful four letter words like "don't" can't" and refers to everything as "shit".
My mother is coming to visit at the end of August and I suggested to Jake that we just get married then. She would be there, he could invite his mother, and I had invited my brother and father, who swears he would be "neutral" enough that he and my mother could both participate in this important event, and I believed him. I believed IN him. Jacob, however, was teh only one not on board saying that it was "too hot in August" and would prefer a cooler season.
"You can't even stand the heat," he said to me concerned.
And while that was true, I figure that even for just a moment, every awkward little piece could have fit just right. But without a groom, the wedding was off.
And I told my father, and every time I say something about marriage- mine, my friends', the whole thing in general, he acts like it's the worst thing in the world. And it may be, but that is for ME to find out. Every marriage is DIFFERENT, and it is HARD WORK, but it's a partnership that I would like to enter because I like my partner. Sure we cold stay unmarried, but I would really like to be able to make it official. W
hy? I just think it's nice. I mean, I'm not out there gallivanting with other men and women or seeking new experiences that are so far fetched that I don't want a tether, and I just want to be free with ME. Right now I WANT to be tethered to HIM, because I feel for so long I have been just floating off into space and losing my mind, that he grounds me, and it feels nice. This is the first, no THE ONLY, monogomous relationship I have ever had, and it feels wonderful. It feels right!
Its hard to explain but I finally feel like I have met my balance. He is strong where I am weak; intense where I am lax; sensitive where I am callous... and I know he feels the same. We accept each other for our highlights, and for our shadows; for our stories of the past, how we have used them to make choices of who we are today, and for the dreams of our future. Live your life. Chase your dreams. Be grateful for every moment. Love intensely. I can do all these things without him, but I would rather do them WITH him. And that, to me, speaks volumes, because I have NEVER thought of anyone besides myself.
I don't think I will invite my father to my wedding. It will probably hurt his feelings, but it hurts me more to have him there griping and filled with "Nos" of all sorts. I only want people there whom are understanding that love is crazy, complicated, and unconditional, and they are rooting for us to have more highs than lows.