blah blah blah
so I never did get to writing up the whole week before winter break. I mean, it's not particularly important, anyway. I lost the original saved draft and I don't feel like backtracking through a bunch of shit I already tried to explain, anyway.
currently, I've definitely been feeling better, though I'm still fighting off occasional dips into that bad mindset. something about being on vacation makes them easier to deal with, though. sometimes I'll be sitting around here bored out of my skull, hating being alone...but when I need to clear my head, sitting in the shower or out on the porch and just appreciating the solitude and the change of scenery really helps. I find myself able to calmly let the anxiety go in a way that I really can't do when I'm holed up in my room, like the physical distance between myself and everything I'm worried about allows me to create the mental distance I need.
I'm still pretty excited to go home though, and get back to like, real life. I'm hoping I'll be able make some positive changes based on some of the reflections I've had over here, but I always hope for that after a trip. who knows what'll actually happen.
anyways, my christmas has been pretty pleasant. I got a nice surprise when illy called me and left me a message wishing me happy holidays :) I called him back and we caught up on what each of us has been up to since the last time we talked, and he's doing even better than before. he wanted to know why I haven't found a rich guy to take care of me and give me everything I deserve, hahaha. he really has no idea that he's treated me the best out of pretty much every guy I've ever been involved with, including suvy. maybe someday I'll get to see him again, if he ever visits philly. I don't think he's ever coming back to new york, and I understand why. whenever people come here they get sucked back into their neuroses, their insecurities, their addictions...and that's how they get stuck, just letting time pass, letting the city make them more and more miserable.
arthur also texted some holiday tidings and I'm considering maybe talking to him, although I'm not sure if it's the best idea. if what he wants from me is to flirt and make small talk and skim over all the heavy shit, it's not even worth it for me to pick up the phone. but I feel like if I can have a real conversation with him and at least make him aware of the number of enemies he's made up north, he might actually be motivated to try and get his fucked up behavior under control. I do miss being friends with him, the good parts of him, and I don't want his bad traits to continue preventing our interaction forever...emily's been saying for a while now that it makes sense to get back in contact with him, just to make sure not to get close, you know? I'll give him a chance at least, and if it's clear that despite all the shit he's been through with molly and everything he still has no desire and/or will to change, then I'll just back off until if and when he's ready to make that decision.
other than that I've been managing to keep in touch with lola, emily, anya, the majority of the people I truly care about, and that's been good for me. I briefly exchanged some holiday messages with donovan as well, and tried to call him this afternoon to see if I could make some friendly conversation but he didn't pick up so whatever. a big part of my feeling better lately has been that I'm a lot more relaxed about that whole deal. I still get some pangs of jealousy when I consider his relationship with kelly, a girl he's been seeing casually as well and drunkenly macked on the whole time at a concert we were both at, but as long as me and him remain friends and I can keep kicking it in long island and having fun with all those cool kids I think I'll get over it.
so yeah, I gotta rush off to have dinner with my family now, ugh. so, peace out lj.
cheers.
currently, I've definitely been feeling better, though I'm still fighting off occasional dips into that bad mindset. something about being on vacation makes them easier to deal with, though. sometimes I'll be sitting around here bored out of my skull, hating being alone...but when I need to clear my head, sitting in the shower or out on the porch and just appreciating the solitude and the change of scenery really helps. I find myself able to calmly let the anxiety go in a way that I really can't do when I'm holed up in my room, like the physical distance between myself and everything I'm worried about allows me to create the mental distance I need.
I'm still pretty excited to go home though, and get back to like, real life. I'm hoping I'll be able make some positive changes based on some of the reflections I've had over here, but I always hope for that after a trip. who knows what'll actually happen.
anyways, my christmas has been pretty pleasant. I got a nice surprise when illy called me and left me a message wishing me happy holidays :) I called him back and we caught up on what each of us has been up to since the last time we talked, and he's doing even better than before. he wanted to know why I haven't found a rich guy to take care of me and give me everything I deserve, hahaha. he really has no idea that he's treated me the best out of pretty much every guy I've ever been involved with, including suvy. maybe someday I'll get to see him again, if he ever visits philly. I don't think he's ever coming back to new york, and I understand why. whenever people come here they get sucked back into their neuroses, their insecurities, their addictions...and that's how they get stuck, just letting time pass, letting the city make them more and more miserable.
arthur also texted some holiday tidings and I'm considering maybe talking to him, although I'm not sure if it's the best idea. if what he wants from me is to flirt and make small talk and skim over all the heavy shit, it's not even worth it for me to pick up the phone. but I feel like if I can have a real conversation with him and at least make him aware of the number of enemies he's made up north, he might actually be motivated to try and get his fucked up behavior under control. I do miss being friends with him, the good parts of him, and I don't want his bad traits to continue preventing our interaction forever...emily's been saying for a while now that it makes sense to get back in contact with him, just to make sure not to get close, you know? I'll give him a chance at least, and if it's clear that despite all the shit he's been through with molly and everything he still has no desire and/or will to change, then I'll just back off until if and when he's ready to make that decision.
other than that I've been managing to keep in touch with lola, emily, anya, the majority of the people I truly care about, and that's been good for me. I briefly exchanged some holiday messages with donovan as well, and tried to call him this afternoon to see if I could make some friendly conversation but he didn't pick up so whatever. a big part of my feeling better lately has been that I'm a lot more relaxed about that whole deal. I still get some pangs of jealousy when I consider his relationship with kelly, a girl he's been seeing casually as well and drunkenly macked on the whole time at a concert we were both at, but as long as me and him remain friends and I can keep kicking it in long island and having fun with all those cool kids I think I'll get over it.
so yeah, I gotta rush off to have dinner with my family now, ugh. so, peace out lj.
cheers.