sick as a dog
the full force of how poorly I've been treating my body this weekend hit me this morning when i woke up this morning. I then had to go to school chorus and couldn't sing, stocked up on saline and dayquil, came home and took a nap. I felt so icky and tired that I didn't even bother calling evan up.
I did feel better in terms of out-of-it-ness than yesterday. I still don't feel completely together though. I dunno, I just keep reminding myself that the majority of the people I know who have been in my position (worse, really) and have not had any access to medication have wound up as either alcoholics or junkies (or in shawn's case seriously violent and enraged for a little while, though he's obviously pretty laid back now).
I'm fucking spoiled, really. not just in this, but in my general situation in life. I've had everything I've ever needed and most of what I've ever wanted simply handed to me. it's awesome, in a way, and I try to acknowledge that, but even in just these few weeks of partying more and it getting warmer and spending more time with those friends which don't and have never had as many resources available to them as I have I've been once again made acutely aware of my class.
let's just say I've bought a lot of people drinks. I have this impulse to provide and to show everyone a good time while they're with me, even pay for silly things like metrocard swipes and the like despite the fact that I know they're capable of and used to getting those sorts of things for free on their own. I just worry that I seem like I'm buying my friends, or worse, that I pity them.
arthur talked a bit while he was here of experiencing real poverty for the first time once he left the house, and how that's taught him how to better take care of himself. and he wasn't even coming from as much money as I am. as much as it sounds stupid and ungrateful of me to give up comfort and ease simply for the sake of giving it up, I tentatively hope that something similar happens to me. as molly pointed out to me, I actually will probably be able to ask my parents for funds whenever I need them well after I leave home. but what would that make of me? I'll stay soft, I'll stay dependent, I'll stay complacent. what I need to be is angry, active, self-empowered and self-sufficient.
and to that end partying and getting everybody drunk just won't do. I don't want to get sucked back into the worship of the "noble struggle" of squatters and travelers again, but with the cum laude award and looking at colleges coming up and having to fight my curfews for the past few months and watching slc punk last weekend the anxiety is building again that I'm not making a difference at all. I'm not sure if I could live with myself if I knew all of this was just going to be a fond memory someday, a page in the life of just another schmuck who tasted rebellion when they could get away with it and spends every weekend nostalgically trying to recreate it.
but to gain a little perspective, at my age I'm still a baby in terms of life, and at only a year in I'm definitely a baby in terms of this scene (emily is a year younger than me and has already been involved for 3, molly left home early at 12 and has been hanging around the underground ever since), so I don't expect to know everything and be involved everywhere and fight every problem we face. I would torture myself if I did. but I want to get on a track that leads me somewhere where I can eventually get out there and make an impact.
despite knowing and, obviously, loving my family as individual human beings, their attitudes combined with their position in society uphold the constructs that myself and everyone I associate with is at least somewhat opposed to. even just talking to kristian at the lake and his experiences traveling recently in europe, comparing their society to our awful police state, he nervously began to point out and allowed me to finish his sentence that people like my parents are exactly who the cops are pandering to when they sweep "hippies" and "radicals" off the streets.
my continued reliance on them is counter to the goals I have set for myself, however broad and confused and conflicted those goals may be. but is it wrong to take advantage of their availability while I'm still living under their roof? does it make a difference that I take that cash and spread it amongst my friends? is that any better than going out there and spending it all at american eagle or whatever bullshit most sixteen year olds spend their money on? or should I take it a step further and instead of funneling more dollars into beer and cigarette companies be sparer, spend less in general, give away more of what I own to those who can make better use of it than me?
fuck, here I meant this to be a short time killer post while I check out the oscars (ironic I know) and IM back and forth with my history partner about our project outline and I've worked myself into a ridiculous essay. I dunno, I've been short and sweet on here lately, and these things have all just piled up in my brain and needed to be dumped out.
the shittiest part of this all is that it reflects a return on my part to this pseudo-obsession with "punk", or really, counter-culture in general, specifically the romanticism and the idealism as opposed to the pettiness and bullshit that I've observed and become familiar with and gnashed my teeth over since september. I think maybe my thoughts are reacting against me for that extended period of bitterness and frustration with an overdose of naivete. but this doesn't feel quite the same as before. I'm still aware of the many changes that have occurred in me over that period of time, it's just the feeling of happiness in itself brings back such intense recollections of summer that I can't help but get wrapped up again in my mentality at the time.
I don't have any deeper analysis than that to offer (gosh, I've already rambled enough, haven't I), but it feels good to get it all down. fuck, at least its springtime. maybe if I continue to pump my brain full of information in school and keep up this drunken routine on fridays I won't worry about this shit so much. or maybe, instead, I need a serious reality check. but that in itself is another debate to be had.
cheers.
I did feel better in terms of out-of-it-ness than yesterday. I still don't feel completely together though. I dunno, I just keep reminding myself that the majority of the people I know who have been in my position (worse, really) and have not had any access to medication have wound up as either alcoholics or junkies (or in shawn's case seriously violent and enraged for a little while, though he's obviously pretty laid back now).
I'm fucking spoiled, really. not just in this, but in my general situation in life. I've had everything I've ever needed and most of what I've ever wanted simply handed to me. it's awesome, in a way, and I try to acknowledge that, but even in just these few weeks of partying more and it getting warmer and spending more time with those friends which don't and have never had as many resources available to them as I have I've been once again made acutely aware of my class.
let's just say I've bought a lot of people drinks. I have this impulse to provide and to show everyone a good time while they're with me, even pay for silly things like metrocard swipes and the like despite the fact that I know they're capable of and used to getting those sorts of things for free on their own. I just worry that I seem like I'm buying my friends, or worse, that I pity them.
arthur talked a bit while he was here of experiencing real poverty for the first time once he left the house, and how that's taught him how to better take care of himself. and he wasn't even coming from as much money as I am. as much as it sounds stupid and ungrateful of me to give up comfort and ease simply for the sake of giving it up, I tentatively hope that something similar happens to me. as molly pointed out to me, I actually will probably be able to ask my parents for funds whenever I need them well after I leave home. but what would that make of me? I'll stay soft, I'll stay dependent, I'll stay complacent. what I need to be is angry, active, self-empowered and self-sufficient.
and to that end partying and getting everybody drunk just won't do. I don't want to get sucked back into the worship of the "noble struggle" of squatters and travelers again, but with the cum laude award and looking at colleges coming up and having to fight my curfews for the past few months and watching slc punk last weekend the anxiety is building again that I'm not making a difference at all. I'm not sure if I could live with myself if I knew all of this was just going to be a fond memory someday, a page in the life of just another schmuck who tasted rebellion when they could get away with it and spends every weekend nostalgically trying to recreate it.
but to gain a little perspective, at my age I'm still a baby in terms of life, and at only a year in I'm definitely a baby in terms of this scene (emily is a year younger than me and has already been involved for 3, molly left home early at 12 and has been hanging around the underground ever since), so I don't expect to know everything and be involved everywhere and fight every problem we face. I would torture myself if I did. but I want to get on a track that leads me somewhere where I can eventually get out there and make an impact.
despite knowing and, obviously, loving my family as individual human beings, their attitudes combined with their position in society uphold the constructs that myself and everyone I associate with is at least somewhat opposed to. even just talking to kristian at the lake and his experiences traveling recently in europe, comparing their society to our awful police state, he nervously began to point out and allowed me to finish his sentence that people like my parents are exactly who the cops are pandering to when they sweep "hippies" and "radicals" off the streets.
my continued reliance on them is counter to the goals I have set for myself, however broad and confused and conflicted those goals may be. but is it wrong to take advantage of their availability while I'm still living under their roof? does it make a difference that I take that cash and spread it amongst my friends? is that any better than going out there and spending it all at american eagle or whatever bullshit most sixteen year olds spend their money on? or should I take it a step further and instead of funneling more dollars into beer and cigarette companies be sparer, spend less in general, give away more of what I own to those who can make better use of it than me?
fuck, here I meant this to be a short time killer post while I check out the oscars (ironic I know) and IM back and forth with my history partner about our project outline and I've worked myself into a ridiculous essay. I dunno, I've been short and sweet on here lately, and these things have all just piled up in my brain and needed to be dumped out.
the shittiest part of this all is that it reflects a return on my part to this pseudo-obsession with "punk", or really, counter-culture in general, specifically the romanticism and the idealism as opposed to the pettiness and bullshit that I've observed and become familiar with and gnashed my teeth over since september. I think maybe my thoughts are reacting against me for that extended period of bitterness and frustration with an overdose of naivete. but this doesn't feel quite the same as before. I'm still aware of the many changes that have occurred in me over that period of time, it's just the feeling of happiness in itself brings back such intense recollections of summer that I can't help but get wrapped up again in my mentality at the time.
I don't have any deeper analysis than that to offer (gosh, I've already rambled enough, haven't I), but it feels good to get it all down. fuck, at least its springtime. maybe if I continue to pump my brain full of information in school and keep up this drunken routine on fridays I won't worry about this shit so much. or maybe, instead, I need a serious reality check. but that in itself is another debate to be had.
cheers.