a journal with some actual substance
So, I suppose I'm really overdue to write something of substance or meaning, so I'm going to give it a shot today, forgive me if I'm rambling, but I'm kinda forcing myself to write lately, as it's been hard to really get stuff out.
It's funny, creativity seems to spawn out of misery most of the time for me, though there are rare (and wonderful) exceptions, and lately I've been very content with my place in the world. Though with contentment comes complacency, and that's not a good thing. I think not just me, but we all as humans need some form of struggle, something to challenge us, or we just stop pushing ourselves to improve. And I know I'm far far from perfect, so let the struggle continue.
I'm in a wonderful relationship with a girl who I'm absolutely crazy about, my friends like her, my family likes her, I like her friends and family too. In fact a good portion of her friends I now call friends, but that's all stuff that's been kinda brushed over in past blogs around october. But yeah, so that's going well, it sucks that we're in two different states most of the time, though it's only a 4 hour drive or so depending on traffic, weather, how one chooses to drive, et cetera... so it's not really terrible, and she's been amazingly patient with the whole distance thing, or at the very least she fakes it amazingly well.
There's aspects of the relationship that scare the crap out of me, I won't go into all of them here, but mostly it just has to do with my own insecurities, of which (beyond my bravado and bluster) there are many. She's been pretty much the best thing in my life since returning from iraq though, and her patience and caring and understanding and everything else has really helped me make the transition back into the real world. Of course that scares me too, wondering just how much of the excitement and such about the relationship is because of the newness of it, and the difference between being here with her, and being there and feeling so separated.
But then I think about it, and I know it's more than that to me, I know myself better than that, and I really am excited about me and her, not just having something new and different.
I dunno, maybe I'm rambling and not making sense, but it makes sense to me, and that's what I'm worried about at the moment.
Work has been up and down since the new leadership stepped in, even people who knew the boss before she came in say that she's been corrupted by her possition, and it's easy to see, but then when we're all pissed off about being kept late for no reason, or being fucked around for stuff that had nothing to do with us, or being ignored when we have ideas about the class despite the fact that we've either a) been teaching it for 6-12 months, or b) just got back from overseas and so have more practical ideas about it... all of this goes on, and then when talking to her she'll tell me something about how I've been one of the most prepared people on the team, despite my low rank and short amount of time with the team, how I'm making effort to improve constantly and shit... but then it's all about "one team, one fight" and so we all succeed the same or suffer the same, and so that kind've treatment just turns everyone against the leadership. It's rough, and I truely despise this style of leadership.
And then sunday is the welcome back formation with my home unit in illinois, but I still have to teach in wisconsin sat and mon. And of course sun is the superbowl, which I don't want to miss, so there's gonna be a lot of driving and very little sleeping this weekend, and I'm also gonna see Zoe, because the next few weeks are gonna be really busy, so I'm pro'lly not gonna get to go home for the next few weeks.
I don't know how I feel about seeing the home unit, I want to see everyone, but I don't want to be confined to the military setting for it, I want to see everyone as a person, we spent too much time together trapped in rank and file, as laid back as we might have been, it still wasn't as people, it was as soldiers, and no matter what anyone thinks or says or how they act, you are different when you put that uniform on. I dunno.
I am also bothered by the being stretched between two units thing that's going on, I'd rather be one or the other, and right now my full time job is in wisconsin, however, illinois still has control over whether I get promoted, and all that kind've stuff, so I have to make some attempt to stay in good graces.
I want to make music again, karaoke is all well and good to get some form of a performing fix, but it's still not as good as actually making music. Writing, recording, the whole thing.
Of course, I haven't been writing much lately either. Something else to work on. I've been having ideas about writing my book about iraq, but making it a fictionalized account of the true happenings, incorporating more of the "Skitz M. Jones Esq." character, as well as "Charlie Foxtrot" "Jesus from Popeyes" "Ganja Steve" and others. If anyone else from the unit, or even from home who still bother's to read this blog wouldn't mind having a characaturized version of themselves put into the book, or has any ideas for stories to be put in, please let me know, and of course you'll receive credit for any contributions. I think maybe going for a "gonzo" style of writing, like Hunter S. Thompson style might help my inability to really write everything I want to put out there. Yeah.
In other news, I'm growing accustomed to my new military hotel room, which, granted is many steps above "Tent Shitty", and even the trailer, but still, I think I was spoiled by the Super8. My biggest problem- tiny tiny shower. (hear that Zoe, you come up here, we're gonna need to get you a hotel room, because you'd hate this, hell, I hate this!) it's a 3x3x7 box with a curtain that no matter what just wants to sweep into the shower space and cuddle with me, and there's no room to move in there. Not to mention, that while my room itself is mine, I still have to share the bathroom, which is a toilet jail style in a wide open room, and the box of doom (shower) with the person in the next room. Ah well.
I guess that's really about it for now. Everyone happy? Finally an update with stuff in it!
alright, that's all for tonight...
piece.
A.