I dont want to try anymore
well I can probably say its been awhile since Ive been on here, and honestly I dont care if anyone reads my shit or anything...it just helps to vent! Well Kenny and I arent together, and although its for the best, Ive never had to deal with a break up, and I can tell you its the hardest thing ever! We kept talking, but then we both talked about other people and it just hurts so much...like I can understant why Kenny could be pissed at me cause another guy and I kissed 2 days after we broke up, and I admit it was soon! but now I listen to him talking about this other girl Becky, and I know we arent together anymore, but it still feels like hes mine, and Im his...but we arent. And hearing about this girl, and knowing they kiss and shit, its so fucking hard, and to be totally honest, I hate her! And I know how I look at this whole thing is not fair to kenny because I hang out with other guys now and all, its just so hard, and I have never had to deal with this before, especially after being together for a year and a half! DAMN...well and then Kenny and I talked about something totally personal together, and agreed that we would just keep it between us, and then he talked to my best friend about it, to see if I was telling the truth to him. That pissed me off, so I came into Safeway today to see Cassy, and to see kenny as well, and as awkward as it was, we fought the whole time, I was so pissed at him for talking to Cassy about that personal thing he and I talked about, and yet he thought it was alright because he couldnt trust me....whatever.
On another note, the guy that I did kiss, he and I somewhat liked eachother (or so I thought) But he used me the whole time...I just should have noticed it in the beginning...at this point I feel like total shit, like i dont even know how to explain why I feel this bad, I know I could have treated Kenny better through the whole process, and I do miss him like fuck, because no other guy has ever showed they care as much as he has! It just feels like I dont have anywhere to go anymore, I dont have Kenny anymore, the fucking guy I kissed only wanted down my pants, Evan thinks Im a dick cause he liked me, and he thought it was wrong of me to kiss this other guy, and its like no matter what I do, something comes to bite me in the ass, and its like I almost want to quit everything, I want to quit trying to live my life, I lost my love, some guy tries to use me a week after I get out of my relationship, and another guy is calling me a dick and shit. Ive lost my appetite, Ive cried almost everyday, and my head hurts often, I dont enjoy enything I do anymore. I really wonder how it would come out if I got tested for depression...I just feel like I dont have anywhere to go, and even though some people say "O im always here for you!" its nice to hear, but for some reason, it doesnt really help, and I dont know how to explain it. People will try to help me, but it never works. And then I dont even know why I feel depressed so much! Im never motivated for anything, my grades are going down, and I feel like my life is this huge shit hole. And its not just all because of the guys, and not having Kenny anymore (which is so flipping hard), but all I do at school is sit on my computer, go to class and sleep. Theres nothing I can do, I dont have a car, and everyone is either in West Linn or doing their own thing...the school rules dont allow you to do anything else either. And then my room-mate and i are really cool and all, but I cant even trust her with some of the most important things. And you know whats funny, I felt like all of this when kenny and I where together, I felt depressed, and I never wanted to do anything, I felt like shit all the time, and was never motivated for anything. SO I also felt that breaking up would maybe help me to get back up if it had anything to do with how I felt, (not that we had a bad relationship at all, im just saying that maybe being tied down and not being able to go out and do my own thing could have been a part of why I felt the way I did) but honestly, its not. if anything I feel so much worse because I dont have that extra support I had before. However if I had the chance to get back together, I would probably turn it down just because I dont want to hurt Kenny any more, and I dont want to bring him down, and maybe I just need the time to help me get over it.
I just feel like taking a car and driving somewhere Ive never been before, get lost and find myself. I feel like I lost myself somewhere, and I dont know where to find it...as weird as it may seem, I just cant be happy, and I feel like I have no where to go, even at home, I almost feel like I dont want to be here, and I feel like at school theres no one to go to. my friend Kayla is awesome and all, but she doesnt know how to make me feel better, all she talks about is how its going to be hard, and how its sometimes better to have that special someone else! And its like thanks:) like when people see me, they think Im this happy, cheerful person, but honestly im no where near happy, no where near it. Its like I dont want to be anywhere, I almost want some accident to happen to me so I can just be done with all this pain. and I hate talking to people about it because they just think im complaining and shit. And then they think there are people so much worse off than me (and there are!) but I have my own problems, and although I may not be as bad off as some others, my problems have only brought me down to the point where I dunno how much longer I can wait. I kind of just want to dissapear form everything, and everyone! I dont want to deal with people anymore, I dont want to deal with anything....and honestly, I dunno what to think about anything anymore....
On another note, the guy that I did kiss, he and I somewhat liked eachother (or so I thought) But he used me the whole time...I just should have noticed it in the beginning...at this point I feel like total shit, like i dont even know how to explain why I feel this bad, I know I could have treated Kenny better through the whole process, and I do miss him like fuck, because no other guy has ever showed they care as much as he has! It just feels like I dont have anywhere to go anymore, I dont have Kenny anymore, the fucking guy I kissed only wanted down my pants, Evan thinks Im a dick cause he liked me, and he thought it was wrong of me to kiss this other guy, and its like no matter what I do, something comes to bite me in the ass, and its like I almost want to quit everything, I want to quit trying to live my life, I lost my love, some guy tries to use me a week after I get out of my relationship, and another guy is calling me a dick and shit. Ive lost my appetite, Ive cried almost everyday, and my head hurts often, I dont enjoy enything I do anymore. I really wonder how it would come out if I got tested for depression...I just feel like I dont have anywhere to go, and even though some people say "O im always here for you!" its nice to hear, but for some reason, it doesnt really help, and I dont know how to explain it. People will try to help me, but it never works. And then I dont even know why I feel depressed so much! Im never motivated for anything, my grades are going down, and I feel like my life is this huge shit hole. And its not just all because of the guys, and not having Kenny anymore (which is so flipping hard), but all I do at school is sit on my computer, go to class and sleep. Theres nothing I can do, I dont have a car, and everyone is either in West Linn or doing their own thing...the school rules dont allow you to do anything else either. And then my room-mate and i are really cool and all, but I cant even trust her with some of the most important things. And you know whats funny, I felt like all of this when kenny and I where together, I felt depressed, and I never wanted to do anything, I felt like shit all the time, and was never motivated for anything. SO I also felt that breaking up would maybe help me to get back up if it had anything to do with how I felt, (not that we had a bad relationship at all, im just saying that maybe being tied down and not being able to go out and do my own thing could have been a part of why I felt the way I did) but honestly, its not. if anything I feel so much worse because I dont have that extra support I had before. However if I had the chance to get back together, I would probably turn it down just because I dont want to hurt Kenny any more, and I dont want to bring him down, and maybe I just need the time to help me get over it.
I just feel like taking a car and driving somewhere Ive never been before, get lost and find myself. I feel like I lost myself somewhere, and I dont know where to find it...as weird as it may seem, I just cant be happy, and I feel like I have no where to go, even at home, I almost feel like I dont want to be here, and I feel like at school theres no one to go to. my friend Kayla is awesome and all, but she doesnt know how to make me feel better, all she talks about is how its going to be hard, and how its sometimes better to have that special someone else! And its like thanks:) like when people see me, they think Im this happy, cheerful person, but honestly im no where near happy, no where near it. Its like I dont want to be anywhere, I almost want some accident to happen to me so I can just be done with all this pain. and I hate talking to people about it because they just think im complaining and shit. And then they think there are people so much worse off than me (and there are!) but I have my own problems, and although I may not be as bad off as some others, my problems have only brought me down to the point where I dunno how much longer I can wait. I kind of just want to dissapear form everything, and everyone! I dont want to deal with people anymore, I dont want to deal with anything....and honestly, I dunno what to think about anything anymore....