Why Most of You Haven't Talked to Me
I am slowly emerging to more social events. I would like to apologize to Sarah, Ang, Emily&Ed, Moe and Emily Gray for basically falling off the planet. I haven't felt like being around people much these days. Ash, Danie, Clint, Josh and Jairid Have been helping me take baby steps into emerging from my apartment into the world again trying to remember what it is like to be the "old Courtney" again. I can tell you that I haven't changed as much as I am not the same person . There were weeks there that I'd be dressed up and dolled up everyday because that was the only way I could get myself out of bed.
Daily, though I do struggle with thoughts of the "baby." If the fetus had lived , right now I 'd be starting to show, although I know that when June hits I might be emotional. As I am typying this it is the fist time I have fully acknowledged my thoughts about the miscarriage and Josh, but surprisingly there are no tears in this moment. I didn't think anything could have crushed my heart more than hearing a doctor tell you,
" You are infact pregnant, but the fetus is already dead, and there is nothing we can do, but wait until it happends."
Sure enough, hours later I started the horrible process of my body exposing of the fetus. I had no idea that a miscarriage was such a long process. Bleeding for a week, taking pills that taste of metallic and the ones you push all the way back to your throat so you are able to swallow them completly, for 2 weeks. Everytime you have to look down and see the blood you cry because that is what remains of your child.
I have finally stopped blaming myself for this because I know that its my body telling me now isn't the right time. A few weeks after I lost my child a letter came for me telling me the reason why the "fetus" didn't survive was because I am anemaic ( low blood iron).
Now that I have most the answers when it comes to this I am trying more than ever to live my life the way that I want, so when the time comes that I am supposed to have a family I can look at what I have done thus far and smile because I have tried to accomplish the things that I wnated to. I have found a wonderful guy who loves me and I would do anything for him. He has helped ground the dreamer and the crazyness which is me. He has really helped me become an adult, scarry I know. I mean with him we bought a new couch, and you know you are getting old when you are excited over furniture.
I am lucky to have him be able to support me in whatever I do. I quit my job at Blockbuster recently for a few reasons, but the main one being I wasn't taking the risks that I needed to. I have a job right now working counter, learning to Barista and hopefully very soon becoming a National Trainer for this company. It will be tight for me for a few months because being the newbie sucks, but Josh is helping me and I am so greatful for that. Every morning that I wake up next to him is amazing and I hope that he is in my future.