Tonight the Swan Slowly Emerges
My whole life I have always felt like the ugly girl, and from the time I was five until I was about 18 I had more guy friends than girlfriends. Let me tell you that does not help attract any males in more than a friendship way, especially when they look at you like your one of the guys and have to convince them that you are a girl. I used to say some awful things about myself and do more because I was convinced that if I was pretty , and thin someone would notice me. I would starve myself, throw up the contents in my stomach, eat nothing but cotton balls dumped into lemon juice and cut myself to deal with my negative voice. The last few years I have gotten a lot better at looking at myself. Its still hard for me to talk about myself, amd to look at myself in the mirror and see a pretty girl. Tonight the Ugly duckling that used to be Courtney is gone, and the swan will slowly start to emerge.
I had one of those ephiphany nights a few nights ago when fate delivered the push I needed to be a more confident person in the form of a 5'11, tan, tattoed, pierced, frat boy looking (usually I think frat boys are GROSS) Guy. I was down at the local pub with my friend Jamie, enjoying a frothy beverage when him and his cousins walked in. They approached us and were asking about the Bothell area, since they were up here on Vacation, and we sat and talked for awhile. Well He and I started having a deep conversation -its funny how sometimes being drunk can make you think about the important things in life.
Last call comes and they ask if Jamie and I want to go back to their hotel to kick it more. Now I must have had that "deer in the headlights look" I was caught a bit off guard by it, but something told me to go and chill with them. Jamie leaves and we head back to the hotel where we start kicking back a few more beers and chatting. He told me that " I was an awesome, down to earth girl ,and that I should never lose that."
I felt fastly comfortable with him and we talked for 3 hours about relationships, our pasts, beliefs ect. I don't tell alot of this stuff to people , especially right away. Not once did he take my eyes off me, and at first that made me really uncomfortable (if you know me you know I get nervous and don't know how to handle being stared at for long periods of time.) I mentioned how retarted I am with the opposite sex , and how usually I don't get when they like me because I am always like why would you see me that way??? He was like, "Courtney, seriously you couldn't tell I was attracted to you?"
I blurt out, "no why would you be?" He gives me this look and he was like ,"sweet heart, your a beautiful girl. Why are you so scared of your own sexuality? Trust me you have all the assests you need you just need to apply them more." That gave me something to thing about because generally speaking I always assume the guy will go for my friends because all my friends are fucking gorgeous! He continued... "take more of a chance, build up a tad more confidence and you can do so much more with all aspects of your life. You were born to stick out why do you think who you are naturally is unapeealing? You turn more heads than you know you do."
I was like omg he is so right.... the light bulb finally started to get a bit brighter. Then he looked me straight in the eyes and said , "I hope I don't offened you by asking you this, but I have wanted to kiss you all night, may I?" I sat there dumbfounded like what? , ok, sure." He went right in for the kiss and he pulled me closer, to where my face was all up in his face, and that kiss turned into a passionate, hard, desire, I want you kiss. I tried to come up several times for air but he wouldn't let me pull away, and at first that freaked me out, but I just relaxed , and went with it. It was that one kiss you will remember for the rest of your life, the one where the trains leaving and your still kissing on the platform kind of kiss. After we made out a bit I was like I need to leave because otherwise my two year ,second virginty will be gone,and I promised myself the next time I have sex it will be in a relationship. As I left he was like, "Courtney your a bomb ass girl, don't ever stop being you."
He made me feel desired, sexy, and I liked that feeling. I learned from him that its ok to be my dorky self, and that doesn't mean I am still the duck wadding in the pond watching her swan friends; that believe it, or not Courtney is a swan, and needs to see herself that way. As the uncoordinated swan she is she needs to glide to what she wants in life and take it. Not to be afraid of what others will say about her because she really is beautiful and deserves everything that the world brings to her.
I had one of those ephiphany nights a few nights ago when fate delivered the push I needed to be a more confident person in the form of a 5'11, tan, tattoed, pierced, frat boy looking (usually I think frat boys are GROSS) Guy. I was down at the local pub with my friend Jamie, enjoying a frothy beverage when him and his cousins walked in. They approached us and were asking about the Bothell area, since they were up here on Vacation, and we sat and talked for awhile. Well He and I started having a deep conversation -its funny how sometimes being drunk can make you think about the important things in life.
Last call comes and they ask if Jamie and I want to go back to their hotel to kick it more. Now I must have had that "deer in the headlights look" I was caught a bit off guard by it, but something told me to go and chill with them. Jamie leaves and we head back to the hotel where we start kicking back a few more beers and chatting. He told me that " I was an awesome, down to earth girl ,and that I should never lose that."
I felt fastly comfortable with him and we talked for 3 hours about relationships, our pasts, beliefs ect. I don't tell alot of this stuff to people , especially right away. Not once did he take my eyes off me, and at first that made me really uncomfortable (if you know me you know I get nervous and don't know how to handle being stared at for long periods of time.) I mentioned how retarted I am with the opposite sex , and how usually I don't get when they like me because I am always like why would you see me that way??? He was like, "Courtney, seriously you couldn't tell I was attracted to you?"
I blurt out, "no why would you be?" He gives me this look and he was like ,"sweet heart, your a beautiful girl. Why are you so scared of your own sexuality? Trust me you have all the assests you need you just need to apply them more." That gave me something to thing about because generally speaking I always assume the guy will go for my friends because all my friends are fucking gorgeous! He continued... "take more of a chance, build up a tad more confidence and you can do so much more with all aspects of your life. You were born to stick out why do you think who you are naturally is unapeealing? You turn more heads than you know you do."
I was like omg he is so right.... the light bulb finally started to get a bit brighter. Then he looked me straight in the eyes and said , "I hope I don't offened you by asking you this, but I have wanted to kiss you all night, may I?" I sat there dumbfounded like what? , ok, sure." He went right in for the kiss and he pulled me closer, to where my face was all up in his face, and that kiss turned into a passionate, hard, desire, I want you kiss. I tried to come up several times for air but he wouldn't let me pull away, and at first that freaked me out, but I just relaxed , and went with it. It was that one kiss you will remember for the rest of your life, the one where the trains leaving and your still kissing on the platform kind of kiss. After we made out a bit I was like I need to leave because otherwise my two year ,second virginty will be gone,and I promised myself the next time I have sex it will be in a relationship. As I left he was like, "Courtney your a bomb ass girl, don't ever stop being you."
He made me feel desired, sexy, and I liked that feeling. I learned from him that its ok to be my dorky self, and that doesn't mean I am still the duck wadding in the pond watching her swan friends; that believe it, or not Courtney is a swan, and needs to see herself that way. As the uncoordinated swan she is she needs to glide to what she wants in life and take it. Not to be afraid of what others will say about her because she really is beautiful and deserves everything that the world brings to her.