Shine on, you crazy diamond
Although I am struggling with it just a little bit, I am glad that I've opened up this new highway of Cosmology into my life. Mondays and Thursdays are exhausting because I spend an hour and a half (two hours, counting cramming on the 2 train) contemplating cosmic structure, objects that are too big and old and dense to comprehend and incidentally are the basis of our existence. But i am still nearly reduced to tears when i receive an 81% on my midterm. My problems are still relevant, i guess, no matter how big the universe is, when it started or when it will terminate. It doesn't change the fact that I hate my hips. That's MY theory of relativity. i just thought about how weird it was that i have cosmology and drafting on Thursdays. I go from contemplating incomprehensibly large objects on a cosmic scale to rendering objects to 1/24th their actual size in two-dimensional planes. All the same, I think what I am learning is very valuable in that I can always think about the bigger picture when I encounter a problem. Just like my Dante, he was always looking at the stars. When I first studied evolution and the origin of life, my finding that our existence was both inevitable and incidental was relieving to me. I can't say why, exactly, but it took some pressure off of my shoulders.
I was always a firm believer in the importance of the duality between absurdity and order, even when i dated Mr. I'm-obsessed-with-Alan-Watts, and even way back in high school when i dated Mr. I'm-obsessed-with-my-car. I think about how an alien from one planet could look upon the human race and think that we are ridiculous looking, but an alien from another planet could examine the way we obtain food and breathe and see as an organized and efficient system. Or specifically to my profession, I must have an abstract mind to conceptualize and create beautiful sets along with a practical mind to draft and build these sets. The more I develop, the more I tend to lean towards the absurd way of life, perhaps because I do not want to be responsible for all of my failures, or if I fail in the future. Again, I can't say why. I guess it's easier to accept failure when the result does not really matter so much?
I've always had a problem speaking in front of people, especially about my ideas. My brain is freaking crazy, but even though I couldn't articulate some of what was going on up there to others, I could always understand it myself. Until recently, that is. I honestly believe I am slowly driving myself insane. I'm terrified that I'm losing my memory, and I can't have a freaking donut without spending the rest of my day utterly detesting the girl I am. I feel like I have a right to be bitter when a boy on the subway doesn't think that i am worth spending the rest of his life with and doesn't ask me to marry him right then and there. I wouldn't say yes, of course, but I still feel like it's justified somehow.
I don't believe in synchronicity too much, but I like to use that word in place of the word “coincidence,” which is odd, considering I'm more of a science-oriented girl than a metaphysical one in most cases. I had a bout of synchronicity (and yes, i've just decided that it comes in bouts) today: My roommate's friend just got engaged and they were e-mailing each other pictures of engagement rings. Erin spent a lot of time looking at engagement rings online, something i have admittedly done in the past. I won't even get into how I designed my wedding dress in the margins of Algebra II notes. Anyways, it got me thinking about weddings and the nature of the relationship of husband and wife and the meaning of the ceremony and the ring itself. When Mr. Obsessed-with-Alan-Watts and I were still dating, he told one of his friends that he loved me because he could propose to me with a ring out of a cracker jack box and I would still be happy and accept. This is not true. I told him that the engagement ring is not just there for the moment of proposal, but it's a symbol of the cycle of everlasting (a term I rarely use) love and the strength of that love. I do not need a ring that is going to cost a zillion dollars, but what does it say about our love if it is cheap or fake? That's why so much stock is put into the stupid ring. But i learned today that these elements, diamonds, gold, and silver, are the direct result of reactions in the core of supernovae explosion. It takes the death of a star to have a place so hot and so dense that it can produce them. Then, in the explosion, these elements are hurled through outer space, and when our planet was forming, they collided with it and that's why we have them here on earth. The rarity of supernovae (most stars just become red giants or white dwarfs and produce hydrogen and carbon and stuff like that) explains the rarity of these metals. That is why they are so precious.
I am not planning on getting married anytime soon. First of all, it requires having a boyfriend for quite some time. Yet I still contemplate these things as if they were relevant in my life. Ah, the curse of being a woman. Or is it just the curse of being Katie?
Kurt Vonnegut, i'm going to be reading your stuff a lot in the near future so you can eat more food in heaven.
I was always a firm believer in the importance of the duality between absurdity and order, even when i dated Mr. I'm-obsessed-with-Alan-Watts, and even way back in high school when i dated Mr. I'm-obsessed-with-my-car. I think about how an alien from one planet could look upon the human race and think that we are ridiculous looking, but an alien from another planet could examine the way we obtain food and breathe and see as an organized and efficient system. Or specifically to my profession, I must have an abstract mind to conceptualize and create beautiful sets along with a practical mind to draft and build these sets. The more I develop, the more I tend to lean towards the absurd way of life, perhaps because I do not want to be responsible for all of my failures, or if I fail in the future. Again, I can't say why. I guess it's easier to accept failure when the result does not really matter so much?
I've always had a problem speaking in front of people, especially about my ideas. My brain is freaking crazy, but even though I couldn't articulate some of what was going on up there to others, I could always understand it myself. Until recently, that is. I honestly believe I am slowly driving myself insane. I'm terrified that I'm losing my memory, and I can't have a freaking donut without spending the rest of my day utterly detesting the girl I am. I feel like I have a right to be bitter when a boy on the subway doesn't think that i am worth spending the rest of his life with and doesn't ask me to marry him right then and there. I wouldn't say yes, of course, but I still feel like it's justified somehow.
I don't believe in synchronicity too much, but I like to use that word in place of the word “coincidence,” which is odd, considering I'm more of a science-oriented girl than a metaphysical one in most cases. I had a bout of synchronicity (and yes, i've just decided that it comes in bouts) today: My roommate's friend just got engaged and they were e-mailing each other pictures of engagement rings. Erin spent a lot of time looking at engagement rings online, something i have admittedly done in the past. I won't even get into how I designed my wedding dress in the margins of Algebra II notes. Anyways, it got me thinking about weddings and the nature of the relationship of husband and wife and the meaning of the ceremony and the ring itself. When Mr. Obsessed-with-Alan-Watts and I were still dating, he told one of his friends that he loved me because he could propose to me with a ring out of a cracker jack box and I would still be happy and accept. This is not true. I told him that the engagement ring is not just there for the moment of proposal, but it's a symbol of the cycle of everlasting (a term I rarely use) love and the strength of that love. I do not need a ring that is going to cost a zillion dollars, but what does it say about our love if it is cheap or fake? That's why so much stock is put into the stupid ring. But i learned today that these elements, diamonds, gold, and silver, are the direct result of reactions in the core of supernovae explosion. It takes the death of a star to have a place so hot and so dense that it can produce them. Then, in the explosion, these elements are hurled through outer space, and when our planet was forming, they collided with it and that's why we have them here on earth. The rarity of supernovae (most stars just become red giants or white dwarfs and produce hydrogen and carbon and stuff like that) explains the rarity of these metals. That is why they are so precious.
I am not planning on getting married anytime soon. First of all, it requires having a boyfriend for quite some time. Yet I still contemplate these things as if they were relevant in my life. Ah, the curse of being a woman. Or is it just the curse of being Katie?
Kurt Vonnegut, i'm going to be reading your stuff a lot in the near future so you can eat more food in heaven.