A first crush...
Hmm... I feel really bad not having much content to post. And it's silly, because I think of three or four things during the day that I could post about, but then I just forget or don't feel like it later in the evening.
So... IDK.
I guess, kind of thinking about what this journal is for... well, a post about myself. Or... the more "secret" stuff about myself.
I don't have much of a hard time being open about who I am. If someone doesn't like me, then that's their business, right? Why should I fake being a person I'm not, just so that they'll like me more. The result wouldn't be a very genuine friendship.
But there are a few things that I'm not as upfront about. Mostly like, my sexuality. Partially because it seems like it's really not anyone's business, and partially because I really DO feel like it might change people's opinions about me. Like... for some reason I'm fine with strangers knowing that I'm attracted to women, but I'm more shy about coming out to my friends or family. That seems weird, but there you go. It's silly to be so shy about it... and yet.
It's not even like it's a new "thing" as these things go. I've known for a pretty long time. A lot of people might say that they've known since they were kids, but I'm not sure I recognized it as being "attraction" so much at that age. Though I was definitely more interested in female characters than male characters in the media I'd watch, that could be either attraction or simply identifying with them.
But in high school I had my first real crush on a girl. And it might be purely wishful thinking on my part, but I think that for a while at least it was mutual. I liked her a lot as a friend, even though we were really quite different from each other. But her family was very conservative in just about every regard, and she was as well. She was very religious and believed that homosexuality was immoral and awful. But at the same time, she said that she didn't see what was wrong with it, and had to "remind" herself that her church said it was bad.
She was a great friend for pretty much all of high school. We spent a lot of time together, hanging out or spending the nights at each other's houses. One night we were watching a movie, and I offered her a blanket, since the room where we were was kind of cold. She asked if we could just "cuddle" instead. We did, and I started thinking that it would be really nice if we could actually be together. She was a flirt with just about everyone, though, male and female. I guess she was just super-friendly, and maybe I mistook that for a mutual interest? But she'd do things like give us nicknames based on characters from shows we'd watch together... and she'd pick characters that were in relationships with each other. She also said a lot of stuff like "I hope my future husband is exactly like you." She even almost kissed me, once. She DID kiss me, just not on the lips. Though she also switched "best friends" pretty often. For a few years it was me, but then she'd switch over to being closest with another of our friends.
Her parents didn't like me much, since they thought I was a terrible influence. They even forbid me from hugging her for a while. And then she'd also say things like "man, I'd die if a girl stole my first kiss!" or "I wouldn't know how to act around a friend that wasn't straight." I never told her how I felt, which I'm glad of, honestly. We grew apart after high school.
I went to her wedding last year.
It's one of those things that I still kind of wonder about. I wonder how things would be different for either of us if I had made some kind of move on her, or if I'd ever told her how I felt about her. Maybe it was cowardly not to, maybe it would have turned into something. But I honestly can't say that I'm disappointed in myself for not having done so. I don't think that she would have changed her mind about her faith or gone against her family for me, so I don't see what would have come of it. I'm happy for her that she's married, and I hope she's not repressing some part of her that likes or liked women. I hope she's happy, because I do want the best for her.
So... IDK.
I guess, kind of thinking about what this journal is for... well, a post about myself. Or... the more "secret" stuff about myself.
I don't have much of a hard time being open about who I am. If someone doesn't like me, then that's their business, right? Why should I fake being a person I'm not, just so that they'll like me more. The result wouldn't be a very genuine friendship.
But there are a few things that I'm not as upfront about. Mostly like, my sexuality. Partially because it seems like it's really not anyone's business, and partially because I really DO feel like it might change people's opinions about me. Like... for some reason I'm fine with strangers knowing that I'm attracted to women, but I'm more shy about coming out to my friends or family. That seems weird, but there you go. It's silly to be so shy about it... and yet.
It's not even like it's a new "thing" as these things go. I've known for a pretty long time. A lot of people might say that they've known since they were kids, but I'm not sure I recognized it as being "attraction" so much at that age. Though I was definitely more interested in female characters than male characters in the media I'd watch, that could be either attraction or simply identifying with them.
But in high school I had my first real crush on a girl. And it might be purely wishful thinking on my part, but I think that for a while at least it was mutual. I liked her a lot as a friend, even though we were really quite different from each other. But her family was very conservative in just about every regard, and she was as well. She was very religious and believed that homosexuality was immoral and awful. But at the same time, she said that she didn't see what was wrong with it, and had to "remind" herself that her church said it was bad.
She was a great friend for pretty much all of high school. We spent a lot of time together, hanging out or spending the nights at each other's houses. One night we were watching a movie, and I offered her a blanket, since the room where we were was kind of cold. She asked if we could just "cuddle" instead. We did, and I started thinking that it would be really nice if we could actually be together. She was a flirt with just about everyone, though, male and female. I guess she was just super-friendly, and maybe I mistook that for a mutual interest? But she'd do things like give us nicknames based on characters from shows we'd watch together... and she'd pick characters that were in relationships with each other. She also said a lot of stuff like "I hope my future husband is exactly like you." She even almost kissed me, once. She DID kiss me, just not on the lips. Though she also switched "best friends" pretty often. For a few years it was me, but then she'd switch over to being closest with another of our friends.
Her parents didn't like me much, since they thought I was a terrible influence. They even forbid me from hugging her for a while. And then she'd also say things like "man, I'd die if a girl stole my first kiss!" or "I wouldn't know how to act around a friend that wasn't straight." I never told her how I felt, which I'm glad of, honestly. We grew apart after high school.
I went to her wedding last year.
It's one of those things that I still kind of wonder about. I wonder how things would be different for either of us if I had made some kind of move on her, or if I'd ever told her how I felt about her. Maybe it was cowardly not to, maybe it would have turned into something. But I honestly can't say that I'm disappointed in myself for not having done so. I don't think that she would have changed her mind about her faith or gone against her family for me, so I don't see what would have come of it. I'm happy for her that she's married, and I hope she's not repressing some part of her that likes or liked women. I hope she's happy, because I do want the best for her.