4am dreammares.
Dreamt Xf and I were on the beach which had was teeming with people. We were on this double floored crane structure which was perched on the highest plateau away from the shore. I was happily wedged somewhere in the middle between a bunch of people, lying in an awkward but comfortable place.
The beach was buzzing with activity. There were people walking all about the structure, and at some point, I saw H walk by. I waved to him.
The sky suddenly turned dark and the tide changed. Waves came up near our feet. At a near distance, we could see the 5 planets upclose, all perfectly aligned.
Without warning, the crane moved off with me still resting in it. Xf started running up, trying to help me out but he couldn't make it in time. It sped off and next thing I know we're far away. I looked out trying to see how I could get off and saw H running along side, with some grey surfboard shaped board in his hand.
Before I knew what was happening, I was in a crappy cardboardesque wedding dress and on my way to get married. I don't know who I was getting married to - just knew it was a nominee of sorts. A sham. I stood at the doorway to a rectangle pavilion that faced all my guests who were seated in huge round tables, waiting. I was scared, and was weighed down by an overwhelming sense of heavy, clouded reluctance and resignation.
Then I got a text from V about hokkien mee.
Before he could reply, I turned from the door and ran off, back onto the moving crane. I could see H still jogging in pace along side with the surf board in hand. I had started crying by then and didn't bother about how him or that I didn't know where XF was or even have a clue where the crane was going. I just wanted to get out.
It eventually stopped me at a very dilapidated two storey long rectangle house which had half the first floor opened in a way that gave the house the impression like it was on stilts. Kinda like a trolley push cart, without the wheels
I crawled into a nook leading up to a stairs at that open space where I hid and cried my heart out.
I knew I had to decide whether or not to go back to get married. So I replied V to ask if I should. He ignored my question but replied on the hokkien mee.
As a greater sense of despair sunk into me, I remembered H and texted him. "Call me", I deplored. He returned my call instantly and came running over.
When he arrived, he was all jokes and laughter as always. And he didnt look like him. The moment I saw him, I crumbled onto the stairs and I sobbed about what I just did. That I didn't know who I was marrying or why, that it was only at the wedding when I noticed how nonchalant I was to all wedding related decisions. I hadn't even prepared a speech about my husband to-be prior to stepping out of the pavilion because I simply didn't have anything to say about him.
After much deliberation, I confessed that I had set this date with N whom I loved and knew I could work out a future with. He was good to me, I felt safe with him...I could be myself and know that he loved me no matter what. But he left suddenly without a word, and cut me off from his life completely. Knowing that I would never find someone who would love me the way N did, I now settled with marrying this figure of a man whom I didn't care for. I wanted to escape but knew that had I called off this wedding, it would be the second time and my relatives would despise me for it. The confession left me deflated, yet relieved at the same time. I felt like a garden after a rain in spring.
H clasped his hands over mine. He looked down at our hands and we sat in silence like that for a while. I wasn't scared, confused or worried. The moment simply felt surreal. Finally, he lifted his head and looked me in the eye. He admitted that he was taken aback by the news that I was getting married. He was visibly disappointed and withdrawn. After a long pause, he said that he thought I should call off this wedding too, not just for myself but for selfish reasons as well.
He then invited me to go for a walk and we wandered into an open space which looked like where the old national library used to be. We traded stories about the library, commiserated over the restrictions of the Reference Area and laughed about the general vibe of the place. I felt happy and relaxed in a way I haven't been in a long time.
We took a slow walk back to the pavillion where my family were. My family were still seated there. They seemed nonplussed about my disappearance. Suddenly, all at once, they turned towards the doorway where I had earlier stood. Right there was my cousin, Renee, standing in a similarly crappy cardboardesque lace wedding dress, a dark cloud of apprehension over her head.
Then I woke up.
---
The dream was probably a conflation of the random articles I read and the events and thoughts of the day that I had yet to process. Fascinating how everything came together.
I've been waking up regularly every night around at 3/4am for the past few weeks now. I've been dreaming regularly too. My heart seems to be unsettled and I don't know why. I wish I could know why so I would stop binge eating these feelings away.
The beach was buzzing with activity. There were people walking all about the structure, and at some point, I saw H walk by. I waved to him.
The sky suddenly turned dark and the tide changed. Waves came up near our feet. At a near distance, we could see the 5 planets upclose, all perfectly aligned.
Without warning, the crane moved off with me still resting in it. Xf started running up, trying to help me out but he couldn't make it in time. It sped off and next thing I know we're far away. I looked out trying to see how I could get off and saw H running along side, with some grey surfboard shaped board in his hand.
Before I knew what was happening, I was in a crappy cardboardesque wedding dress and on my way to get married. I don't know who I was getting married to - just knew it was a nominee of sorts. A sham. I stood at the doorway to a rectangle pavilion that faced all my guests who were seated in huge round tables, waiting. I was scared, and was weighed down by an overwhelming sense of heavy, clouded reluctance and resignation.
Then I got a text from V about hokkien mee.
Before he could reply, I turned from the door and ran off, back onto the moving crane. I could see H still jogging in pace along side with the surf board in hand. I had started crying by then and didn't bother about how him or that I didn't know where XF was or even have a clue where the crane was going. I just wanted to get out.
It eventually stopped me at a very dilapidated two storey long rectangle house which had half the first floor opened in a way that gave the house the impression like it was on stilts. Kinda like a trolley push cart, without the wheels
I crawled into a nook leading up to a stairs at that open space where I hid and cried my heart out.
I knew I had to decide whether or not to go back to get married. So I replied V to ask if I should. He ignored my question but replied on the hokkien mee.
As a greater sense of despair sunk into me, I remembered H and texted him. "Call me", I deplored. He returned my call instantly and came running over.
When he arrived, he was all jokes and laughter as always. And he didnt look like him. The moment I saw him, I crumbled onto the stairs and I sobbed about what I just did. That I didn't know who I was marrying or why, that it was only at the wedding when I noticed how nonchalant I was to all wedding related decisions. I hadn't even prepared a speech about my husband to-be prior to stepping out of the pavilion because I simply didn't have anything to say about him.
After much deliberation, I confessed that I had set this date with N whom I loved and knew I could work out a future with. He was good to me, I felt safe with him...I could be myself and know that he loved me no matter what. But he left suddenly without a word, and cut me off from his life completely. Knowing that I would never find someone who would love me the way N did, I now settled with marrying this figure of a man whom I didn't care for. I wanted to escape but knew that had I called off this wedding, it would be the second time and my relatives would despise me for it. The confession left me deflated, yet relieved at the same time. I felt like a garden after a rain in spring.
H clasped his hands over mine. He looked down at our hands and we sat in silence like that for a while. I wasn't scared, confused or worried. The moment simply felt surreal. Finally, he lifted his head and looked me in the eye. He admitted that he was taken aback by the news that I was getting married. He was visibly disappointed and withdrawn. After a long pause, he said that he thought I should call off this wedding too, not just for myself but for selfish reasons as well.
He then invited me to go for a walk and we wandered into an open space which looked like where the old national library used to be. We traded stories about the library, commiserated over the restrictions of the Reference Area and laughed about the general vibe of the place. I felt happy and relaxed in a way I haven't been in a long time.
We took a slow walk back to the pavillion where my family were. My family were still seated there. They seemed nonplussed about my disappearance. Suddenly, all at once, they turned towards the doorway where I had earlier stood. Right there was my cousin, Renee, standing in a similarly crappy cardboardesque lace wedding dress, a dark cloud of apprehension over her head.
Then I woke up.
---
The dream was probably a conflation of the random articles I read and the events and thoughts of the day that I had yet to process. Fascinating how everything came together.
I've been waking up regularly every night around at 3/4am for the past few weeks now. I've been dreaming regularly too. My heart seems to be unsettled and I don't know why. I wish I could know why so I would stop binge eating these feelings away.