(no subject)
Im not going to lie, I still miss Jessica very much even after six months.
I guess I really must be crazy because after a journey through an IOP program, a few nights in the suicide ward, medication, therapy, and alot of soul searching, I still miss her.
I had a pretty bad night a few nights ago and I scared a bunch of people. I feel really bad for that. I am real sorry.
I haven't left the apartment for anything but food or work in almost a week. No Highland. No friends besides the ones that actually come to me.
i miss her so much. i really loved her, i just fucked up. got comfortable.
i know she may have wanted this guy for a while when she was with me. it's either one of the three guys she used to date and talked about a lot. The dude she was going to get engaged to. the popular guy from her high school that she always talked about longingly. i know we never talked about it because when she left, she didnt want to work things out. from what ive seen my whole life, women don't leave unless they have somewhere else to go.
Not her fault. Mine.
She loved me one, or so I thought. If I was a better man, we might be engaged or married right now. If I was a better man, all those happy days we had (and we had many, even though now it doesn't look like it) would have been more constant.
I guess I am crazy.
I saw a pic of her now and she looks more beautiful then she ever did before, and she was one of the cutest, sexiest girls I have ever been with. I don't want to go out, but I don't want to stay here. I don't want to be in this city anymore but I don't want to leave. Some days I just want to shut off, but if I keep that up, I'dd just end up in the hospital again.
I'm trying. I really am.
We were together for three years and I was replaced in a matter of days, if even that. I don't see a reason to do most anything anymore. I don't ever see myself having a future nearly as good as my past was. I don't think I'm good enough for that.
She is rising like a rocket. I'm just exploding.
I know she never misses me. I know I'm just something in her past now. I wish I felt the same way sometimes.
Right now I just want to go to sleep but I've taken so many sleeping pills over the last six months that they don't work for me anymore.
I wish I could just spend one more weekend with her. I remember those. Waking up next to her, sometimes planning our day, most times just playing it by ear.
I used to feel like the pieces of my life were coming together. Now I don't think there is much of a life waiting for me.
I put on my gameface around my friends.
Fuck, even after sarah, six months later I was screwing random chicks and at least trying to start something new. After this past month, I've given up on talking to women. I'm not ready. I'm broken, and the chances that they would be as caring, responsible, trustworthy, smart, funny, sexy, and adorable as her.
I'm not going to settle and lie to myself that I am in love when I'm not. When I say I'm in love, I mean love L-U-V.
I don't even know why I don't just delete this fucking thing. One of these days I need to just come home from work, his that delete button, and flush this shit down the tubes.
I really wish I could understand this. It really looks like I was left for another. It really looks like my mistakes caused her to fall out of love with me and feel trapped with me.
I wish we could have talked.
I wish I didn't continue to fuck up after she left so we could at least maybe have a friendship in the future. She hates me. She thinks I'm pathetic. Nothing will change that now. If I ever do see her again it will be in the future and she will just turn around and walk away.
Maybe I just dreamed those three years.
It really is like Richard Matheson wrote in What Dreams May Come
"Hell is your life gone wrong."
In the suicide ward they always try to scare you with this christian notion of hell. Heaven and hell are here on earth. I am in hell. I got a taste of how heaven could be, but I wasnt man enough for it.
I guess I really must be crazy because after a journey through an IOP program, a few nights in the suicide ward, medication, therapy, and alot of soul searching, I still miss her.
I had a pretty bad night a few nights ago and I scared a bunch of people. I feel really bad for that. I am real sorry.
I haven't left the apartment for anything but food or work in almost a week. No Highland. No friends besides the ones that actually come to me.
i miss her so much. i really loved her, i just fucked up. got comfortable.
i know she may have wanted this guy for a while when she was with me. it's either one of the three guys she used to date and talked about a lot. The dude she was going to get engaged to. the popular guy from her high school that she always talked about longingly. i know we never talked about it because when she left, she didnt want to work things out. from what ive seen my whole life, women don't leave unless they have somewhere else to go.
Not her fault. Mine.
She loved me one, or so I thought. If I was a better man, we might be engaged or married right now. If I was a better man, all those happy days we had (and we had many, even though now it doesn't look like it) would have been more constant.
I guess I am crazy.
I saw a pic of her now and she looks more beautiful then she ever did before, and she was one of the cutest, sexiest girls I have ever been with. I don't want to go out, but I don't want to stay here. I don't want to be in this city anymore but I don't want to leave. Some days I just want to shut off, but if I keep that up, I'dd just end up in the hospital again.
I'm trying. I really am.
We were together for three years and I was replaced in a matter of days, if even that. I don't see a reason to do most anything anymore. I don't ever see myself having a future nearly as good as my past was. I don't think I'm good enough for that.
She is rising like a rocket. I'm just exploding.
I know she never misses me. I know I'm just something in her past now. I wish I felt the same way sometimes.
Right now I just want to go to sleep but I've taken so many sleeping pills over the last six months that they don't work for me anymore.
I wish I could just spend one more weekend with her. I remember those. Waking up next to her, sometimes planning our day, most times just playing it by ear.
I used to feel like the pieces of my life were coming together. Now I don't think there is much of a life waiting for me.
I put on my gameface around my friends.
Fuck, even after sarah, six months later I was screwing random chicks and at least trying to start something new. After this past month, I've given up on talking to women. I'm not ready. I'm broken, and the chances that they would be as caring, responsible, trustworthy, smart, funny, sexy, and adorable as her.
I'm not going to settle and lie to myself that I am in love when I'm not. When I say I'm in love, I mean love L-U-V.
I don't even know why I don't just delete this fucking thing. One of these days I need to just come home from work, his that delete button, and flush this shit down the tubes.
I really wish I could understand this. It really looks like I was left for another. It really looks like my mistakes caused her to fall out of love with me and feel trapped with me.
I wish we could have talked.
I wish I didn't continue to fuck up after she left so we could at least maybe have a friendship in the future. She hates me. She thinks I'm pathetic. Nothing will change that now. If I ever do see her again it will be in the future and she will just turn around and walk away.
Maybe I just dreamed those three years.
It really is like Richard Matheson wrote in What Dreams May Come
"Hell is your life gone wrong."
In the suicide ward they always try to scare you with this christian notion of hell. Heaven and hell are here on earth. I am in hell. I got a taste of how heaven could be, but I wasnt man enough for it.