(no subject)
I've done all I can do to lie to myself that things are going to get better soon.
No matter what she said to me when she left, actions speak louder then words. Fact is, she's with someone. Someone from her past. This person could have been in the shadows for a long time and the important thing is that she was more then likely out of love with me for a long long time. It's a good chance that all the nice, caring, loving things she did were just actions to try and still the water. She was talking to this guy as soon as I was gone. I wasn't missed. The first weekend she was single, she went to the place we had out first date and took pictures with her friend.
I miss her. She doesn't miss me.
Honestly, I feel like garbage for everything I have done and everything I am causing myself to miss out on because I am a fool and I fucked up and continue to fuck up.
Be it acting like a manslut to every half attractive woman that shows me attention as I have in the past four months to try and make myself feel better.
Be it drinking myself to sleep or eating a few sleeping pills just so I can shut off for while.
Be it doing nothing but playing a record and sitting around, thinking.
I found someone as well, but it will end up just a good friendship because I am a dumbass. I fucked up a great chance at something rare in life, and now that I've made this bed, I am making myself lie in it and push people away.
What will it get me?
I'm mourning a ghost. Someone who isn't there anymore. Do I actually think she misses me if she could start something new so soon? Do I really think she loved me for those past few months? She was looking for a way out and I'm willing to bet that this guy was the one waiting to catch her just as I had been.
My friend said his therapist said that no one leaves as sudden as that unless they have someone to run to.
I feel like I must have died a year or so ago and I'm really in some self made hell.
It wasn't but a few days before she left me that things seemed fine. I was blind. Inside she was planning her escape and there was someone to rescue her.
Me, nothing is easy in that area. I'm starting to think that I wasn't supposed to find something like what I have pictured in my head. I thought I had it and maybe I did, but I was selfish, stupid, childish, and destructive. Now she sees me as a sick puppy with a broken mind.
I went from being what she called her greatest lover to some freak she never wants to see again and hates so much as to say she never wants to speak to me again.
And Erica...
She is already starting to see the true person I am and honestly, shes a relly intense person with a lot of drive. I would be an anchor.
I don't want to give up hope, but do I really deserve what I want out of romance and is that what she wants or might want?
I was forgotten like nothing and my mistakes are great and terrible.
She had someone as soon as i was out of sight and just as quickly out of mind.
what value have i given myself
No matter what she said to me when she left, actions speak louder then words. Fact is, she's with someone. Someone from her past. This person could have been in the shadows for a long time and the important thing is that she was more then likely out of love with me for a long long time. It's a good chance that all the nice, caring, loving things she did were just actions to try and still the water. She was talking to this guy as soon as I was gone. I wasn't missed. The first weekend she was single, she went to the place we had out first date and took pictures with her friend.
I miss her. She doesn't miss me.
Honestly, I feel like garbage for everything I have done and everything I am causing myself to miss out on because I am a fool and I fucked up and continue to fuck up.
Be it acting like a manslut to every half attractive woman that shows me attention as I have in the past four months to try and make myself feel better.
Be it drinking myself to sleep or eating a few sleeping pills just so I can shut off for while.
Be it doing nothing but playing a record and sitting around, thinking.
I found someone as well, but it will end up just a good friendship because I am a dumbass. I fucked up a great chance at something rare in life, and now that I've made this bed, I am making myself lie in it and push people away.
What will it get me?
I'm mourning a ghost. Someone who isn't there anymore. Do I actually think she misses me if she could start something new so soon? Do I really think she loved me for those past few months? She was looking for a way out and I'm willing to bet that this guy was the one waiting to catch her just as I had been.
My friend said his therapist said that no one leaves as sudden as that unless they have someone to run to.
I feel like I must have died a year or so ago and I'm really in some self made hell.
It wasn't but a few days before she left me that things seemed fine. I was blind. Inside she was planning her escape and there was someone to rescue her.
Me, nothing is easy in that area. I'm starting to think that I wasn't supposed to find something like what I have pictured in my head. I thought I had it and maybe I did, but I was selfish, stupid, childish, and destructive. Now she sees me as a sick puppy with a broken mind.
I went from being what she called her greatest lover to some freak she never wants to see again and hates so much as to say she never wants to speak to me again.
And Erica...
She is already starting to see the true person I am and honestly, shes a relly intense person with a lot of drive. I would be an anchor.
I don't want to give up hope, but do I really deserve what I want out of romance and is that what she wants or might want?
I was forgotten like nothing and my mistakes are great and terrible.
She had someone as soon as i was out of sight and just as quickly out of mind.
what value have i given myself