(no subject)
Happiness is only real when shared.
I rented Into The Wild on my iPood. Watched it maybe three times in a row.
It was kind of like a real life Walden. One of my favorite books.
I've only been in love twice in my life. The first time when I was 17 though 19. Between Sarah and Jessica, every girl was just a casual thing. Something to try and help me get over Sarah. None of them lived up to her standards of intelligence, sexiness, and spark. Then I met Jessica and it just seemed to happen out of the blue like magic. It set new definitions. She was everything I could ever want. It wasn't just her mind and inner strengths and it wasn't just her body and beauty. It was both and something more. She took such good care of me and accepted me knowing the mistakes I made with Sarah. Mistakes I swore never to make again. Mistakes I made again on her in bigger ways.
It's over now. Some of my friends say I'm obsessed over this. Truth is she was as much on my mind when she loved me as she is now. It's only obsession till the love is over. There is a fine line between Love and Obsession.
I want to run to her. She her face to face. Look into her fairy face. Look into her wolf eyes. Tell her "What we had might be something very rare that either of us will never see again." Tell her "I'm so sorry, I made most of the mistakes and I would give anything to make them right." Tell her "Don't do this. Lets put our egos aside" and "All the good changes you have now in your life without me you can have with me. There were so many places she wanted me to take her and things she wanted to do with me that I would cut off an arm to be able to do now. It's not just the sex I miss and it's not just the time spent either. Both of those were great and both I doubt I'll ever experience nearly to the levels I did with her.
I had love twice in my life and I doubt I'll have it again as I once did.
There are so many things I'll miss. Making love during rain storms. Laying in our bedroom watching DVDs. Sharing books, music, and movies together. Going into the bathroom to sneak a peek at her showering. Hearing her laugh. making songs and musicals out of our days. Talking in our retard voices to one another. Cooking dinner for her. Ordering out and laying around. Walking down Bardstown road. Planning our living together and living together in general. Hearing her lightning fast typing. Her legs rocking back and forth while she slept. Her teeth griding while she slept. Her light snoring. Being able to walk into our bedroom, laying down next to her, and being able to roll over and fall asleep with her in my arms. Waking up in the weekend mornings with the light hitting her just right. Walking out to our cars in the early mornings before work and saying "I love you, be careful, see you when you get home." Walking around my neighborhood and looking at those beautiful homes and thinking about having one with her and living in some kind of self created dream world.
Happiness is only real when shared.
After Sarah left me for another man (which I don't harbor anger towards anymore), I came to Highland and wandered around Barstown to try and hide away from it all. Find my own little hole in the wall and hide away. Now after Jessica, I'm doing the same thing. I ask myself on an hourly basis, "Is this really my life now? How did it come to this?" I have made so many mistakes. Ones which I've repeated over and over again and admitted just as much. I always told her to tell me when she was unhappy, but I'm sure those mistakes drove her to shut down and close me off. Maybe she was comfortable and didn't want to leave and by the time she did, the hope to talk things through and work through them died. I would have done anything if I only knew how she felt. I don't want to loose my hope for our future. I don't want to think about her with someone else.
Every night I ask myself "Where is she? Is she with someone else?" I'm afraid of the answer. She has so much hostility towards me. I don't blame her for that. I wish she would see I've walked through fire and burned off all of my demons. My habits and fears have gone. My love for her is still here. I'm still here, only stronger and yet weaker at the same time. I could give her everything she ever wanted out of me. I know she said her friends hate me now, that may be true. I know she has written about dreaming about her ex's while sleeping. That may also be true. I don't see her being alone for long. She is like walking Lightning. It's hard not to see her beauty. When I met her she was with someone who treated her like an object. I hated seeing her being done like that and I never imagined that she would have wanted me. She did though, for a long time. I have a big chance at having her forever and living some movielike existence. I didn't treat her like an object, I treated her like a child sometimes and I was emotionally cut off. I built walls around myself and I thought she was on the right side of them. I was wrong. I did a lot of damage to us. Damage that I fear can't be fixed.
I just want to run to her. Fight for her. They say if you want something, reach out and grab it. It seems like getting her back is the one thing I can't grab. It look like love is the one thing truely out of my reach. If I thought it would do some good and not just more damage, I would run to her and try my damndest to get her back. I would walk through hell like Richard Matheson's What Dreams May Come to get her love back.
These words are something she may never see or believe or care about. I know that. They are true though. What we had doesn't happen every day.
What can I do? Allof this seems to be pushing my friends away. They hate seeing me like this and they hate hearing about it all the time. Some talk shit about her but don't know her or my mistakes at all, which pisses me off. Others just say I should get over it like it's as easy as throwing away old shoes. It's not. Sometimes I have moments of weakness where I see that it's best to just give up. I can't do that for several reasons. I like to think of this as a trial.
When you forgive, you love and when you love, god's light shines apon you.
I'm not much for religion, but I do believe in a higher power.
I would do anything for her forgiveness.
I pray every night. God bless my family and friends. God bless Jessica. Please make this right. Please make something good happen to me.
So far the best thing to happen to me over the past two months has been my friend David making me a media disc with a bunch of albums on it.
Will she ever see me as more then just the stoner shut in that was afraid of the world and whom hated himself? Will she ever see the changes I've gone through and the work I've done? Will I ever get a third chance at love?
Please...
(x-posted on myspace)
I rented Into The Wild on my iPood. Watched it maybe three times in a row.
It was kind of like a real life Walden. One of my favorite books.
I've only been in love twice in my life. The first time when I was 17 though 19. Between Sarah and Jessica, every girl was just a casual thing. Something to try and help me get over Sarah. None of them lived up to her standards of intelligence, sexiness, and spark. Then I met Jessica and it just seemed to happen out of the blue like magic. It set new definitions. She was everything I could ever want. It wasn't just her mind and inner strengths and it wasn't just her body and beauty. It was both and something more. She took such good care of me and accepted me knowing the mistakes I made with Sarah. Mistakes I swore never to make again. Mistakes I made again on her in bigger ways.
It's over now. Some of my friends say I'm obsessed over this. Truth is she was as much on my mind when she loved me as she is now. It's only obsession till the love is over. There is a fine line between Love and Obsession.
I want to run to her. She her face to face. Look into her fairy face. Look into her wolf eyes. Tell her "What we had might be something very rare that either of us will never see again." Tell her "I'm so sorry, I made most of the mistakes and I would give anything to make them right." Tell her "Don't do this. Lets put our egos aside" and "All the good changes you have now in your life without me you can have with me. There were so many places she wanted me to take her and things she wanted to do with me that I would cut off an arm to be able to do now. It's not just the sex I miss and it's not just the time spent either. Both of those were great and both I doubt I'll ever experience nearly to the levels I did with her.
I had love twice in my life and I doubt I'll have it again as I once did.
There are so many things I'll miss. Making love during rain storms. Laying in our bedroom watching DVDs. Sharing books, music, and movies together. Going into the bathroom to sneak a peek at her showering. Hearing her laugh. making songs and musicals out of our days. Talking in our retard voices to one another. Cooking dinner for her. Ordering out and laying around. Walking down Bardstown road. Planning our living together and living together in general. Hearing her lightning fast typing. Her legs rocking back and forth while she slept. Her teeth griding while she slept. Her light snoring. Being able to walk into our bedroom, laying down next to her, and being able to roll over and fall asleep with her in my arms. Waking up in the weekend mornings with the light hitting her just right. Walking out to our cars in the early mornings before work and saying "I love you, be careful, see you when you get home." Walking around my neighborhood and looking at those beautiful homes and thinking about having one with her and living in some kind of self created dream world.
Happiness is only real when shared.
After Sarah left me for another man (which I don't harbor anger towards anymore), I came to Highland and wandered around Barstown to try and hide away from it all. Find my own little hole in the wall and hide away. Now after Jessica, I'm doing the same thing. I ask myself on an hourly basis, "Is this really my life now? How did it come to this?" I have made so many mistakes. Ones which I've repeated over and over again and admitted just as much. I always told her to tell me when she was unhappy, but I'm sure those mistakes drove her to shut down and close me off. Maybe she was comfortable and didn't want to leave and by the time she did, the hope to talk things through and work through them died. I would have done anything if I only knew how she felt. I don't want to loose my hope for our future. I don't want to think about her with someone else.
Every night I ask myself "Where is she? Is she with someone else?" I'm afraid of the answer. She has so much hostility towards me. I don't blame her for that. I wish she would see I've walked through fire and burned off all of my demons. My habits and fears have gone. My love for her is still here. I'm still here, only stronger and yet weaker at the same time. I could give her everything she ever wanted out of me. I know she said her friends hate me now, that may be true. I know she has written about dreaming about her ex's while sleeping. That may also be true. I don't see her being alone for long. She is like walking Lightning. It's hard not to see her beauty. When I met her she was with someone who treated her like an object. I hated seeing her being done like that and I never imagined that she would have wanted me. She did though, for a long time. I have a big chance at having her forever and living some movielike existence. I didn't treat her like an object, I treated her like a child sometimes and I was emotionally cut off. I built walls around myself and I thought she was on the right side of them. I was wrong. I did a lot of damage to us. Damage that I fear can't be fixed.
I just want to run to her. Fight for her. They say if you want something, reach out and grab it. It seems like getting her back is the one thing I can't grab. It look like love is the one thing truely out of my reach. If I thought it would do some good and not just more damage, I would run to her and try my damndest to get her back. I would walk through hell like Richard Matheson's What Dreams May Come to get her love back.
These words are something she may never see or believe or care about. I know that. They are true though. What we had doesn't happen every day.
What can I do? Allof this seems to be pushing my friends away. They hate seeing me like this and they hate hearing about it all the time. Some talk shit about her but don't know her or my mistakes at all, which pisses me off. Others just say I should get over it like it's as easy as throwing away old shoes. It's not. Sometimes I have moments of weakness where I see that it's best to just give up. I can't do that for several reasons. I like to think of this as a trial.
When you forgive, you love and when you love, god's light shines apon you.
I'm not much for religion, but I do believe in a higher power.
I would do anything for her forgiveness.
I pray every night. God bless my family and friends. God bless Jessica. Please make this right. Please make something good happen to me.
So far the best thing to happen to me over the past two months has been my friend David making me a media disc with a bunch of albums on it.
Will she ever see me as more then just the stoner shut in that was afraid of the world and whom hated himself? Will she ever see the changes I've gone through and the work I've done? Will I ever get a third chance at love?
Please...
(x-posted on myspace)