(no subject)
Its been almost two months now since my return to Florida. For the first few days being back home was so strange. The house felt so sterile. The water tasted so different. Everything that I was in this home and everything about the home itself felt new. The way I moved about the house and the things I interacted with was fresh. I could instantly see what needed changing and what felt wrong. There is only so much I can do though. For a long time now I've clung on to things and certain ways of life. I celebrated my 30th up north and thinking back on the past ten years has made me realize that I am a stagnant person. The things around me seem frozen in time. My actions are as a minute hand. That's all changed now.
I was expecting my escape to simply be that. A chance to leave everything in Florida behind for a short time. Maybe get some work done. Maybe relax. Neither happened. Instead my visit became a soul quest. The snow-coated landscape muted all things and left me to my thoughts which I wandered constantly. I didn't give up anything for Lent and didn't really think about it, but little did I know I was going through a Lenten journey. Certain fears were discovered and faced. Some were conquered and some I still struggle with today. I think I'm winning though. I realized that I had been depressed for a very long time. There were some serious highs and lows through the entire stay.
Sadly, I've lost my train of thought now. What really brings me to write tonight is a conversation my sisters and I had around a campfire. Peter and Jenny were in town so we celebrated at Alison and Joey's place. Alison started talking about a time when we were kids walking along a snowbank and she had sunk into it up to her shoulders. I couldn't pull her free so Grandma had to bring a shovel to help get her out. I don't exactly recall that part but as the conversation continued more nostalgic memories were shared by both Stephanie and Alison. It was interesting to hear their perspective on our childhood. My memories of growing up in New England are what inspired me in many things and my many travels back, but every time I return it simply feels more and more like a cold and familiar land. I'm in love with the memories; not the place. I thought on our nostalgic talk and realized what a blessed childhood we had together. I realize now that those blessings continue to this day. How wonderful it is that I can sit around a campfire with my family and simply be together so regularly, and that the memories we talked about tonight are still being made.
I was expecting my escape to simply be that. A chance to leave everything in Florida behind for a short time. Maybe get some work done. Maybe relax. Neither happened. Instead my visit became a soul quest. The snow-coated landscape muted all things and left me to my thoughts which I wandered constantly. I didn't give up anything for Lent and didn't really think about it, but little did I know I was going through a Lenten journey. Certain fears were discovered and faced. Some were conquered and some I still struggle with today. I think I'm winning though. I realized that I had been depressed for a very long time. There were some serious highs and lows through the entire stay.
Sadly, I've lost my train of thought now. What really brings me to write tonight is a conversation my sisters and I had around a campfire. Peter and Jenny were in town so we celebrated at Alison and Joey's place. Alison started talking about a time when we were kids walking along a snowbank and she had sunk into it up to her shoulders. I couldn't pull her free so Grandma had to bring a shovel to help get her out. I don't exactly recall that part but as the conversation continued more nostalgic memories were shared by both Stephanie and Alison. It was interesting to hear their perspective on our childhood. My memories of growing up in New England are what inspired me in many things and my many travels back, but every time I return it simply feels more and more like a cold and familiar land. I'm in love with the memories; not the place. I thought on our nostalgic talk and realized what a blessed childhood we had together. I realize now that those blessings continue to this day. How wonderful it is that I can sit around a campfire with my family and simply be together so regularly, and that the memories we talked about tonight are still being made.