(no subject)
EDIT/DISCLAIMER: this entry is emo and sucks. its not what i think anymore. i stopped feeling sorry for myself after i wrote it.
i don't like the end of the year.
i also don't like myself a lot right now.
see, i didnt read it closely enough. didnt read the fucking email that would have changed all this would have saved would have gotten my head the hell out of this mess. and it is too late.
way way too late.
i wish that it wasnt i wish that none of this had ever happened i wish that i didnt end up this way.
that there was no addiction that held me tighter than anyone. that i didnt love it more than people because i know what it'll do to me and i don't want to be a statistic. or a liar. and chances are, i will end up as both.
i wish i had given away my cigarette case in stead of my heart, i hate mountains and molehills. but since i do have my cigarette case and i don't have my heart, the only thing that i can do is smoke. but smoke doesn't fill voids. people have tried for centuries to make it something it's not but it doesn't work, you cannot replace anything with it.
and i was thinking nothing like this will matter in years when i am not a teenager, when my memories that i can barely remember play tricks on me and make me wish they hadn't gone away.
all i'm really looking for is a saviour.
soon i will be home, instead of corny livejournal pretending.
i don't like the end of the year.
i also don't like myself a lot right now.
see, i didnt read it closely enough. didnt read the fucking email that would have changed all this would have saved would have gotten my head the hell out of this mess. and it is too late.
way way too late.
i wish that it wasnt i wish that none of this had ever happened i wish that i didnt end up this way.
that there was no addiction that held me tighter than anyone. that i didnt love it more than people because i know what it'll do to me and i don't want to be a statistic. or a liar. and chances are, i will end up as both.
i wish i had given away my cigarette case in stead of my heart, i hate mountains and molehills. but since i do have my cigarette case and i don't have my heart, the only thing that i can do is smoke. but smoke doesn't fill voids. people have tried for centuries to make it something it's not but it doesn't work, you cannot replace anything with it.
and i was thinking nothing like this will matter in years when i am not a teenager, when my memories that i can barely remember play tricks on me and make me wish they hadn't gone away.
all i'm really looking for is a saviour.
soon i will be home, instead of corny livejournal pretending.