feelings, scared, worthless, and worrying about my future?
i went to the avs game with mom and sister yesterday. had fun, except they lost.. ate at the market. was totally amazed that they both had never heard of the place. i used to go there when i was like 15 but the best was seeing my mom rocking out to rage against the machine at the game. i was laughing so hard and mom was all "what?" and i looked at my sister and said "i never thought i would see mom rocking out to rage" i used to get in trouble for playing them too loud when i was a teen. my sister, took a minute to get it but then told mom, because mom was all "I don't get it" she says....................."I remember one time you took his stereo away for two weeks because of this band, and to see you rocking out to them,, well I don't even know what to say!" i caught a t-shirt from chipolte and had fun at the game.. i went to pick up my new furniture on my way home. i paid thursday and was told "your stuff will be here after 12 pm on sat" well the warehouse guy tells me "we don't get any deliveries on sat, or sunday, so maybe you can get your stuff on monday if it shows up. my mother thinks i need to call JAKE JABBS and complain about how i was promised something and no delivery! i don't really care because i know sales people are full of shit, but mom says "jake jabbs doesn't run his buisness like that, and he'll want to know" i don't think my mother has ever met the guy but i guess she knows what he does and doesn't want. overall today has been horrible. i signed up on 2 "dating sites" because i seem to only meet the WRONG women. i've been talking to a girl lately, and things have been cool, i only have 2 big concerns, one i am like 6 years older than her, and 2 she lives in georgetown, that is in the mountains, we have been talking and well it's been nice, but unfortunately my ex is filling up my head. virtually everything keeps making me think about her. the worst is when my brother asked me "how r you and 'neil?" today, i nearly cried on the phone. so i am talking to this woman online and i almost started talking about my ex, every time i did i erased the message because i am sure me pining about an ex would be a bigger turn off than admitting i am scared to meet someone especially online.. I feel like i have no idea what i am doing. I am just being myself and not trying to have any "game" or angle, but i feel so strange and out of place. i am afraid she'll not like whatever i have to say, my last date was great but apparently afterwords i chased her off with text messages. it sucks because my friend sara set us up and i feel like i let her down. i realised that the texts were just trying to refresh my own memory of the evening, which seems to be my biggest problem these days, my memory is not working for short term things very well at all. I sent 15 texts over 3 days, but i guess it was too much, i don't really care other than trying to figure things out about myself. so i was explaining things to sara and she is all "i don't know i don't think she really wants anything more from ya!" but i was happy to explain " i don't care about her, it was one date, i am happier that it helped me learn things about myself" and sara thinks that is "great" but now i am back to my main problem.. trying to meet people, or specifically, the someone special I need in my life. I feel so awkward, and out of place, i have no problem meeting girls who want to "hook up" and have never had any complaints, but i seem to be way out of my element trying to meet someone for a serious thing. I thought, my last "relationship" would be my last, we were totally making plans and everything looked great untill one day with her p.o. I am soo messed up right now, i have not had a "serious" relationship with anyone who i didn't know from years ago. except for my ex wife, who i met, somehow i wasn't scared out of my mind and was able to get to know her. however she has been gone for almost, 4 years, and the only serious relationships (2) since than have all been less than 1 year in length. i am really struggling today because i want the whole "wife kids and home" but i don't seem to be meeting the right people,, hence signing up for the online dating site. i just have a few issues that i am trying to get worked out. seeing my therapist every week for the last 2 months, and finally got a 2 week interval. she has totally helped me see all the reasons why i am lucky to have gotten out of my last relationship even though i feel like i was forced out. but i am so tired of just seeing people and doing stuff, i definatly enjoy those situations, but i need a good woman to share my life, and also to help keep me on track. my friends are always telling me how smart, funny, and how i am a good looking guy who just needs to meet the right person, which is great but it feels kind of like your parents telling you things.. totally biased view point. i have an appointment tomorrow to try and see if i should be taking some kind of medication to make me feel better about myself, and i know i will take whatever advice they give me, but i am feeling like i am getting too old and maybe "missed my chance" to be happy, anyway.. lots of self analysis this week, and today. I know i will be ok, but i feel like time is slipping away and i am feeling very alone and unattractive.. i know there are great women out there, somewhere, who need/ want someone to be there with them, to be loyal, honest, caring and to make sure that anything that could hurt them has to go through someone else first. I know i would be close to the "ideal" husband, but i am having such a hard time getting there. I don't want to spend my life w the girl who "hooks up" the first time we meet, but i also need "something" to make sure there is even chemistry. so i guess i need dating lessons, or social skill classes, i am not really sure, but something needs to change, soon, or i am going to go even crazier.. and ramble on and so forth.. this is getting long.. i am going to bed, at least my cats love me always, or maybe just tolerate me cause i feed them.