life at the edge...continued
life at the edge
I finally think I drank my demon into submission lastnight. I as soo sick of being blind to myself. I have spent many nights walking home recently, ask seth vince or rick! the longest one was from evans and broadway! I get to this point where EVERYONE makes me so sick I can not be around them, and since I have not been driving I have to leave. Before when I would drive I think I felt some kind of responsibility to others to stay "sane" and thusly I never got so ......... far out there! but today I woke up at 7 am, got dressed and went to work, it was so damn slow and I was mostly still drunk. My mother (visiting) says "is this brown paper bag from the bottle?" and I said "yes" and she just shook her head! I told my boss I still had some christmas shopping to do and he sent me home. I was worse than worthless anyway. Last night seth and vince and I were fighting soo bad we actually got thrown out of one of V's friends places. THAT IS LIKE BEING ASKED TO LEAVE HELL BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO EVIL FOR THE DEVIL!!!! we argued in the car and went and got some food. I got out of the car at hampden and chambers and walked from there.
I got home ok, and well, vince and seth havent called me back yet... ug, I have really made a mess of things lately. I know why though now, and I can start to fix things... see me in a few months and you will not even recognise me!
I know that I was leaving because I was feeling worthless inside. I had to drink LOTS to find that place but it was the reason. I know that I was hurt by HER, maybe I should say I hurt myself over HER, because she did not really do anything to hurt me. SHE did not do everything right, but most of the things I was upset over were my fault, or my own misconception. EVEr since I crashed my car I have not been driving nights, and because of this, have been drinking LOTS MORE THAN I used to. One night we had a 450 dollar tab at the "maggot inn" that is a god damn lot of drinking, in a cheap bar. I have practically blown every cent I had saved in the last month, and helped some other people loose small fortunes also. I have one good friend out of the whole thing, and hopefully a few dates, but I also have learned a lesson. ok actually a few lessons, the biggest one, and least important, is to NEVER go out in 3's if you are looking for "someone" because they always come out in twos and one of the 3 of us will be "in the way" and upset. I have learned that A LOT of insecure dicks go out to the bar with their "friends" who are women, but who they secretly love. If one more overweight faggot tells me how I should leave his "friend" alone......... there is going to be a new page in the obituarys, cause I will have to KILL THEM ALL. (this is the only time it is good to have a group of 3, it usually takes 2 people to pull me off of these type of "faggots") I have actually been fighting alot, (since I never have before) and that is kinda scary also. I have A very bad thing in me, and I have been feeding it, with sorrow, and pain, and alcohol. he wants to make me evil, and he may win someday, but he will be leaving for a long time now. I am starting a new schedual on monday, more exercise, no drinking (to excess), and lots more music. my sister is moving out, so I will finally have the house to myself, the way I wanted it, but also, my parents contract has not been renewed, so they may be coming back here soon. that means I have to start packing.. I can move in with rick if I have to, and we could have a great time, but i dont want the drama that comes with him as a room mate. I love him, and I would really do almost anything for him, but when his ex and him are fighting about their daughter, I dont want to be there. I also am going to seriously start actively persuing my "single dating" life... even if I have to....well, I wont do that. lots of people have said "go to match.com" but I dont think I am ready for that just yet. I am finding myself missing/longing for children of my own more and more these days. I hate to say this, but they would be the motivation to keep me on track, to never slack. I also want to be the teacher and father I know I can be, and somehow it seems like the ONLY thing worth doing these days. My friends have purchased the bar, and will be opening up a new "music place" in Aurora, the light rail is hoping to be a big factor in how this will play out! they plan to have bands EVERY night they can! GOOD LUCK GUYS