I REALIZED SOMETHING TODAY
I had come on here to make a thanksgiving message for all to see, but I checked my mail first, and I found an entry from someone I met only yesterday, who is a friend of a friend. She shared some poetry with me, powerful things, familliar things, painful things. I started to think about how I would (probably did) write those kind of things, even last year. but how I dont live THERE anymore. I never wanted to live past 27, ever, I was going to go out in a blaze of glory on stage and everyone could put me in the "27 club" with Jimi, Janice, kurdt,Shannon, Brad, and all the others. well I REALLY WANTED THAT, for my whole "adult life" but this year, I was talking to Joe (I hope you are ok buddy) and we both have our birthdays a week apart, I was saying how "27 is like 3 months man, I have more shit to do than 3 months worth," but I was beginning to realize that I DID want to live, I had begun to "get happy" Christina had left, I had gotten off the drugs, and I was beginning to experience life, REALLY EXPERIENCE IT! like I never had before. I dont remember seeing an any crawl across the ground before, and wondering "how does it know which leg to move when, and how can it, its so small?" or smelling a group of wild flowers, that made me stop, and look to see which one I was smelling. I began to look at things again, to be curious about everything, but more to be amazed at the wonder of it all. we live in a magical place, every second we are alive strange magical things are happening, we are to busy, to notice, or too self involved. I am not sure. well I am not going to be one of the drones, I will stop, and watch a bird fly by, I will watch a child throw leaves in my hair and smile, and I smile too, because I know I AM ENJOYING THE SMALL THINGS THAT WE SEEM TO MISS, knowing that I have figured out a way to be happy, always, nothing anyone will ever do to me or take from me can make a sunset any less amazing, or the stars or moon any less amazing, or make a child less amazing, I HAVE found love also, and I was afraid at first that the wonder in life I had discovered was only because I was in love , a POWERFUL LOVE that has been denied for years, the denial or refusal to admit has made it that much more powerful, special, private, wonderful, awesome. BUT I discovered this week, that my love of life, and my love of HER are not tied together. I am happy, living in continual wonder and amazement, the LOVE WE SHARE is like another level, or a drug, adding to the effects I have already been experiencing, WE could NEVER work this out, and I will ALWAYS LOVE HER, but I will still have an amazing world to live in, without HER it will hurt, lots, probably forever, because you can not take my left wing and leave my right one, and expect me to be "normal" or to ever fly again. but I could still walk, or run, and I would becaus I deserve to be happy, in awe, of life.
SO i guess the peoms made me realize this : This thanksgiving I am thankful for my NEW HAPPY LIFE, that I got here, that no one of those who mattered ever gave up on me, and that I am ALIVE and LOVING. SO instead of putting a pic of a turkey and saying "HAPPY THANKS GIVING" I am going to do this.
I LOVE EVERYONE, BUT MY SOUL BELONGS TO HER. TAKE THIS HOLIDAY TO REALLY FIND THE THINGS YOU ARE THANKFUL FOR, AND IF IT IS A PERSON, TELL THEM. TELL EVERYONE YOU LOVE THEM AND HUG THEM.
LIVE LOVE LIFE