(no subject)
So I'm sitting in the bedroom, wearing my Tina Fey glasses, kitten purring on my lap. This week has been wildly full- mostly of work. I hate the limbo life I'm in, I am trying so very hard to be patient. I'm attempting this new thing called "trust", which, incidentally is helped somewhat by this thing called "booze". Vodka, did you know, was invented for anxious new undergraduate-degree-holders to have something to calm and distact them while they waited obsessively to hear back from graduate programs. I wait. I drink. I wait some more.
And this will seem vaguely preachy, this idea of timing and waiting and patience, but there it is. I had a conversation with newly engaged-friend Tim, who reminded me that as soon as I stop obsessing, as soon as I let go and acknowledge that I have no control and that my obsessing doesn't do a damn thing- this whole process will be wholely better by bounds and leaps. I'm just such a control freak that the idea of taking my sticky fingers off the steering wheel and letting God be God... yikes.
And grad school doesn't seem to be the half of it. Our rent is going up hugely- so BU, UCSD or neither, we're moving. Tyler's mom has found a new scary and unpredictable bodily breakdown that we must deal with- he is beside himself. And right now he's being incredibly brave and attempting to get off his medication for good- HUGE. We're both working ridiculous hours in the hopes we can have some savings, and see each other so little. My wisdom teeth are rotting out inside my skull and I've no insurance to get them out. Marshall is still in so much mysterious pain, and the doctors have no idea why. I'm worried that Jared is going to repeat history with all his reckless stupid stupid stupid drunk driving. I don't have time to breathe...
Which is why it is so vastly difficult to wrap myself around this idea of trust. I joke around about it- oh I'm trusting as long as trust equals panic- but I'm struggling so greatly with all the unknowns. I am a plan C, D, E, in case A and B fail. I'm a think and strategize and make a pro/con list before leaping kind of girl. This is maddening.
And this will seem vaguely preachy, this idea of timing and waiting and patience, but there it is. I had a conversation with newly engaged-friend Tim, who reminded me that as soon as I stop obsessing, as soon as I let go and acknowledge that I have no control and that my obsessing doesn't do a damn thing- this whole process will be wholely better by bounds and leaps. I'm just such a control freak that the idea of taking my sticky fingers off the steering wheel and letting God be God... yikes.
And grad school doesn't seem to be the half of it. Our rent is going up hugely- so BU, UCSD or neither, we're moving. Tyler's mom has found a new scary and unpredictable bodily breakdown that we must deal with- he is beside himself. And right now he's being incredibly brave and attempting to get off his medication for good- HUGE. We're both working ridiculous hours in the hopes we can have some savings, and see each other so little. My wisdom teeth are rotting out inside my skull and I've no insurance to get them out. Marshall is still in so much mysterious pain, and the doctors have no idea why. I'm worried that Jared is going to repeat history with all his reckless stupid stupid stupid drunk driving. I don't have time to breathe...
Which is why it is so vastly difficult to wrap myself around this idea of trust. I joke around about it- oh I'm trusting as long as trust equals panic- but I'm struggling so greatly with all the unknowns. I am a plan C, D, E, in case A and B fail. I'm a think and strategize and make a pro/con list before leaping kind of girl. This is maddening.