Fic: From Here On Out Part II
Title: From Here On Out
Author: skellig8
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Rating: Heavy R
Warnings: mentions of rape, mind rape, heavy angst, sad
Summary: Wrongly accused of cheating Jim faces a hostile Enterprise and when his encounter comes out, reparations must be made.
A/N: LJ is having conniption fits, sorry guys if I made your lists long. I'm fixing it, I swear!
~*~*~
When Spock heard the news of the ongoing trial and exposure of the terrorist wing, he was surprised at the details. Jim was very lucky indeed. He found the details of the psychic trauma; he closed his eyes briefly, giving only a hint of his expression. A delicate human way of saying ‘mind rape.’
Jim’s mind had been violated and he had pushed the other man away, thinking it was Jim’s lack of commitment. He tried to get more information, but most of it was denied. He looked among those who were working on getting the group arrested and tried. Ambassador Selek. He would know.
~*~*~
“Though circumstances vary between our universes, I find I am quite fascinated with the people I come across,” Ambassador Selek began his lecture when Spock stepped into the small garden behind the Vulcan Embassy. “I find that many personalities are similar to ones I have known… Including your Captain. I met several versions of the man, due to unusual circumstances, but in every incarnation he was a dynamic individual. Through the face of adversity the man remained undefeated and unbowed and did not turn into a bitter individual, but one of compassion. He was slow to anger, indeed, but quick to forgive. Myself included. He has the greatest capacity for love that I have ever known or encountered in all my travels.”
The elder Spock bent to attend a rose bush; he plucked out a red rose and carefully removed the thorns from the flower in full bloom. He walked slowly toward Spock and handed him the bloom gently. “He returned home for the remainder of shore leave.”
Spock found he had nothing to say. What could he say?
“I suggest you do not make the same mistake as I and continue on the path that feels right,” Selek raised his hand in the ta’al. “Good luck.”
~*~
Jim watched as the lazy curls of smoke moved towards the bar’s ceiling, watching them dissipate before taking another drag. The cigarette was cheap and awful, but who the fuck cared? He didn’t, not anymore. Many potential partners had approached him since he came home, wanting a piece of the hometown hero. The remnants of the bond wouldn’t allow it; nor would his loyalty to Spock. He didn’t want them anyway. There was only one he did and God, that had been a total clusterfuck. He resolved himself to spending his nights alone.
Was he so unreliable and disloyal? How could Spock doubt him after everything that happened? He snorted, giving a few chuckles for himself. Guess the Jim Kirk of this universe was meant to suffer.
He was partway through a bottle of Jack when the door opened and it paused slightly. Longer than necessary, so, someone new. They must be hesitating at the door, letting in the light of the afternoon sun.
It could only be someone looking for him. He turned and saw the graceful column of Spock walking toward him. Spock looked beautiful, dressed in all black, even in the dim light of the dank bar. He had stopped when Jim turned. Jim returned to his drink, pouring another two fingers into the glass. He was going to need it.
“Captain,” Spock ventured when he was three feet away.
“Have a seat, Mr. Spock. Take a load off,” Jim offered the barstool next to his. “Want a
drink?”
“That will be unnecessary, Captain.”
“Hm,” Jim hummed into his glass. “So, how long before you go to New Vulcan?”
For a second Spock looked unsure of himself.
“I am as yet undecided.”
“Funny, I thought I would have to find a new first officer.”
“I was unaware of circumstances that led to the events of the past month. I heard of the
trial and learned a great deal of information. Why was I not informed?”
Jim’s eyes hardened staring into his glass. “You know, when people got tired of me, or dealing with me when I was a kid; they sent me away and wiped their hands of me. They don’t talk to me, so I rarely give them that sort of information. You made it quite clear you were done with us and wanted nothing more to do with me. I couldn’t convince you otherwise.”
They both were silent for a while. Spock sat next to this man, so pale and drawn, yet clearly not yet done fighting. How strong must Jim Kirk be?
“Jim,” Spock began again.
Jim sighed, idly twirling his drink. “Yeah, Spock?”
“I…,” Spock paused, unsure of what he should say. “Have you eaten?”
Jim stabbed his cigarette butt into the ashtray, it had burned out while he was distracted. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a new one from the pack in his pocket. He lit up with an acquired Zippo lighter, he had gotten it as the spoils of a fight. He inhaled with closed eyes. He sighed through his nostrils blowing out the smoke, “Well, it’s no chicken dinner, but it’s what I’ve got.”
“Jim,” Spock began again.
“Obviously you’re here because you want something from me, Spock. That’s the only time I get spoken to is when someone wants something. What do you need? A drink?” Jim slammed back his whiskey. “A smoke? A fuck? Is that what you want?”
Jim stood up and staggered a little, moving towards the door. He turned back to Spock who was unsure of this Jim Kirk, he had never met his captain in such a state. He raised his arms helplessly. “What do you want from me, Spock? I have nothing to give. It’s all been taken from me.”
Jim stormed out the door into the dusty Iowan heat. The sun was beginning its decent into the horizon, it wouldn’t be long before sunset. He kicked the parking lot dust and made his way toward the road. He had drank too much already, he wasn’t driving. He snorted, he might kill himself if he did. Suddenly it was the funniest thing in the world and he chuckled lowly, almost hysterical.
“Jim?” Spock questioned from behind him.
“Go away, Spock,” Jim sounded weary. “You made sure you were done with me. Go back to Uhura and New Vulcan and have fat Vulcan babies. Good luck with your new life.”
He started walking but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder. “Jim, do not go. Do not leave me.”
For that Jim turned around to face Spock, angry. “Me… leave you?” Tears pricked his eyes. “I think you already made that choice, Spock. You were already gone. No matter how much I asked-no- begged! Pleaded with you!”
Spock cast his eyes downward, ashamed. It was interesting to see him so uncertain, usually Spock was the collected one, the impassive one. Any other time he would have capitalized the situation, but right now he just wanted Spock to go away.
Tears flowed down his face, he sniffed loudly reigning himself back in. “I could deal with the whole thing, Spock. The trauma, the Enterprise hating me, Hell, even Bones hating me, and everything else as long as I had you. The bond was broken against my will, Spock. Do you know how much it hurts? Not just from one side, but both?”
He sucked in a breath, trying to get back under control. “Guess what, Spock. A Vulcan healer couldn’t even help me. I emotionally compromised her, Spock, she was so overwhelmed. She said I would need an Adept from Gol to help me. I know who those Adepts are, and Hell, Spock. It’s not going to happen in this lifetime.”
He took another breath, breathing slower finding more control between each breath. “What do you need, Spock?”
They stood silently for another moment.
“If it’s forgiveness you want, you already have it. You had it as soon as you walked through that door. Now,” Jim cleared his throat, his actions and feelings coming back at him full force. He was sober now, the stress kicking adrenaline into his system. This wasn’t about him, this was about Spock trying to alleviate his own guilt (even if he claimed he felt none) about the situation. He had dealt with this before, from his mother, from countless others trying to make things right in a situation that was too far gone. “You have what you came for. I’m going home.”
Jim shrugged off Spock’s hand, making his way toward his motorcycle.
“Captain, you are inebriated. You should not drive.”
“Sorry, Spock,” Jim pulled on his helmet and flipped up the visor. “You gave up every right to have a say in my life. We aren’t on the Enterprise, and I’m not your boyfriend anymore.”
Jim started up the bike, a dull roar in his ears, and he made sure to kick up a lot of dust as he peeled out of the parking lot.
~*~*~
He drove for a long while to clear his head, feeling free at high speeds along the road. He felt more alive the faster he went. He passed the quarry and without a second thought turned; he revved his bike and gunned it toward the edge.
~*~*~
He stared at the stars for a long time next to his scratched up bike. He was ten feet from the edge and had slid here when he braked. His helmet removed, he lay spread-eagled looking up at the clear night sky. He could see the milky way, it’s lighter hue against the darkness. The stars didn’t judge him, he was too small down here for them to see. He followed the bright sparks of satellites across the sky and thought of deep space, the places he had been. He was meant to be up there with them, if they would have him.
The stars remained silent, offering him no answers. They remained, winking at him seductively even when he was covered in dirt. Worthless.
He sighed and slowly got up, body aching with scrapes and bruises. He would feel more in the morning for sure. He picked up his bike and started it up, turning on the headlight. He drove toward home; another empty night.
~*~*~
The porch light was on.
A dark figure was waiting for him on the porch steps. He parked, shut off his bike, and pulled off his helmet.
“I could’ve sworn I locked that,” was Jim’s opening gambit. “Interesting how visitors just seem to turn up? I’m assuming you broke in for a reason.”
“I did not break in.”
“Oh?” Jim raised an amused eyebrow. “Most guests don’t need to pick the lock to get in. Doors are usually open for welcome company.”
“I found a key underneath the doormat. I find that humans are most illogical in their hiding places.”
“I thought we were done, Spock. Go home.”
“I find I cannot.”
Jim approached the still seated Vulcan on his steps. His footsteps crackled as he stepped over the gravel. “Why can’t you just leave me be?”
Jim stared down at Spock who looked back solemnly. Spock stood up slowly, “I cannot.”
“Go away, Spock,” Jim sighed.
“I find that I cannot turn away when a friend needs my help. Regardless if he does not want it.”
“Should be easy enough, you have plenty of practice.”
Spock took the sting with good grace. Jim was impressed; there was no change to the Vulcan’s expression. “Jim.”
“Good night, Spock.”
That’s when Spock reached for him, pulling him tightly against his own chest. Jim struggled, flailing with pinned arms. He pushed, but his strength was failing him.
“No!”
No, Spock had to go, to save himself. He didn’t deserve this mess that he was right now. He tried a different tactic, he relaxed a little and when Spock did so in turn, he fought again.
They ended up losing their balance, Spock landed on top of Jim, arms wrapped tightly around him. Jim pushed and pushed until he couldn’t anymore. His tears began again and he clung tightly to Spock, he was tired of fighting. He was tired of running.
He buried his face into the crook of Spock’s neck.
“You left me,” he cried.
“I know.”
“I fought him. I did, Spock. I didn’t want it.”
“I know, Jim. It is not your fault.”
“I called for you. Every night.”
“I sorry, Jim,” Spock moved and petted his hair gently, stroking over his face with utmost care, wiping away the tears. The Vulcan’s eyes were luminous and wet in the faint light from the porch.
“I still love you,” Jim sobbed fingers tightly gripping Spock’s shirt.
“Oh, ashayam,” Spock sighed into his hair. “I love you still.”
“Why did you leave me, Spock?” Jim cried. “I needed you.”
“I’m sorry, Jim,” Spock breathed, he leaned down and rested his forehead against Jim‘s. “I never want to be parted from you again. Forgive me.”
They laid under the stars until Jim stopped crying, Spock offering silent support and just holding him. After Jim was finished, Spock helped him off the ground and into the house. He took in Jim’s appearance, but asked no questions, just helped Jim strip his clothing and get into the shower to wash the dirt from his scrapes.
Jim looked small and pale on top of the toilet seat as Spock rubbed cream over the scrapes and bruises. Spock’s eyes tightened on his face as his fingers trailed over the protruding ribs. He took in Jim then, his face too thin and bones protruding from beneath fragile skin. He got Jim dressed in a pair of sleeping pants and a t-shirt, both worn and soft from age. He wrapped Jim in a blanket and put him to bed. He was leaving when Jim’s voice called to him from the blankets.
“Spock?”
“Yes, Jim?”
“Stay.”
He curled himself against Jim’s back, wrapping an arm around the man’s waist, holding him close. Spock just held Jim that night while Jim slept, he just watched Jim sleep and breathe. How curious this creature in his arms. He thought back to his elder counterpart’s speech and squeezed Jim closer to him.
~*~*~
Back on the Enterprise, Jim made it clear that their relationship was back to square one. They no longer shared rooms and they had date nights again. They spent time over chess and meals; it was taking a long time falling back into the easy camaraderie they once had. Spock did not advance his affections and Jim did not encourage them. They were taking it slowly, near the slowness Spock had wanted at the beginning of their relationship. Spock found himself frustrated from time to time, but quickly pushed the emotion down. This wasn’t about his feelings, it was about Jim’s. Jim was healing, slowly but surely under the watchful eye of Spock and the bridge crew. They had each found their own way to apologize to the captain.
Jim was distressed over seeing his friend Bones. So far they had avoided each other, but he knew he would need Bones’ help in the long road of recovery. He stood outside the doctor’s office with the medical PADD in his hand. He waited until the good doctor noticed his presence in the doorway, waiting for Bones to feel him standing there.
“Jim?” Bones looked up at the figure lurking in his doorway. This was a pale imitation of his friend that he was presented with and one he wasn’t entirely sure of.
“Hey,” Jim looked unsure. “Can I come in?”
“Yeah,” Bones stood up. He waved to the seat in front of his desk. Jim’s chair, the one Jim usually took when they used to spend the night drinking out of the doctor’s emergency bourbon supply. “Have a seat.”
Jim sat down quietly and Bones took in at how wasted away his friend was, his heart hurt at the sight. He was supposed to be taking care of his friend and this is what happened when he neglected his friendly duties and turned his back on Jim Kirk. He chose to believe the lies that he had been given. The new evidence had come out and there was more paperwork to be added to Jim’s medical file. He couldn’t read it the first time through, he nearly broke down completely when he read the incident report.
“I need your help,” Jim began, not quite sure how to approach his friend. “But, I think I’d rather have my best friend back than my doctor.”
That made Bones get up quickly and walk around the edge of his desk to sweep Jim into his arms. Jim returned the hug tightly, gaining comfort in his friend’s embrace.
“Anything, Jim,” Bones spoke quietly into Jim’s ear. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“I know, Bones.”
And the nickname Jim had given him ignited new hope, that all wasn’t truly lost and that they could have something resembling friendship again. Bones broke off the hug awkwardly and didn’t like the way Jim looked wary of him, like he would have to defend himself at a moment’s notice.
“There’s not much the empathic healers can do, I need good old-fashioned human medicine,” Jim gave a small smile. It was only an upturn of the right side of Jim’s mouth, but it was good to see him have humor on his face again.
“This,” Jim passed the PADD over to Bones, “is my complete medical file. It has everything on it since I was born. If I’m going to get treatment, my doctor has to know everything… I’d… understand if you don’t want to take a case like this. I know you don’t like psychology or psychiatry or whatever.”
“Jim,” Bones cut into his rant. “The complaining is all for show. I want to do this.”
“Do you… Do you want me to be here while you read it?” Jim asked tentatively.
“I think that’s up to you, Jim. Do you want M’Benga on this too?”
“If you think it will help… Probably, since he knows stuff about Vulcans. That might help,” Jim fidgeted. “I want to fix this Vulcan mind link. It’s been broken for awhile, and it’s not healthy to keep it like that. But, I couldn’t get a Vulcan healer on it until I cleared up the other traumas.”
“Traumas?” Bones asked warily. He knew something of Jim Kirk’s past, through the ghosts of the medical files and countless ticks in Jim’s behavior. He had that look about him, the one he hated seeing on kids that came under his care. About going back to a place that would push the life out of them, would break their fragile bones and minds. He was just a doctor, he couldn’t put them together again. Not all the time, sometimes they needed more help than he could give. But this, this was a challenge he would willingly go to the ends of the universe for. He would earn his friend’s trust back again. It would take a long time, he realized, for that hunted look to go away from Jim’s eyes. That tired look that he had seen in the ER, when failed suicidals had gone through. They were quite clear they were just passing through, he never saw them again.
“It’s better if you read it. I won’t be far,” Jim gave that half grin again. “You’ll have questions I’m sure. I’ll give them to you.”
~*~*~
Jim was one of the surviving Tarsus nine.
There it was in black and white on his unrestricted medical file. Bones scrolled through the PADD warily, not sure of what he would find. How Jim Kirk had held himself together as well as countless other people, he didn’t know.
“Jim,” Bones’ voice cracked as he called Jim over the comm. He waited for a long while, scrolling through the pages, idly. Jim arrived not much later, hovering near the doorway.
“Bones?”
“Jim,” and Bones walked over and put his arms around his friend. “I’m so glad you’re still with us.”
Jim hugged him back fiercely. “Me too.”
“Good,” Bones cleared his throat. “All right. I think we can begin tomorrow, if that suits you. You and Spock definitely have a ways to go. I think that it will work out though.”
“I hope you’re right, Bones.”
“I know I’m right. Now, go hang out with your pointy-eared boyfriend and let me think on this.”
Jim grinned. “All right.”
~*~*~
Jim chimed at the door to Spock’s quarters and walked in after the called, ‘Enter.’
“Spock,” Jim smiled at the Vulcan working at his desk. Spock turned his full attention onto his boyfriend.
“Jim,” he nodded formally from his seat.
Jim chuckled and approached. He pulled Spock’s chair back a bit and settled into Spock’s lap, straddling the other man’s thighs.
“I told Bones,” he leaned forward and rested his head on Spock’s shoulder, nose going right into the juncture of Spock’s neck.
“What did you speak about?”
“Everything. He’s got a plan going, and you know Bones, he’s not going to stop until I’m fully healed.”
Spock wrapped his arms around Jim, nosing his way into Jim’s hair and taking a deep breath. “Are you all right?”
“I will be, Spock. I will be.”
The End
Hope you enjoy!