(no subject)
here I am home again, trying to get back into that glorious 4/5am routine with myself and phoenix and so far, my sleepy ego has won two days in a row now. This I am alright with, tonight no plans to keep me up late except perhaps a date with a dumpster. I can remember the rewards of getting up that early when I am fully awake, it's convincing my whole self of them all at 4am, groggy eyed, warm and so suseptable to ego lies. Really the difficulty lies in my not having been getting up early for the past two weeks in Phoenixs absence. So I either need to continue to rise during the ambrosial hours while he's away or kick my ass tomorrow morning when the alarm goes off.
In other parts of my head I am finding myself being more hmmmm not stressed...I am feeling the pressure I am putting on myself to find work and daycare and all that. It feels like rushing, it feels like a hard time. Yes I can do with some motivation to get up and get going but thats not what this feeling is. It's the mental after talk the part where my ego starts raggin on me for not having everything in place yet. well screw you ego brain, I just got home, I've got plenty of time and I'm trusting that everything is unfolding as it should. I am safe and secure, I am abundant and I am happy. I am longing deeply through my whole core for right work for myself and I am praying constanlty over it, theres no need to go and beat myself up about it when really the universe is working perfectly and all I need to do is be patient and proactive.
My trip up to powell river was interesting, immediately upon pulling in to town center mall on the bus I felt how strange it was that I used to live there. It all felt surreal the places and memories I hold from living there. It was exactly what I needed while I was there, it was my safetly and refuge. It was my ground upon which to build anew, mostly though it was my cucoon.
*just remembering my dream*
many story building, some sort of school, colored metal spiraling stair case but square climbing them, literally trying to move past all the small children going against there flow now I;ve dropped something i have to go back down and get it. I think it was a pair of phoenixs shoes. I don't have any memory of him actually being in the dream. Now I'm outside..ouside pub, going in but it's not pubs insides. tables and booths like a at a restaurant, really bright, Sweenys there and others that i know I get a drink and sit with them at a booth unknown thing happens and i leave for a bit, come back and all our glasses are gone there is a squaking session that she took all our food and drinks away when they obviousl weren't finished. Then I am heading outside, this time there is a couple feet of snow, trudging over to a warehouse, it's a thrifts store looking pace but monsterous. There is emphasis on the fact that i'm wearing beige pants and then put on a fur coat that is also beige. I am wandering, looking through racks of clothes for something that seems lost. I find on a shelf a really tiny figurine of something, which right now I can't remember what it was, I shove it in my pocket, it seems to be the key to the dream, like now I can go back to that school and finish what I'd started there. An asian fellow comes by and tells me I'm not supposed to be back this far, I smile and apologize and head back to the public sections. I catch a ride with a large family back to the school, we get to the drive way and our bags are all out side in the snow, I pass teh boy his bag, he has a broken leg. I take my bag and head back inside back to the stairs but I hang out underneath them, it's reall industrial feeling, empty, hollow and dark..... and wake up.
Powell River was so good to me and for me, it held me dearly as I moved through, trudged through life, one day at a time. It held me as I got up each morning with no disire to get up, it held me through the tears and pain and agony and numbness. It held me while i had no hope, it held me while I cursed life and saw nothing, couldn't see anything in the future. It held me in a way that abbotsford could not have, or I felt that it could not have. Powell river gave me the space to not feel, to not be friendly, to exsist without feelings toward others. I know I did have them, I know there were times of joy and feeling and excitment. But in comparison, there was no vitality to my life or being. And I grew there, I grew and opened and learned about love and life and the energy in life in all the colors and spaces of it. I learned how to feel again, I learned how to see. I reorganized my thoughts and learned to give myself a bit of a break. I learned to ask for help, I learned to dance for myself, to surrender myself. it was a healing place for me a place to pick up all my peices look and evalutate which ones I still wanted and put it back in my heart if it could still serve some purpose. I am so grateful to each and every soul that crossed my path, to every being who gave me a key and helped me unlock hidden parts of myself. I am so full of greatitude for people encouraging me, instilling hope in me, witnessing me in every step along my journey. For their support in any and every form. Without powell river I would not be where I am, both on my healing journey and who I am now on the other side. Powel River prepared me for my next step, my move to back to abbotsford and my deepening into myself and the work I do in kundalini dance. I feel a whole new sense of myself after all that, all that I feel i've been completely rewired and I know it only grows from here, i am only expanding from this point on, there's no going back there, to before. I am at a new state of normal, a new level. I am clearly different, not only to myself but to others, I had a couple people actually try to introduce themselves to me while I was in powell river, people I know, have know a few years. Like I said surreal.
I am also really proud and of myself I am. There aren't any other words that feel the same to me about all this, I am proud that I got up after nights of total torture and loved phoenix to the best of my ability, I am proud that I had the guts to move to powell river, I proud that I am still learning, I am proud of myself for listening to my longing heart, everyting it's lead me through has been good, all of it, I am deffinetly thankful for all that cam and I went through together so i can be this strong woman on the otherside, I am. I love that line that jenny wrote me, "I love the hero flags tied to your shoe laces as you stomp down your path." I love that, I feel it, theres no prince...errr pauper, sweeping me off my feet, making fairy tales with me. I know deep down into my cells, my bones that I am my own hero.
and for that medicine and knowledge I am turly humbled and grateful.
love, blessings, and gratitude from my shining star center
In other parts of my head I am finding myself being more hmmmm not stressed...I am feeling the pressure I am putting on myself to find work and daycare and all that. It feels like rushing, it feels like a hard time. Yes I can do with some motivation to get up and get going but thats not what this feeling is. It's the mental after talk the part where my ego starts raggin on me for not having everything in place yet. well screw you ego brain, I just got home, I've got plenty of time and I'm trusting that everything is unfolding as it should. I am safe and secure, I am abundant and I am happy. I am longing deeply through my whole core for right work for myself and I am praying constanlty over it, theres no need to go and beat myself up about it when really the universe is working perfectly and all I need to do is be patient and proactive.
My trip up to powell river was interesting, immediately upon pulling in to town center mall on the bus I felt how strange it was that I used to live there. It all felt surreal the places and memories I hold from living there. It was exactly what I needed while I was there, it was my safetly and refuge. It was my ground upon which to build anew, mostly though it was my cucoon.
*just remembering my dream*
many story building, some sort of school, colored metal spiraling stair case but square climbing them, literally trying to move past all the small children going against there flow now I;ve dropped something i have to go back down and get it. I think it was a pair of phoenixs shoes. I don't have any memory of him actually being in the dream. Now I'm outside..ouside pub, going in but it's not pubs insides. tables and booths like a at a restaurant, really bright, Sweenys there and others that i know I get a drink and sit with them at a booth unknown thing happens and i leave for a bit, come back and all our glasses are gone there is a squaking session that she took all our food and drinks away when they obviousl weren't finished. Then I am heading outside, this time there is a couple feet of snow, trudging over to a warehouse, it's a thrifts store looking pace but monsterous. There is emphasis on the fact that i'm wearing beige pants and then put on a fur coat that is also beige. I am wandering, looking through racks of clothes for something that seems lost. I find on a shelf a really tiny figurine of something, which right now I can't remember what it was, I shove it in my pocket, it seems to be the key to the dream, like now I can go back to that school and finish what I'd started there. An asian fellow comes by and tells me I'm not supposed to be back this far, I smile and apologize and head back to the public sections. I catch a ride with a large family back to the school, we get to the drive way and our bags are all out side in the snow, I pass teh boy his bag, he has a broken leg. I take my bag and head back inside back to the stairs but I hang out underneath them, it's reall industrial feeling, empty, hollow and dark..... and wake up.
Powell River was so good to me and for me, it held me dearly as I moved through, trudged through life, one day at a time. It held me as I got up each morning with no disire to get up, it held me through the tears and pain and agony and numbness. It held me while i had no hope, it held me while I cursed life and saw nothing, couldn't see anything in the future. It held me in a way that abbotsford could not have, or I felt that it could not have. Powell river gave me the space to not feel, to not be friendly, to exsist without feelings toward others. I know I did have them, I know there were times of joy and feeling and excitment. But in comparison, there was no vitality to my life or being. And I grew there, I grew and opened and learned about love and life and the energy in life in all the colors and spaces of it. I learned how to feel again, I learned how to see. I reorganized my thoughts and learned to give myself a bit of a break. I learned to ask for help, I learned to dance for myself, to surrender myself. it was a healing place for me a place to pick up all my peices look and evalutate which ones I still wanted and put it back in my heart if it could still serve some purpose. I am so grateful to each and every soul that crossed my path, to every being who gave me a key and helped me unlock hidden parts of myself. I am so full of greatitude for people encouraging me, instilling hope in me, witnessing me in every step along my journey. For their support in any and every form. Without powell river I would not be where I am, both on my healing journey and who I am now on the other side. Powel River prepared me for my next step, my move to back to abbotsford and my deepening into myself and the work I do in kundalini dance. I feel a whole new sense of myself after all that, all that I feel i've been completely rewired and I know it only grows from here, i am only expanding from this point on, there's no going back there, to before. I am at a new state of normal, a new level. I am clearly different, not only to myself but to others, I had a couple people actually try to introduce themselves to me while I was in powell river, people I know, have know a few years. Like I said surreal.
I am also really proud and of myself I am. There aren't any other words that feel the same to me about all this, I am proud that I got up after nights of total torture and loved phoenix to the best of my ability, I am proud that I had the guts to move to powell river, I proud that I am still learning, I am proud of myself for listening to my longing heart, everyting it's lead me through has been good, all of it, I am deffinetly thankful for all that cam and I went through together so i can be this strong woman on the otherside, I am. I love that line that jenny wrote me, "I love the hero flags tied to your shoe laces as you stomp down your path." I love that, I feel it, theres no prince...errr pauper, sweeping me off my feet, making fairy tales with me. I know deep down into my cells, my bones that I am my own hero.
and for that medicine and knowledge I am turly humbled and grateful.
love, blessings, and gratitude from my shining star center