(no subject)
ahhh it is cold out and I am aggrivated and shut down but with a bit of light shinning through too. we did this work exersice today at the end that left me raw and confused and annoyed. I think i figured it out walking home. I think my journey is in staying with the fact that I'm not fully comfertable with the position I'm in, I started repeating to myself on my walk, I am right and and heartfelt in my decision even though I'm rocking the boat. I am right and heartfelt in my decsion, I am right and heartfelt in my decision even though I am rocking the boat. and I know that I am moving and that things will work out, it's knowing that he is 'uncomfortable'. and maybe that is manipulation on his part, but i can see that thats my weakness, caving to it and not slipping. down, I am right and heartfelt in my decision, i am right and i will move.
this is a really difficult place for me, very uncomfortable and anxious. but i won't let these feelings change the situation. Thats what the whole exercise was about, staying in the uncomfertable situation but being able to cope better with it. So heres one of my coping techniques, calling you!!! writing, writing to you. and breathing. I'm breathing Jill. I am.
but you know what, the reason is I think that I'm so fucking (here comes the ranty part) so fucking annoyed with this, is that it's more the piece in me that isn't fine, that isn't at peice with it, I am frustrated with the fact that I'm grating myself about this that I can't find the ok place all the time and stay there in that. I am annoyed that I am being triggered, that I am being annoyed by his discomfert. and I want to yell and storm about the room yelling WHAT THE FUCK!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!" I know I'm not crazy, and I guess i can comfort myself by saying, this is part of the journey of holding your power this is your power, sitting on the rial of freaking out loosing it and being here where i am I'm not at peace but this is me coping. I am coping with this even though it doens't feel good, ohh i think i'm on to something, I'm not loosing it I'm not crying and giving my power away and I'm not doing something that i normally do when i loose it. I think i am doing well with this right now, and I have been there have been a couple times where I lost it but not today not since this exercise. I am going to get through this...... whoooooo
I can stay with this and he may be unhappy about it for a long time but I am doing this, it is the right decision for me and it is totally coming from my heart. So here I sit. Anxious and sick feeling, annoyed and frustrated, but holding steady. steady on the journey. I have a fortune cookie fortune in my pocket that reads, "You will obtain your your goal, if you maintain your course."
hiyaah.
this is a really difficult place for me, very uncomfortable and anxious. but i won't let these feelings change the situation. Thats what the whole exercise was about, staying in the uncomfertable situation but being able to cope better with it. So heres one of my coping techniques, calling you!!! writing, writing to you. and breathing. I'm breathing Jill. I am.
but you know what, the reason is I think that I'm so fucking (here comes the ranty part) so fucking annoyed with this, is that it's more the piece in me that isn't fine, that isn't at peice with it, I am frustrated with the fact that I'm grating myself about this that I can't find the ok place all the time and stay there in that. I am annoyed that I am being triggered, that I am being annoyed by his discomfert. and I want to yell and storm about the room yelling WHAT THE FUCK!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!" I know I'm not crazy, and I guess i can comfort myself by saying, this is part of the journey of holding your power this is your power, sitting on the rial of freaking out loosing it and being here where i am I'm not at peace but this is me coping. I am coping with this even though it doens't feel good, ohh i think i'm on to something, I'm not loosing it I'm not crying and giving my power away and I'm not doing something that i normally do when i loose it. I think i am doing well with this right now, and I have been there have been a couple times where I lost it but not today not since this exercise. I am going to get through this...... whoooooo
I can stay with this and he may be unhappy about it for a long time but I am doing this, it is the right decision for me and it is totally coming from my heart. So here I sit. Anxious and sick feeling, annoyed and frustrated, but holding steady. steady on the journey. I have a fortune cookie fortune in my pocket that reads, "You will obtain your your goal, if you maintain your course."
hiyaah.