(no subject)
I hate christmas. I was doing alright. It was the first time I'd actually been able to do something right, two things even. And now its started all over again. Not many ppl know that I'm self conscious about my weight, I normally manage to give the impression that I'm pretty confident, don't care what other ppl think and I've gotten quite good at hiding myself. Its the only useful skill I have. Anyway, I'd lost about four kilos and I was feeling pretty good about myself. But no good thing last. That's life and it sucks but hey, what can you do?
All the weight I'd lost from my stomach has made its way back to my face and legs and all the weight I've put on has gone to my stomach. So yay for me!
Another crap thing is that (another cheer) I've been diagnosed with acute insomnia. Basically it means I never go to sleep until the early hours of the morning and even then I'll probably sleep 5 hours tops. My dad is still in denial. He sees any disorder as a 'weakness' he still won't affect the fact that charlotte has acute diabetes. We're all acute. It wasn't even my dad who took me to get diagnosed, it was my aunt. I'm so glad I have such wonderful, loving, supportive parents. It makes everything so much easier. Not.
I got so depressed last night that I started cutting again. Well, I don't think I was so much depressed as bored. It's kinda become an addiction, at least when I'm away from home. When I get back it will become an escape again. When ppl ask me why I cut I feel like telling them to fuck off. I mean its not like I do it because I wanna have a long deep conversation about why and what I use to do it. But the truth is it relaxes me. It's kinda like meditation. When I see my blood running I can picture all my worries flowing away with my blood and it calms me down,
But I know its not good for me which is why I'm going to keep a record of how many I do each day and I can at least fantasise about stopping. Its crap cos every time I see someone's arm that's clean and unmarked I get so jealous and I know its stupid but I can't stop cutting. You have no idea how much I don't want to do it bu I can't help it, I'm addicted and it's shit.
Total number of cuts since last entry: 7
All the weight I'd lost from my stomach has made its way back to my face and legs and all the weight I've put on has gone to my stomach. So yay for me!
Another crap thing is that (another cheer) I've been diagnosed with acute insomnia. Basically it means I never go to sleep until the early hours of the morning and even then I'll probably sleep 5 hours tops. My dad is still in denial. He sees any disorder as a 'weakness' he still won't affect the fact that charlotte has acute diabetes. We're all acute. It wasn't even my dad who took me to get diagnosed, it was my aunt. I'm so glad I have such wonderful, loving, supportive parents. It makes everything so much easier. Not.
I got so depressed last night that I started cutting again. Well, I don't think I was so much depressed as bored. It's kinda become an addiction, at least when I'm away from home. When I get back it will become an escape again. When ppl ask me why I cut I feel like telling them to fuck off. I mean its not like I do it because I wanna have a long deep conversation about why and what I use to do it. But the truth is it relaxes me. It's kinda like meditation. When I see my blood running I can picture all my worries flowing away with my blood and it calms me down,
But I know its not good for me which is why I'm going to keep a record of how many I do each day and I can at least fantasise about stopping. Its crap cos every time I see someone's arm that's clean and unmarked I get so jealous and I know its stupid but I can't stop cutting. You have no idea how much I don't want to do it bu I can't help it, I'm addicted and it's shit.
Total number of cuts since last entry: 7