(no subject)
i hate not being able to remember who i am, or what i am about. i forget what makes me feel most alive, and how to get that feeling, especially when i'm trying to introduce myself to new people and make friends. sometimes i can't stand how i am, i see people like me and i see myself as a reflection of people and i do not want to be that. when i see how my family is completely socially awkward i want to hide in a corner, i don't want to deal with them or become them which is inevitable with the direction i'm heading in. i see my brother stumbling for words and telling boring stories and i know i do that too, which is terribly annoying. my room mate is like me in alot of ways, she is so timid and quiet and thoughtful. it was nice at first but i see myself falling into a pattern and i can't have that. its comfortable and it is where i naturally fall but i want more than that.
at the same time i don't know really who i want to be. the people i enjoy most are people who do talk alot, who are like jill or conor or vreni but they don't get along. none of them do. and i will have a hard time acting in a way that people don't like.
mehh. everything is probably worse when you're tired, and i can't get myself to sleep enough!! like, falling asleep isn't the problem. its finishing everything and willing myself to do it on time.
today through talking with jules and conor i started thinking about my future. i need to start forming ideas about where i see myself... it can really go anywhere. do i want to work hard enough to possibly get into a conservatory? do i want to do something different in grad school? do i even want to go to grad school? i think i do. no, i definitely do. eff the money issues, i'm going to grad school. its yet another reminder of how important grades are. not that the shitload of money we're spending isn't enough, because trust me, it is. i am going to work my butt off and get as much as i can out of here. but still.
speaking of getting good grades, i really need to get stuff done and go to bed so i can not be dead tomorrow
at the same time i don't know really who i want to be. the people i enjoy most are people who do talk alot, who are like jill or conor or vreni but they don't get along. none of them do. and i will have a hard time acting in a way that people don't like.
mehh. everything is probably worse when you're tired, and i can't get myself to sleep enough!! like, falling asleep isn't the problem. its finishing everything and willing myself to do it on time.
today through talking with jules and conor i started thinking about my future. i need to start forming ideas about where i see myself... it can really go anywhere. do i want to work hard enough to possibly get into a conservatory? do i want to do something different in grad school? do i even want to go to grad school? i think i do. no, i definitely do. eff the money issues, i'm going to grad school. its yet another reminder of how important grades are. not that the shitload of money we're spending isn't enough, because trust me, it is. i am going to work my butt off and get as much as i can out of here. but still.
speaking of getting good grades, i really need to get stuff done and go to bed so i can not be dead tomorrow