(no subject)
i hate having the pressure of going to parties all the time. i will probably drink while i'm here... not gonna lie. and i did before i got here, also not a lie. but the fact that everyone expects that you get smashed on friday AND saturday night, that if you don't go to one there is something wrong with you, disturbs me a bit. even the school sponsored dances come with the expectation that everyone will be drunk (not that they didn't before, but still).
all i want to do is sleep right now and i can not figure out why. if i go to bed at 10:30 on saturday night the second weekend in, who knows what kind of shit i will take from the girls on the floor. the problem is there is no one to drag me out like jill would before. no one to tell me what i should do, just general expectation that i will do something. ugh
the problem is that i can not open up to people right away... i think too hard about what to say and don't end up saying anything and coming off like a creep. it makes things awkward and it takes away my confidence and then there is no way i can save myself after that, i just need to get away from the situation. it happens all the time, which could mean that im just not finding the right people and there is a reason i can't force myself to open up. it could also mean that i need to stop running away and just face new people. jill has already made friends with probably 90% of people on her floor. she knows all their names and goes into their rooms and has normal conversations, and they all know her. she also decided that i should "hook up" with a kid that she met during orientation, which i can not see happening at all. these kids are stoners... i can't imagine living a life where the only thing i really like doing is getting high. it doesn't interest me at all. for some reason that is what everyone does nowadays though.
i am going to work on having conversations, and being fun, and making friends. also on being strong and not putting up with other people telling me how it should be. i can't fucking stand being called someones "project" and im going to be awesome without dealing with that.
all i want to do is sleep right now and i can not figure out why. if i go to bed at 10:30 on saturday night the second weekend in, who knows what kind of shit i will take from the girls on the floor. the problem is there is no one to drag me out like jill would before. no one to tell me what i should do, just general expectation that i will do something. ugh
the problem is that i can not open up to people right away... i think too hard about what to say and don't end up saying anything and coming off like a creep. it makes things awkward and it takes away my confidence and then there is no way i can save myself after that, i just need to get away from the situation. it happens all the time, which could mean that im just not finding the right people and there is a reason i can't force myself to open up. it could also mean that i need to stop running away and just face new people. jill has already made friends with probably 90% of people on her floor. she knows all their names and goes into their rooms and has normal conversations, and they all know her. she also decided that i should "hook up" with a kid that she met during orientation, which i can not see happening at all. these kids are stoners... i can't imagine living a life where the only thing i really like doing is getting high. it doesn't interest me at all. for some reason that is what everyone does nowadays though.
i am going to work on having conversations, and being fun, and making friends. also on being strong and not putting up with other people telling me how it should be. i can't fucking stand being called someones "project" and im going to be awesome without dealing with that.