Holy crap old stuff and communications venting
Does anyone else ever look over old things that still happen to exist ... like forums that you used to post on, or IRC channels, or other such things?
It's weird how much a person can change over the course of... hell, even two or three years... but the change over eight is absolutely fucking mindblowing.
Long vent coming up here, didn't even intend it to end up that way - but y'know, it's good I just get into typing things. When it flows out, things come up that you might not even consider normally.
Of course, most people around my age may look back at their past selves and think "god you were such a moron what" or "damn I miss it" ... other times, a combination of the two happens - I was a tad annoying (and in mid-2004 downright fucking confrontational, although this may not have been my fault according to some, I do believe I had a part in it) in my early years online, yes, but I somehow happened to get along well with others and much to my shock I actually knew what I was talking about at times!
It's also strange how people tend to come and go. I... sometimes wish I could talk to people I've long since fallen out of contact with, but I've since become a bit of a recluse and not exactly the type super eager to start conversations and talk about things like I was back in my earlier years. I miss that. I wonder if it's a product of, well, other people who tend not to like being approached. I've always liked being approached for a conversation, still do to this day - I just worry too often about interrupting others, perhaps, or I worry that I won't have a subject of discussion or anything and I'll end up boring someone to death.
Some people just truly vanish and are hard -- if not absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to reach, others still exist (pardon my horrible wording here) but really just "exist" - you know of them, may interact with them a little bit, but really not that much happens.
At the same time, I do want to meet new people to see if I can actually still be social and perhaps bring both my mood and confidence up - at the same time, however, I really don't know where I'd click too well. On one hand, I can manage to break the initial awkwardness barrier fairly reasonably, apparently... but once I've done that, I barely hold onto contact with the other person, and I feel kind of guilty. (And then I don't say anything due to the fear that said person would not remember me, which kind of ends up in a chain)
I do think I've ultimately changed for the better, however - since 2003 I do actually have some semblance of direction, I'm able to actually do things (though I don't do as many things - the irony, it hurts), and generally I've matured. It's just that I feel like I've lost some positive aspects that made me "me" in the past, and without them I'm kind of just some generic guy who's dull as hell. I'd get working on this but hell if I know where to start.
Another thing is, well, my mental "walls". I'll worry a bit about talking to some people because of characteristics about them that either I don't find "normal" or other people don't find "normal". I've got to stop that kind of worrying, because god damn, aren't 90% of the people in life like that? Things in person just don't come out as freely as they do online, or some sort of similar concept... and I think it's honestly the negative residuals from my lines of thinking from the past sticking around. No excuse for it, and I should try working away at that as well. I've been afraid to bring such an idea up because I was worried people would judge me for it and being judgmental, when it's not really a conscious thing and something I kind of don't like that just got hammered into me. (I also worried that, well, people would insert themselves into said description on their own when they don't even fit it)
...And some "good" news after that vent: I've got a new laptop as of October 18th! It's a 15" MacBook Pro, early 2011 model, with the Radeon 6750M. I didn't exactly buy this on my own volition - it was a forced purchase by one of my college classes because I needed a Snow Leopard/Lion capable machine although my Tiger machines continued to serve me fine... but like hell I'm not going to make the best of this. I do legitimately like the thing.
I'm extremely open to comments on this one - shit, perhaps input will help me work away at some of what I mentioned.
It's weird how much a person can change over the course of... hell, even two or three years... but the change over eight is absolutely fucking mindblowing.
Long vent coming up here, didn't even intend it to end up that way - but y'know, it's good I just get into typing things. When it flows out, things come up that you might not even consider normally.
Of course, most people around my age may look back at their past selves and think "god you were such a moron what" or "damn I miss it" ... other times, a combination of the two happens - I was a tad annoying (and in mid-2004 downright fucking confrontational, although this may not have been my fault according to some, I do believe I had a part in it) in my early years online, yes, but I somehow happened to get along well with others and much to my shock I actually knew what I was talking about at times!
It's also strange how people tend to come and go. I... sometimes wish I could talk to people I've long since fallen out of contact with, but I've since become a bit of a recluse and not exactly the type super eager to start conversations and talk about things like I was back in my earlier years. I miss that. I wonder if it's a product of, well, other people who tend not to like being approached. I've always liked being approached for a conversation, still do to this day - I just worry too often about interrupting others, perhaps, or I worry that I won't have a subject of discussion or anything and I'll end up boring someone to death.
Some people just truly vanish and are hard -- if not absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to reach, others still exist (pardon my horrible wording here) but really just "exist" - you know of them, may interact with them a little bit, but really not that much happens.
At the same time, I do want to meet new people to see if I can actually still be social and perhaps bring both my mood and confidence up - at the same time, however, I really don't know where I'd click too well. On one hand, I can manage to break the initial awkwardness barrier fairly reasonably, apparently... but once I've done that, I barely hold onto contact with the other person, and I feel kind of guilty. (And then I don't say anything due to the fear that said person would not remember me, which kind of ends up in a chain)
I do think I've ultimately changed for the better, however - since 2003 I do actually have some semblance of direction, I'm able to actually do things (though I don't do as many things - the irony, it hurts), and generally I've matured. It's just that I feel like I've lost some positive aspects that made me "me" in the past, and without them I'm kind of just some generic guy who's dull as hell. I'd get working on this but hell if I know where to start.
Another thing is, well, my mental "walls". I'll worry a bit about talking to some people because of characteristics about them that either I don't find "normal" or other people don't find "normal". I've got to stop that kind of worrying, because god damn, aren't 90% of the people in life like that? Things in person just don't come out as freely as they do online, or some sort of similar concept... and I think it's honestly the negative residuals from my lines of thinking from the past sticking around. No excuse for it, and I should try working away at that as well. I've been afraid to bring such an idea up because I was worried people would judge me for it and being judgmental, when it's not really a conscious thing and something I kind of don't like that just got hammered into me. (I also worried that, well, people would insert themselves into said description on their own when they don't even fit it)
...And some "good" news after that vent: I've got a new laptop as of October 18th! It's a 15" MacBook Pro, early 2011 model, with the Radeon 6750M. I didn't exactly buy this on my own volition - it was a forced purchase by one of my college classes because I needed a Snow Leopard/Lion capable machine although my Tiger machines continued to serve me fine... but like hell I'm not going to make the best of this. I do legitimately like the thing.
I'm extremely open to comments on this one - shit, perhaps input will help me work away at some of what I mentioned.