Lost.
Since the beginning of the semester, I've had a lingering depression. At first it was because of all the jerking around the school did to me, and then because of my demanding schedule, but as I settle into my schedule I am still left with an intense depression that causes me to be unable to do any of my favorite things anymore. I just sit here and think and cry and think some more.
Graduating college is something I've always looked forward to, but now that it's here and going to happen in just a few months, I have never felt more lost in my life. Will I get a job? Where? Will I hate it? What will my days be like? Will I be happy?
And then there's even more pressing questions. Will I ever have a boyfriend? Get married? Not to mention have time to continue to do all the things I enjoy doing now. I know my parents think it's stupid to go to anime conventions and spend a lot of my time on Facebook and Gaia, but I enjoy doing it. They, and the rest of the older generations, don't realize that the internet is a completely different world. What they see as wasteful and useless I see as productive and sharpening my skills (at least when I'm actually writing and doing my art oh ho ho ho)
I'm not even sure that I'm properly communicating my thoughts right now. They're so jumbled and even when I manage to lift my spirits for a moment they come crashing back down so hard that all I can do is curl up and cry. I don't know how to make it stop and I don't know how to enjoy my life right now with graduation looming overhead. I need a break from myself and I don't know how to get it.
I thought writing this journal entry would get my thoughts out and make me feel better, but it doesn't. Oh well. I keep questioning everything and it bothers me. My sister came in earlier to ask if, since she doesn't have school tomorrow, I would mind hanging out with her and watching TV up late after she comes home from her dance. I said sure, but in the back of my mind I thought "how many more times can I do this? If I have a regular job I couldn't stay up late on a Thursday." The same goes for spending time with the rest of my family. Whenever my cousins come we all stay up and watch videos or play games or hang around on our laptops. I don't want things to change just because I have to get a regular job and I'm done being a kid. I don't want to grow up into oldness. I don't see any correlation between being responsible and being an adult. I don't want to be an adult. I don't want to have to wear beige and stop having sleepovers just because of my age.
Am I supposed to have a plan by now? Because I don't. I always thought it was stupid to question the meaning of life, and I still kind of do, but now more than ever I'm wondering where my life is going. Does it matter? The only reason I even ponder it is because people say you should "do something with your life" but what does that even mean? Why? What if I'd rather just work, come home, play online, and eventually pop out some kids? Isn't that enough? Am I supposed to leave some grand mark? I don't know where I see myself in five years. I have no fucking idea.
Now I'm beginning to ramble. I don't know. I'm just lost and depressed and I don't enjoy life anymore. I don't know how to fix it. I need to go cry.
Graduating college is something I've always looked forward to, but now that it's here and going to happen in just a few months, I have never felt more lost in my life. Will I get a job? Where? Will I hate it? What will my days be like? Will I be happy?
And then there's even more pressing questions. Will I ever have a boyfriend? Get married? Not to mention have time to continue to do all the things I enjoy doing now. I know my parents think it's stupid to go to anime conventions and spend a lot of my time on Facebook and Gaia, but I enjoy doing it. They, and the rest of the older generations, don't realize that the internet is a completely different world. What they see as wasteful and useless I see as productive and sharpening my skills (at least when I'm actually writing and doing my art oh ho ho ho)
I'm not even sure that I'm properly communicating my thoughts right now. They're so jumbled and even when I manage to lift my spirits for a moment they come crashing back down so hard that all I can do is curl up and cry. I don't know how to make it stop and I don't know how to enjoy my life right now with graduation looming overhead. I need a break from myself and I don't know how to get it.
I thought writing this journal entry would get my thoughts out and make me feel better, but it doesn't. Oh well. I keep questioning everything and it bothers me. My sister came in earlier to ask if, since she doesn't have school tomorrow, I would mind hanging out with her and watching TV up late after she comes home from her dance. I said sure, but in the back of my mind I thought "how many more times can I do this? If I have a regular job I couldn't stay up late on a Thursday." The same goes for spending time with the rest of my family. Whenever my cousins come we all stay up and watch videos or play games or hang around on our laptops. I don't want things to change just because I have to get a regular job and I'm done being a kid. I don't want to grow up into oldness. I don't see any correlation between being responsible and being an adult. I don't want to be an adult. I don't want to have to wear beige and stop having sleepovers just because of my age.
Am I supposed to have a plan by now? Because I don't. I always thought it was stupid to question the meaning of life, and I still kind of do, but now more than ever I'm wondering where my life is going. Does it matter? The only reason I even ponder it is because people say you should "do something with your life" but what does that even mean? Why? What if I'd rather just work, come home, play online, and eventually pop out some kids? Isn't that enough? Am I supposed to leave some grand mark? I don't know where I see myself in five years. I have no fucking idea.
Now I'm beginning to ramble. I don't know. I'm just lost and depressed and I don't enjoy life anymore. I don't know how to fix it. I need to go cry.