i've been a huge alcohol soaked shitball but i'm really happy
so i feel fucking insane when i don't drink at night, and don't follow drinks with melatonin and benedryl. what are these things called thoughts? they're scaaary!
not really. i feel really happy right now, but i guess i feel like an asshole too.
thursday i went out with some random guy i had been talking to online for months. and he brought his friend. and we got trashed and ended up at this bar that is hyper-sexual and skanky. the two guys i was with took off their shirts to get cheaper drinks.
i ran into this guy i know and see out at a lot of events, and i told him was sexy.
then shit hit the fan and i am leaving it at that to protect myself.
i had so much fucking fun.
OK, minus this shit. but i blacked it out so it doesn't even matter:
i woke up and realized that i slept past my alarm. i didn't remember going to bed. so i wake up, drag my ass to work, and my boss realizes i am still drunk.
all day i am anxious and thinking of what i might of did when i got home, and i didn't know what i said to derek.
***
so he comes home. he says i pissed myself as i was trying to get into the building. then, i woke up in the middle of the night and tried to pee off the balcony onto the first floor. then when derek wouldn't let me, i kicked him.
which makes a lot of sense because all my clothes were on the floor the next morning and they were soaking wet.
i guess i sat around in my piss crying because i couldn't get my shoes off. so derek has to come downstairs and take them off for me.
___
then we went to fancy dinner and i pretended like i was classy. then called it an early night.
too early. i fell asleep at 8pm, woke up at midnight, went back to bed at 4am, then woke up again at 8am.
fucked up sleep. every. weekend.
___
then today i hung out with a friend i have been trying to hang out with more.
so we went to the beach in marin.
but it was a nude beach.
i did not get naked.
but friend did.
i can't get over it. he was just hanging out naked. and i was like, um. that's your penis.
it still seems surreal.
maybe because i started drinking on our way there so i would stop shaking?
it was so beautiful and an amazing day. and a total change of pace, considering that i usually prefer to hang out at super slutty gay bars on folsom and in the tenderloin.
so yeah, i get home and derek makes me steak.
____
i mean, i know i'm going to sound like a fucking whore. but maybe i got roofied thursday. i am still fucked the fucked up from it.
odds are i just drank too much, but seriously.
i need to clean it up.
because this is life. and i didn't know it could be like this when i was a kid.
and i guess i understand why nicole richie had a kid.
because if you don't have a kid, you go off the deep-end because there is nothing keeping you in line.
you can say whatever you want and fuck whoever you want. in a city like san francisco, you could fuck at least 5 guys a day and do it everyday and never run out of new faces.
and there is little stopping me from getting wasted all day everyday.
not my job. my boss is an alcoholic too, and he is foggier than me every morning.
so what?
what else keeps us from turning into shitty people?
i am not afraid of god.
so what?
not really. i feel really happy right now, but i guess i feel like an asshole too.
thursday i went out with some random guy i had been talking to online for months. and he brought his friend. and we got trashed and ended up at this bar that is hyper-sexual and skanky. the two guys i was with took off their shirts to get cheaper drinks.
i ran into this guy i know and see out at a lot of events, and i told him was sexy.
then shit hit the fan and i am leaving it at that to protect myself.
i had so much fucking fun.
OK, minus this shit. but i blacked it out so it doesn't even matter:
i woke up and realized that i slept past my alarm. i didn't remember going to bed. so i wake up, drag my ass to work, and my boss realizes i am still drunk.
all day i am anxious and thinking of what i might of did when i got home, and i didn't know what i said to derek.
***
so he comes home. he says i pissed myself as i was trying to get into the building. then, i woke up in the middle of the night and tried to pee off the balcony onto the first floor. then when derek wouldn't let me, i kicked him.
which makes a lot of sense because all my clothes were on the floor the next morning and they were soaking wet.
i guess i sat around in my piss crying because i couldn't get my shoes off. so derek has to come downstairs and take them off for me.
___
then we went to fancy dinner and i pretended like i was classy. then called it an early night.
too early. i fell asleep at 8pm, woke up at midnight, went back to bed at 4am, then woke up again at 8am.
fucked up sleep. every. weekend.
___
then today i hung out with a friend i have been trying to hang out with more.
so we went to the beach in marin.
but it was a nude beach.
i did not get naked.
but friend did.
i can't get over it. he was just hanging out naked. and i was like, um. that's your penis.
it still seems surreal.
maybe because i started drinking on our way there so i would stop shaking?
it was so beautiful and an amazing day. and a total change of pace, considering that i usually prefer to hang out at super slutty gay bars on folsom and in the tenderloin.
so yeah, i get home and derek makes me steak.
____
i mean, i know i'm going to sound like a fucking whore. but maybe i got roofied thursday. i am still fucked the fucked up from it.
odds are i just drank too much, but seriously.
i need to clean it up.
because this is life. and i didn't know it could be like this when i was a kid.
and i guess i understand why nicole richie had a kid.
because if you don't have a kid, you go off the deep-end because there is nothing keeping you in line.
you can say whatever you want and fuck whoever you want. in a city like san francisco, you could fuck at least 5 guys a day and do it everyday and never run out of new faces.
and there is little stopping me from getting wasted all day everyday.
not my job. my boss is an alcoholic too, and he is foggier than me every morning.
so what?
what else keeps us from turning into shitty people?
i am not afraid of god.
so what?