getting it together
I'm headed for new york in a few hours, and I'm so glad that I'll have Matthew's shoulder to support me while I sleep on the plane. Before I leave I wanted to rid my mind of a few things that have been swimming around.
Lately I have been preoccupied with aging and death. I've come to the harsh realization, again that my life will never be the same as it was. As my parents chose to not hide anything from me, including their death wishes for each other, I grew out of my childhood ideologies very quickly. I tried to distract my depressed and sometimes suicidal mood with work, dance and Matthew. Though I still have strong emotions against my dysfunctional family today, the gravity does not overwhelm me as it did a few years ago. Though I am still a daughter and a sister, I am no longer under the jurisdiction of my parents... and I'm surprised to find that rather than feeling liberated, I'm bitter and scared shitless.
I feel jinxed because although I had the same wonderful childhood that Matthew had, my family fell apart over the last decade, so that 1) I can no longer recognize my parents to be the people that I remember them to be; My mom is now a control freak, who uses her children as victims that she can manipulate and control. She threw me out of the house when I was 16 for reasons that I cannot remember, and recently threw out my brother who just graduated HS for going skydiving against her will and for not obeying his recently enforced 12am curfew. My dad has reverted to the mindset of a 13 year old and can no longer be considered as an adult, or as a responsible father. He parties frequently, doesnt enforce anything a parent would typically enforce on their kids and goes on bi-monthly vacations even though he still owes money for his 2003 income taxes. to be and 2) my sibs, especially my little 9 year old sister, Rebecca, cannot enjoy the same loving, secure, consistent and complete family life that I once had.
I think that I know why my memory is so bad. I somewhat feel that memories gyp me - they remind me of what I once have, and what I will never again experience. I will make new memories and learn from my parent's mistakes, but I will never again experience the same kind of joy and excitement that I enjoyed as a child and thinking about this idea really hurts. someone remind me why the "circle of life" is so great? why is living so great, when all we want to is go back to the way things were, and all that we can do is "remember."
Lately I have been preoccupied with aging and death. I've come to the harsh realization, again that my life will never be the same as it was. As my parents chose to not hide anything from me, including their death wishes for each other, I grew out of my childhood ideologies very quickly. I tried to distract my depressed and sometimes suicidal mood with work, dance and Matthew. Though I still have strong emotions against my dysfunctional family today, the gravity does not overwhelm me as it did a few years ago. Though I am still a daughter and a sister, I am no longer under the jurisdiction of my parents... and I'm surprised to find that rather than feeling liberated, I'm bitter and scared shitless.
I feel jinxed because although I had the same wonderful childhood that Matthew had, my family fell apart over the last decade, so that 1) I can no longer recognize my parents to be the people that I remember them to be; My mom is now a control freak, who uses her children as victims that she can manipulate and control. She threw me out of the house when I was 16 for reasons that I cannot remember, and recently threw out my brother who just graduated HS for going skydiving against her will and for not obeying his recently enforced 12am curfew. My dad has reverted to the mindset of a 13 year old and can no longer be considered as an adult, or as a responsible father. He parties frequently, doesnt enforce anything a parent would typically enforce on their kids and goes on bi-monthly vacations even though he still owes money for his 2003 income taxes. to be and 2) my sibs, especially my little 9 year old sister, Rebecca, cannot enjoy the same loving, secure, consistent and complete family life that I once had.
I think that I know why my memory is so bad. I somewhat feel that memories gyp me - they remind me of what I once have, and what I will never again experience. I will make new memories and learn from my parent's mistakes, but I will never again experience the same kind of joy and excitement that I enjoyed as a child and thinking about this idea really hurts. someone remind me why the "circle of life" is so great? why is living so great, when all we want to is go back to the way things were, and all that we can do is "remember."