Self therapy??
Ugh. i need desperately to get this figured out.
No... inaccurate. i have it figured out. I'm just terrified. no... still don;t know. ugh.
See... i feel nothing. nothing. occasionally he makes me smile. but mostly it's resentment, hatred, and then nothing.
I thought if we got engaged I'd feel better. I'd know then for sure that he meant it. but the whole thing was so forced. it doesn't feel like an engagement at all.
I took my ring off the other day and haven't had the guts to put it back on. I just can't. It's too much like lying. and I HATE lying. even every time he asks if i love him and i say 'yes', it's like a kick in the gut every time. It's wrong. why do i keep lying? it's just gonna hurt everyone worse in the end.
I guess the reason i keep faking it... as much as i can, which isn't much, is that i just keep hoping it will light back up. That maybe it's just some weird thing instilled in my mother that makes me run when a guy is actually ready to commit. Or when things get comfortable.
I keep thinking lately that's why things died between Jessy and I. I mean, the constant cheating wasn't helping anything and he probably would have left me for Laura eventually anyways. I mean, they're still together, so they must have something.
O god i miss him.
I miss his strength. I miss how safe he always made me feel. ugh. stupid.
I was thinking today. And i think the reason i have such a hard time with it, is that i'm mad at myself. Mad that i took him back after all the pain he caused me, that haunts me, even now, as if it had all happened yesterday.
I don't want him here. at all. And his things just keep pouring in. and in my head i'm screaming "GET OUT! GET OUT! THAT'S MINE! I PAY FOR ALL OF THIS!! YOU DON'T. YOU JUST LEECH!" but i just sit in the corner and cry. How do i tell my fiance that i can't stand him?
I want to be married so badly. i just want to not have to worry about that kind of instability in Falynne's life. I'm so afraid of screwing up her relationship with her father.
But at the same time, for myself, i really don't want to be in a loveless relationship. It's breaking me down more and more.
I guess if he helped with ANYTHING i might not have such a problem. i mean, yeah, he bought groceries a couple of times. and he helped me out with rent last month. (by 1/8) but he never helps with the housework, he never gets out of bed in the morning with Falynne. it just... grrr!
help. i don't know what to do...
No... inaccurate. i have it figured out. I'm just terrified. no... still don;t know. ugh.
See... i feel nothing. nothing. occasionally he makes me smile. but mostly it's resentment, hatred, and then nothing.
I thought if we got engaged I'd feel better. I'd know then for sure that he meant it. but the whole thing was so forced. it doesn't feel like an engagement at all.
I took my ring off the other day and haven't had the guts to put it back on. I just can't. It's too much like lying. and I HATE lying. even every time he asks if i love him and i say 'yes', it's like a kick in the gut every time. It's wrong. why do i keep lying? it's just gonna hurt everyone worse in the end.
I guess the reason i keep faking it... as much as i can, which isn't much, is that i just keep hoping it will light back up. That maybe it's just some weird thing instilled in my mother that makes me run when a guy is actually ready to commit. Or when things get comfortable.
I keep thinking lately that's why things died between Jessy and I. I mean, the constant cheating wasn't helping anything and he probably would have left me for Laura eventually anyways. I mean, they're still together, so they must have something.
O god i miss him.
I miss his strength. I miss how safe he always made me feel. ugh. stupid.
I was thinking today. And i think the reason i have such a hard time with it, is that i'm mad at myself. Mad that i took him back after all the pain he caused me, that haunts me, even now, as if it had all happened yesterday.
I don't want him here. at all. And his things just keep pouring in. and in my head i'm screaming "GET OUT! GET OUT! THAT'S MINE! I PAY FOR ALL OF THIS!! YOU DON'T. YOU JUST LEECH!" but i just sit in the corner and cry. How do i tell my fiance that i can't stand him?
I want to be married so badly. i just want to not have to worry about that kind of instability in Falynne's life. I'm so afraid of screwing up her relationship with her father.
But at the same time, for myself, i really don't want to be in a loveless relationship. It's breaking me down more and more.
I guess if he helped with ANYTHING i might not have such a problem. i mean, yeah, he bought groceries a couple of times. and he helped me out with rent last month. (by 1/8) but he never helps with the housework, he never gets out of bed in the morning with Falynne. it just... grrr!
help. i don't know what to do...