I resisted the urge to quote some shity-ass, sappy song here
I'm used to moving. A LOT. i never stay in one place for more than a year or two. my relationships never reach a stasis. nothing is ever fine or okay. there has always been some sort of tragedy, or drama going on.
So now that Paul and i are very stable and very comfortable and things are going well, i can't resist the urge to stir the pot, or run. i've been starting nothing fights again and i think it's because i'm scared to death of this working out. He is, by no means, perfect. He's still self-centred as ever and totally unaware of how his actions effect others. I was mad at him this morning for that very reason. But then he falls into me liek a child and begs me with his body to forgive him for all his shortcomings. His head laid on my stomach and his arms wrapped tightly around my legs .... I'm helpless. I left the room crying; Crying because I love him far too much to ever leave. Even if it was best for me. After that he spent the rest of the morning scurrying around trying to make some order of my apartment while at the same time trying to appease our grumpy, teething daughter.
So why then, do i want to run? after thinking long and hard, i've decided that it must be that i'm afraid of the 'hapily ever after'. which, in the real world, ends up just being 'content ever after'. I want the fairy tale to some degree. i want him to do a lot of the little things that past boyfriends would do, but he can't. He's still not their yet. I'm not a very patient person i guess. I want it all and i want it yesterday.
I should be thrilled. i should be happy. this is very much what i wanted. i thought once he said "i love you" again that i would stop crying.
so it must be me. maybe my seratonin is in short supply after all. maybe i should go back to the crazy head doctors who just shoved pills down my throat. maybe that's what i need. Who knows. I used to be the one with all the answers and now i'm jus tthe one with all the questions. For example, 'where did i go wrong?'.
I just have to keep reminding myself of all the good things i have
- A beautiful happy, healthy daughter
- A warm and cozy home
- LOTS of people who love me
- A whole new wing to my family
- A sweet boyfriend who is doing as best as he knows how
- A new kitty to remind us to laugh
- enough food to eat.
- enough money to live and extra to live WELL
So after all that, i think the problem must be with me. I'll call the doctor asap.
So now that Paul and i are very stable and very comfortable and things are going well, i can't resist the urge to stir the pot, or run. i've been starting nothing fights again and i think it's because i'm scared to death of this working out. He is, by no means, perfect. He's still self-centred as ever and totally unaware of how his actions effect others. I was mad at him this morning for that very reason. But then he falls into me liek a child and begs me with his body to forgive him for all his shortcomings. His head laid on my stomach and his arms wrapped tightly around my legs .... I'm helpless. I left the room crying; Crying because I love him far too much to ever leave. Even if it was best for me. After that he spent the rest of the morning scurrying around trying to make some order of my apartment while at the same time trying to appease our grumpy, teething daughter.
So why then, do i want to run? after thinking long and hard, i've decided that it must be that i'm afraid of the 'hapily ever after'. which, in the real world, ends up just being 'content ever after'. I want the fairy tale to some degree. i want him to do a lot of the little things that past boyfriends would do, but he can't. He's still not their yet. I'm not a very patient person i guess. I want it all and i want it yesterday.
I should be thrilled. i should be happy. this is very much what i wanted. i thought once he said "i love you" again that i would stop crying.
so it must be me. maybe my seratonin is in short supply after all. maybe i should go back to the crazy head doctors who just shoved pills down my throat. maybe that's what i need. Who knows. I used to be the one with all the answers and now i'm jus tthe one with all the questions. For example, 'where did i go wrong?'.
I just have to keep reminding myself of all the good things i have
- A beautiful happy, healthy daughter
- A warm and cozy home
- LOTS of people who love me
- A whole new wing to my family
- A sweet boyfriend who is doing as best as he knows how
- A new kitty to remind us to laugh
- enough food to eat.
- enough money to live and extra to live WELL
So after all that, i think the problem must be with me. I'll call the doctor asap.