I'm no rebel, i'm a philosopher
Existentialism is wonderful and absolute shit at the same time. My life's purpose is to not have a purpose. (joke)
Anyways.....
definition is my problem as of late. i'm always analyzing my actions. "if i do this what does that say about me? if he/she sayd that, what do they really mean?" somewhere in the past year i've stopped living in the moment again. it turns out that it's a really hard thing to do.
I think back to where it all went wrong. or maybe that's just where the adventure begins. but as far as i can tell, i went wrong when i broke things off with Jessy. And i don;t mean that like "i want him back" kinda thing. i just mean, that's when i started to lose the battle against myself. I started wondering why i was doing things and i wanted to stop that. i wanted to let go and just have fun, but as soon as i let go i was like the trapeese guy. reaching out for something else secure to hold onto. i cannot live without structure. i tried to make Ryan give me that structure. and when he wouldn't i tried to make Paul do it. I was desprately trying to fill that hole where Jessy had been (hee hee... dirty). I wanted the life that i could have had with Jessy. I still do now, and i'm still trying to force it.
still trying to make paul be someone he can't be.
I was thinking ahout how things have gone lately. I like the way they are. i like the intimate friendship i have with Paul. so why am i trying to make it any more than that?
I don;t know. i wan the security. problem is i'm not even comfortable in my own skin yet. i'm still very insecure and immature. not ready to be in a serious relationship yet. but i want one. want it so bad.
Cause i had it and i let it go. Truth is, i didn't want to end things with Jessy. I didn't really want it to be over. i just got selfish. i wanted Ryan. cause he was something shiny. and cheating on Jessy again, would not do. i wasn't willing to sacrifice whatever it was that i wanted from Ryan in order to really make things work with Jessy. Not that i;m saying we had a great relationship. there were a lot of trust issues and the distance wasn't helping. we were also both way too busy with school and everything else to put a lot of energy into us. i'm just saying that i shouldn't have done what i did. maybe.
So anyways... what i was getting at is i'm not expecting anything from Paul. If we're just friends who kiss etc. from time to time, what's the big deal? so long as i can keep thinking that and not let my maternal instict try to make him a husband/daddy type.
I gotta go back to my "if i died tomorrow..." way of looking at things. while still keeping enough stability to be a good mom.
wish me luck
Anyways.....
definition is my problem as of late. i'm always analyzing my actions. "if i do this what does that say about me? if he/she sayd that, what do they really mean?" somewhere in the past year i've stopped living in the moment again. it turns out that it's a really hard thing to do.
I think back to where it all went wrong. or maybe that's just where the adventure begins. but as far as i can tell, i went wrong when i broke things off with Jessy. And i don;t mean that like "i want him back" kinda thing. i just mean, that's when i started to lose the battle against myself. I started wondering why i was doing things and i wanted to stop that. i wanted to let go and just have fun, but as soon as i let go i was like the trapeese guy. reaching out for something else secure to hold onto. i cannot live without structure. i tried to make Ryan give me that structure. and when he wouldn't i tried to make Paul do it. I was desprately trying to fill that hole where Jessy had been (hee hee... dirty). I wanted the life that i could have had with Jessy. I still do now, and i'm still trying to force it.
still trying to make paul be someone he can't be.
I was thinking ahout how things have gone lately. I like the way they are. i like the intimate friendship i have with Paul. so why am i trying to make it any more than that?
I don;t know. i wan the security. problem is i'm not even comfortable in my own skin yet. i'm still very insecure and immature. not ready to be in a serious relationship yet. but i want one. want it so bad.
Cause i had it and i let it go. Truth is, i didn't want to end things with Jessy. I didn't really want it to be over. i just got selfish. i wanted Ryan. cause he was something shiny. and cheating on Jessy again, would not do. i wasn't willing to sacrifice whatever it was that i wanted from Ryan in order to really make things work with Jessy. Not that i;m saying we had a great relationship. there were a lot of trust issues and the distance wasn't helping. we were also both way too busy with school and everything else to put a lot of energy into us. i'm just saying that i shouldn't have done what i did. maybe.
So anyways... what i was getting at is i'm not expecting anything from Paul. If we're just friends who kiss etc. from time to time, what's the big deal? so long as i can keep thinking that and not let my maternal instict try to make him a husband/daddy type.
I gotta go back to my "if i died tomorrow..." way of looking at things. while still keeping enough stability to be a good mom.
wish me luck