"i'm all by myself, as i've always felt. I'll betray myself to anyone..."
I was so excited yesterday after i was told i'd be induced Sunday. i started jumping up and down and even had the absense of mind to leave my purse at the OB clinic. I was smiling like an idiot and couldn't stop. But as usual, there always must be damper on everything. Jacquie sent me a message wishing me well. Just a reminder that she's still here. She's still talking to him. And i am STILL living in her shaddow, for lack of a better metaphor.
Don't get me wrong, i appreciate that she did that. Not an easy thing to do, being a big person like that. But it just got my mind going again.
Things are good now, but they won't be for long. I have to enjoy this while i have it. While he's still not telling me everything because he doesn't want to upset me while i'm pregnant. It's like living on the edge of a volcano. You don't know exactly when, but you know eventually it's going to erupt and take away everything you have that is good.
I want so badly to be able to trust him, but something is still whispering in my ear, reminding me that he's still the snake that i picked up in the first place, and will hurt me just out of his nature, however unintentional it may be.
Don't get me wrong, i appreciate that she did that. Not an easy thing to do, being a big person like that. But it just got my mind going again.
Things are good now, but they won't be for long. I have to enjoy this while i have it. While he's still not telling me everything because he doesn't want to upset me while i'm pregnant. It's like living on the edge of a volcano. You don't know exactly when, but you know eventually it's going to erupt and take away everything you have that is good.
I want so badly to be able to trust him, but something is still whispering in my ear, reminding me that he's still the snake that i picked up in the first place, and will hurt me just out of his nature, however unintentional it may be.