and the fence continues. pickets or not.
After my freakout i kinda took a step back and realized the reality of everything.
This is it. This is my life. This is where i'm headed. Mom-hood, moving in with the father of my child. this isn't highschool-making-out-under-the-bleachers kind of a relationship this is for real, all in, permanent kind of a thing. And he's unwavering. I'm freaking out and he's sure this is what he wants. I guess that's what scares me the most. The certianty that he has. Its not like him. And i know underneath all of this he's still the same person he always was. And always will be but with a huge difference. He's actually commited to a decision.
It still feels very unreal though. I still feel like i'm 16. not like an adult about to start a family and settle down.
It's what i've always wanted. and that's the scariest part of all. Okay, yeah, i didn't want the poverty and the struggling to move out right after having a baby part. but ultimately it's what i want.
I was looking at old pictures of him with Jacquie and of all the nights that he bailed on me. It made me so mad. I still can't believe he bailed on me when i was so scared and confused. left me to try and figure out what i was going to do about this baby. and just rides in on his white steed at the last minute. It makes me so mad. but I still lov ehim anyways. I know exactly what kind of monster he is and i want him anyways. Maybe because i see a lot of myself in him. I'm just as self centred and immature. At least he can say he's self sufficient. I am still working on this whole taking care of myself thing. Not that i can;t or i haven;t before. I don;t know. I'm mad at myself for allowing things to get this bad. to have allowed myself to end up in this hole.
ANYways. i guess i just had to get all that out. rant a little about everything and nothing. blah. i want to kiss hos face right now. have to wait till tuesday. blah.
hmm.... i think i need some cafffeine. yes. that and my prenantal vitamin. that's probably what's causeing this imbalanced neuroticism.
better do that before i get too bad.
This is it. This is my life. This is where i'm headed. Mom-hood, moving in with the father of my child. this isn't highschool-making-out-under-the-bleachers kind of a relationship this is for real, all in, permanent kind of a thing. And he's unwavering. I'm freaking out and he's sure this is what he wants. I guess that's what scares me the most. The certianty that he has. Its not like him. And i know underneath all of this he's still the same person he always was. And always will be but with a huge difference. He's actually commited to a decision.
It still feels very unreal though. I still feel like i'm 16. not like an adult about to start a family and settle down.
It's what i've always wanted. and that's the scariest part of all. Okay, yeah, i didn't want the poverty and the struggling to move out right after having a baby part. but ultimately it's what i want.
I was looking at old pictures of him with Jacquie and of all the nights that he bailed on me. It made me so mad. I still can't believe he bailed on me when i was so scared and confused. left me to try and figure out what i was going to do about this baby. and just rides in on his white steed at the last minute. It makes me so mad. but I still lov ehim anyways. I know exactly what kind of monster he is and i want him anyways. Maybe because i see a lot of myself in him. I'm just as self centred and immature. At least he can say he's self sufficient. I am still working on this whole taking care of myself thing. Not that i can;t or i haven;t before. I don;t know. I'm mad at myself for allowing things to get this bad. to have allowed myself to end up in this hole.
ANYways. i guess i just had to get all that out. rant a little about everything and nothing. blah. i want to kiss hos face right now. have to wait till tuesday. blah.
hmm.... i think i need some cafffeine. yes. that and my prenantal vitamin. that's probably what's causeing this imbalanced neuroticism.
better do that before i get too bad.