booooooo
so, once again, i am in an utter state of emotional turmoil. i dont know what to do about paden. i can feel his emotion there, i could cut through it with a knife... or some blunt object... like a spoon. but, i dont know what to make of it. hes a relationship phobe, just like me. hes scared to make a move and i wont make the first move which puts us in a nice little dilemmma. that and i still have this loverly paranoid feeling that everything isnt as it seems. he downplays himself too much which was exactly what i did when i was fooling people. ruth says im just being paranoid, that i should go with it and let whatever happens, happen. i also feel that he might just be using me for class. it seems like most of the time he calls or texts its to ask about class or for me to teach him. but yet i still feel the emotion there; all awkward and knobbily knees. i decided yesterday to just let it die, not to worry about it and let it slowly drift away; and that seemed to kill me inside. i couldnt stop crying last night, and i felt really bad thinking that way. i woke up this morning and i was fine; i figured he wouldnt call, i gave him all the info i knew about class yesterday. but sure as rain in a drought, he texted and wants me to hang out with him tonight, and i, ofcourse agreed. so now, here i am, not sure what to make of this whole situation. im still absolutely phobic about getting into a relationship, i feel sick and dont know what to do, but at the same time im excited anticipating it. so, as for now, que sera sera. im not making an obvious move in either direction. he can figure it out :D