destiny is calling me
i hate that im so weak sometimes. i realize now that if i reach forth my hand he'll take it, and i really want him to. but at the same time i know our happiness would be short lived. this summer my handfasted is supposed to return to me, and i'll go to him without a second thought. so i can't take this boy from a girl he's happy with. i think he sees this too. i knew i was talking too much on saturday and i couldnt tell why it bothered me so. but now i see. i see that he had the same feelings i did, and he turns away from me because he knows i can never be 100% there for him. i hate that this is making me cry. its not worth my tears, or is it? i want to be there for him, and i the thought of losing him wrenches tears from my heart, but hurting him later by leaving him with no one isnt worth the view weeks or months of happiness.
this sucks so bad becuase i dont even know if its true. i only think my handfasted comes for me becuase of some visions or hallucinations, which ever you feel more comfortable calling them by. i havent talked to him since that night, and now im sitting here crying, thinking him lost. i hope this welling of emotions is because of my moondark courses, they should be here soon.
lent starts tomorrow. no one understands why i celebrate lent. i guess i even have to explain this to myself from time to time, and remind myself that its not the christ i hold in disdain its his priests who see all as sin. i see lent as a time of fasting. christ spent the entire time in fasting so as he would receive clearer visions of what he must do. we fast for the same reason. opur visions are controlled by our wills, and thus i test my will, and prove it superior to my body. and on that note, this lenten season im giving up sweets, pasta, and snacks. basically im becoming an anorexic. well not really, i eat more than my fair share, and this is meant only to temper it. oh well, i guess i cant regret what was never really mine.
whatever that means.
this sucks so bad becuase i dont even know if its true. i only think my handfasted comes for me becuase of some visions or hallucinations, which ever you feel more comfortable calling them by. i havent talked to him since that night, and now im sitting here crying, thinking him lost. i hope this welling of emotions is because of my moondark courses, they should be here soon.
lent starts tomorrow. no one understands why i celebrate lent. i guess i even have to explain this to myself from time to time, and remind myself that its not the christ i hold in disdain its his priests who see all as sin. i see lent as a time of fasting. christ spent the entire time in fasting so as he would receive clearer visions of what he must do. we fast for the same reason. opur visions are controlled by our wills, and thus i test my will, and prove it superior to my body. and on that note, this lenten season im giving up sweets, pasta, and snacks. basically im becoming an anorexic. well not really, i eat more than my fair share, and this is meant only to temper it. oh well, i guess i cant regret what was never really mine.
whatever that means.