Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables.
It has been a long time since I've been on LiveJournal. I forgot my user name, but it has come back to me. Just in time because I have been longing for a internet blog outlet to chronicle my recent life. Reunited at last!
A quick recap of my latest going ons. I got into my first official relationship and I got out of it after 8 months. I wasn't into it and my life was becoming overwhelmingly unmanageable. I was suffering consequences to the extent of being 255 lbs, $2,000 dollars in credit card debt, dropping half of my classes and not putting any work into my recovery. The girl was nice enough, but she wasn't really my type i.e. she was T.V. person not that into music, not in school and satisfied with working a retail job, plus a bit of a racist. I thought I would give it my best to accept her, but found that I was lying to her and to myself. Most importantly I was not working on myself and not in touch with the Narcotics Anonymous program. For myself continuing in this way means death literally. It is unfortunate and I wish it wasn't this way, but I must be vigilant. I have a disease that kills me, and harms those closest to me.
Since the break-up I have rededicated myself to my chosen way of life. I have made a fearless and moral inventory of my life and I have learned to take responsibility for the things I have done. I have written my assets and I am proud to say that there are many. Now I am becoming willing to work on my defects of character. These flaws have caused me a great deal of pain through out my life, yet they have provided a sick brand of comfort. Some I am very eager to rid my self of such as gluttony, greed, and sloth. However, there are some that, like I said, provide me with a sense of familiarity. I am afraid that if I lose these feelings and habits I won't like the person I become. Anger, especially self-righteous anger is something I particularly like. I like being wronged in such a way that I can lash out because I feel I can act and say things that are harmful, however justified. Self-pity usually follows which means I get to comfort myself is all sorts of unhealthy ways. Still, I can understand that acting in these ways are harmful and I can also see how working on these things can make me a better person.
The one I am absolutely terrified of letting go is lust. I have been lustful since the first grade when most girls and boys were concerned with cooties. I had a crush on a girl even then! So, clearly this is something that has been with me my whole life. I like being girl crazy, but as I write some thoughts come to mind. 1. I haven't really been too successful with girls despite my desires and perhaps it's this obsession that hasn't allowed me to be successful with girls 2. Lust is probably one of the main factors of my self destructive drug use. How so? Well, I used coke primarily to lose weight so that the ladies might love me. I used pot as my only means of approaching a girl. When the target of my love wronged me in any way it justified absolute obliteration (see self-righteous anger/pity).
Well, o.k. Now that I see how these things have harmed me and caused me misery how do I replace these attitudes and behaviors? Finding and trying these new methods scares me too. What if I am not capable? What if I fail? Will replacing my vices with virtues make me into proverbial nice guy who finishes last? I don't know, and that is not for me to decide. I have hope and faith that whatever lies for me on the other side is to the benefit of myself and the world. The alternative to this would be to live the same way I've lived the result of which was devastating and could be worse. I can honestly say I am done with my character defects. The root of them is unbelievable self-obsession and I want to be self-less.
I am happy to be posting again, and I've missed you guys so much. It's a goal of mine to save money and do a tour of central and north Florida as well as Atlanta to see ya'll. I'll be in contact.
A quick recap of my latest going ons. I got into my first official relationship and I got out of it after 8 months. I wasn't into it and my life was becoming overwhelmingly unmanageable. I was suffering consequences to the extent of being 255 lbs, $2,000 dollars in credit card debt, dropping half of my classes and not putting any work into my recovery. The girl was nice enough, but she wasn't really my type i.e. she was T.V. person not that into music, not in school and satisfied with working a retail job, plus a bit of a racist. I thought I would give it my best to accept her, but found that I was lying to her and to myself. Most importantly I was not working on myself and not in touch with the Narcotics Anonymous program. For myself continuing in this way means death literally. It is unfortunate and I wish it wasn't this way, but I must be vigilant. I have a disease that kills me, and harms those closest to me.
Since the break-up I have rededicated myself to my chosen way of life. I have made a fearless and moral inventory of my life and I have learned to take responsibility for the things I have done. I have written my assets and I am proud to say that there are many. Now I am becoming willing to work on my defects of character. These flaws have caused me a great deal of pain through out my life, yet they have provided a sick brand of comfort. Some I am very eager to rid my self of such as gluttony, greed, and sloth. However, there are some that, like I said, provide me with a sense of familiarity. I am afraid that if I lose these feelings and habits I won't like the person I become. Anger, especially self-righteous anger is something I particularly like. I like being wronged in such a way that I can lash out because I feel I can act and say things that are harmful, however justified. Self-pity usually follows which means I get to comfort myself is all sorts of unhealthy ways. Still, I can understand that acting in these ways are harmful and I can also see how working on these things can make me a better person.
The one I am absolutely terrified of letting go is lust. I have been lustful since the first grade when most girls and boys were concerned with cooties. I had a crush on a girl even then! So, clearly this is something that has been with me my whole life. I like being girl crazy, but as I write some thoughts come to mind. 1. I haven't really been too successful with girls despite my desires and perhaps it's this obsession that hasn't allowed me to be successful with girls 2. Lust is probably one of the main factors of my self destructive drug use. How so? Well, I used coke primarily to lose weight so that the ladies might love me. I used pot as my only means of approaching a girl. When the target of my love wronged me in any way it justified absolute obliteration (see self-righteous anger/pity).
Well, o.k. Now that I see how these things have harmed me and caused me misery how do I replace these attitudes and behaviors? Finding and trying these new methods scares me too. What if I am not capable? What if I fail? Will replacing my vices with virtues make me into proverbial nice guy who finishes last? I don't know, and that is not for me to decide. I have hope and faith that whatever lies for me on the other side is to the benefit of myself and the world. The alternative to this would be to live the same way I've lived the result of which was devastating and could be worse. I can honestly say I am done with my character defects. The root of them is unbelievable self-obsession and I want to be self-less.
I am happy to be posting again, and I've missed you guys so much. It's a goal of mine to save money and do a tour of central and north Florida as well as Atlanta to see ya'll. I'll be in contact.