Meant to Be 19/? (SG-1 Sam/Janet femslash)
"Hey Sharon," Janet smiled as her favorite nurse came on duty. "Is everything still okay for Saturday?"
"It sure is," Sharon grinned. "We're all really looking forward to it. Mikey can't wait."
"Well, it's not every day that a boy turns six, is it?" Janet smiled back. "So you'll take him out in the morning, so we can come in and assemble the trampoline we bought him without him knowing what's going on?"
"We thought we'd take both kids to the park," Sharon said. "Should Sam really be doing physical work like that yet, though? I'd hate her to hurt herself."
Janet's face clouded slightly. "She's insisting on doing it herself," she said. "I tried to suggest we get the guys to come over and help, and she got real snappy. Says she could do it standing on one leg, with one arm tied behind her back."
"How is she?" Sharon asked.
"She's not too bad," Janet said, sighing as she sat in a chair. "I think she's started to get a bit depressed, though. She hates not being able to do some things that she used to do. I'm learning that it's best to let her do what she wants, not to fuss her. She's learning her limits. And she's trying so hard to be cheerful. I thought going back to work would help, at least when she's in her lab, she's distracted. But she hates it whenever the Stargate activates. It didn't help when the colonel and Daniel went through it yesterday, though she pretended she hadn't noticed."
"Are they replacing her on SG-1?" Sharon knew that she was mentioning a sensitive subject.
"Not yet," Janet shook her head. "And they say yesterday was just a one-off diplomatic visit. But they're gonna have to think about it soon. That's gonna be so hard for her," Janet looked close to tears.
"And for you too," Sharon intuited. "And what about the nightmares?" her voice was kind.
"Still bad," Janet said. "She tries so hard to brush them off. But I think they're pretty intense sometimes. I'm not sure how to help her. I just hold her."
Sharon put a warm hand on her arm. "And you?" she asked. "How are your nightmares?"
Janet's head jerked up.
"Sam told me," Sharon said gently.
"I'm okay," Janet said. "And they're not as bad as Sam's. Or as frequent. She woke up screaming the other night."
"Do you think you should see someone?" Sharon suggested. "Maybe even together?"
Janet shook her head. "Sam doesn't want to," she said sadly. "Says she can't face that. We'll be fine," she tried to smile. "Both of us. It's just going to take a little time."
"Well you just let me know if there's anything I can do," Sharon told her. "C'mere," she pulled Janet out of the chair and into a warm hug. "You've done the hardest part. Both of you," she reminded her.
"Now we just have to learn to live with it," Janet tried to keep her voice even. "I can't bear that Sam's health has been compromised. Just because I married the wrong man."
"Sam would see that as a sacrifice worth making," Sharon said. "She told me that."
"Yeah," Janet said. "She told me too. She's amazing, Sharon," Janet said.
"So are you, Dr Fraiser," Sharon smiled. "Just ask Mikey. And Eliza. They both think you are wonderful."
Janet grinned. "They're great kids," she said. "Has Eliza said any more words yet?" Sharon and Cora's daughter was now 19 months old, and had just started to speak.
"Oh yes," Sharon smiled proudly. "She seems to learn so much every day. And she looks so much like Cora, Janet. She has her beautiful eyes."
"She's a beauty," Janet agreed.
= = =
"You can lean on me Sam," Cassie said, as she helped her assemble the trampoline in Sharon and Cora's back yard.
Sam shot her a grateful look, as she leant carefully against her while she tightened the bolt. Janet had tactfully withdrawn and was making coffee in their friends' kitchen. She had offered to help, but had seen the impatient look on Sam's face. She knew that Sam needed to do as much as she was able, and the trampoline had been Sam's idea right from the beginning. She knew letting her take charge outweighed the risk of a bit of pain later.
"There!" Sam grinned triumphantly. She kicked her shoes off.
"Sam!" Cassie cried. "No! Mom will kill you!"
"She'll have to catch me first," Sam said, as she levered herself onto the springy surface. She bounced up and down a few times, but stayed on her butt.
Cassie realized that Sam was just teasing Janet, and wasn't going to try and stand up. So she smiled when Janet emerged from the kitchen, bearing two mugs of coffee, and started. Janet knew what game Sam was playing, so she just gave a cool smile, and placed both mugs on the table. She then approached the trampoline, an evil grin on her face. Before Sam knew what was happening, Janet had leapt onto the trampoline, and was straddling her with both feet, effectively pinning her to the surface. "You wanna play dirty?" Janet said in a mock-serious tone. "Okay, then," she started, very gently, to bounce, her feet keeping Sam in place.
Sam squealed with laughter, joining in the fun. Suddenly she sat upright and grabbed both of Janet's legs, causing her to land on her butt on the trampoline in front of her. "You shouldn't take advantage of an invalid, doctor," Sam failed to keep the humor out of her voice.
Janet laughed, and tried to roll away, but Sam grabbed her again and rolled on top of her, pinning her to the fabric. She looked up, and saw Sam's grinning face. "Okay," she said, "I surrender."
"You surrender?" Sam's voice was teasing. "Completely?"
"Totally," Janet squirmed under her grasp, but Sam was too strong for her. "Utterly. Absolutely. Unconditionally."
"So I can do whatever I want with you?" Sam teased.
"Anything you want," Janet replied. "Anything at all," she looked deep into Sam's eyes.
Sam leant forward and kissed her softly.
Janet whimpered with pleasure. Sam kissed her again, more passionately this time.
"Anything," Janet sounded slightly breathless.
"Oh gross," Cassie's voice rang out. "Get a room, would you?"
Sam looked up, a wide smile on her face. "Blame your mom," she said. "She started it."
"And I'm gonna finish it," Janet whispered into Sam's ear, in such a seductive tone that Sam blushed. "Later. Much later."
Sam's heart skipped a beat. She kissed Janet again, tenderly. "I'll hold you to that," she whispered back. "Okay," her voice returned to normal. "Help me off this damned thing, Cass. Pass me that cane, would you?"
Cassie obliged, and Sam levered herself carefully back onto solid ground, followed by Janet.
"That's a car," Janet cocked her head as she listened intently. "They're back."
Sam smiled. "D'you think he'll like it?" she sounded slightly nervous.
"Are you kidding?" Janet replied. "What kid doesn't like trampolines? He'll love it," she said. "Right, Cass?"
"Oh yeah," Cassie said. "It's amazing."
They made their way into the living room through the garden door, just as the family came through the front door. Mikey saw Sam as he entered. "Captain Sam!" he cried, and flung himself towards her, wrapping his arms round her long legs.
Janet looked concerned that he might unbalance her lover, but saw with relief that Sam lowered herself into the chair nearby. "Mikey!" Sam said, putting her arms out. "Come give me a hug!" She smiled lovingly at Janet as Mikey climbed up to hug his hero. She knew Janet was looking out for her, but was grateful that she wasn't making a fuss.
= = =
Sam turned to Janet as they got into bed that night. "It was a great day, wasn't it?" she stroked Janet's face lovingly.
"It really was," Janet agreed. "Mikey's a great kid. They're a wonderful family."
"Thank you, Jan," Sam's voice was serious.
"For what?" Janet asked.
"For letting me do the trampoline," Sam replied. "I know you were just itching to help me. And I know it would have been done much faster if you had. But you left me to it."
Janet kissed her softly. "I know how important it is to you to do these things," she said. "I do know how difficult this all is for you, Sam," her voice was tender. "You're so used to doing everything yourself."
"It's hard," Sam admitted, for the first time. "I hate being an invalid."
"You're not an invalid," Janet told her. "But things are a little harder now. We have to keep talking, Sam. That's more important than anything. I know sometimes you get depressed."
Tears sprang to Sam's eyes. She tried so hard not to think about things. "I just can't believe that I'm no longer part of SG-1," she said.
"You are part of SG-1," Janet told her. "Remember what the colonel said?"
"Yeah, I know he said we'd always be a team. But it's not true, is it Jan? Sooner or later, they're gonna have to replace me. They've already been offworld without me. They went out with SG-8 yesterday. And earlier in the week."
"Just fact-finding," Janet reminded her.
"This time," a fat tear rolled down Sam's face. "But we have to face up to it. I'm never going back on active duty, am I?"
Janet looked away, and Sam grabbed her hand.
"Am I?" Sam demanded, a touch of sharpness in her voice.
Janet looked straight at her. "Probably not," she admitted. "I'm sorry, baby," her voice cracked. "But I can't clear you. You'd be putting yourself at risk."
"And I'd be a liability," Sam was furious to find herself coughing painfully again. "Damn it," she said, after the fit passed. "I can't even breathe properly!"
"Try to relax," Janet said gently. "It's worse when you're tense."
Sam nodded, her energy suddenly spent. "I'm sorry," she said in a quiet voice. "I shouldn't take it out on you. It's not fair."
"Sometimes life isn't fair," Janet said understandingly. She took Sam's face in both hands, brushing away the tears with her thumbs. "You love me, right?"
Sam nodded, tears spilling anew onto Janet's fingers. "More than I have ever loved anybody. Or anything. I can do anything, if just you're with me."
"I'll always be with you, baby," Janet said emotionally. "Wherever you are. Whatever you do. I love you so much. You have such a beautiful soul," she whispered.
"It doesn't feel very beautiful right now," Sam admitted. "I hate that I have all these negative thoughts."
"It'll get better," Janet promised. "And I'll be with you."
Sam kissed her. "Well that's all that matters," her voice was small. "Truly. I'm sorry, Jan," she said. She kissed her again. "You are all that I need."
"Right back at ya," Janet said.
= = =
"Hey doc," O'Neill poked his head round the door to Janet's office a few days later. "Got a minute?"
Janet smiled at him. "For you, always," she said with real warmth. "Want me to find some big needles?" she teased him.
He clutched his hands protectively to his butt, and grinned. "Not this time, doc," he said, as he lowered himself into the chair facing Janet.
"What can I do for you colonel?" Janet asked.
"I wanted to talk to you about Carter," he said, his demeanor unusually serious.
"Sir?" Janet's blood ran cold. If this was him coming to tell her that they were replacing Sam, she didn't know what she would do. She didn't know how she would tell her.
"It's nothing bad," O'Neill saw the sudden change in her expression. "I swear." He saw her relax marginally. "I just wanted your opinion," he said. "Carter, how is she?"
"She's good," Janet said cautiously. "Considering what her body has been through. And she's trying so hard to be positive about it."
"But she's having a hard time, right?" O'Neill pushed.
"Yeah, if I'm honest," Janet said sadly. "You know Sam. She's so capable. Energetic. She hates watching it all going on around her."
"SG-1's not the same without her," O'Neill said. "The team doesn't work without her there."
"So you need to replace her," Janet prompted. "I know. She knows. She'll understand. It'll be tough for her, but she'll understand."
"You think that's why I'm here?" O'Neill asked.
"Isn't it?" Janet looked him square in the eye. "Look, Sir, I understand. You can't wait for ever. Sam will..."
"DOC!" O'Neill almost shouted. "That is absolutely the last thing on my mind. Truly. No, it's not that at all. I swear. In fact, I think what I want to talk to you about could be good for Carter. It could be great. I wanted to get your opinion before we go any further though."
"Sir?" Janet was intrigued.
"The diplomatic mission we went on two days ago. And last week. You heard about it?" O'Neill asked.
"Yes," Janet said. "I thought it was a fact-finding trip."
"It was," O'Neill said. "We wanted to find out if they'd let us use their sarcophagus. What they'd want from us to let us take it for a few days. Whether they were people we'd wanna deal with. What Hammond would have to agree to."
Janet's heart skipped a beat. "Sarcophagus?" she whispered. "You mean... Sam?"
"Yes, that's exactly what I mean. It went well, Janet," O'Neill smiled fondly at the small doctor. "They're good people. They hardly use it themselves. Only in absolute emergencies. They know all about its addictive properties. How it can turn people bad. They rescued it from an abandoned Goa'uld planet. And they want us to help them use their naqadah deposits to make generators. Carter could show 'em that in a heartbeat. Assuming she gets clearance to go on active duty again, that is. What do you think, doc? It would work on her, right?"
A tear escaped from the corner of Janet's eye, and trickled unnoticed down her cheek. "Yeah," she said eventually, her voice cracking with emotion. "I mean, I'd need to check a few things first. I should talk to Teal'c. And it would likely take two or three sessions, from what I know of the technology. We'd have to warn Sam she'd likely suffer some sort of minor withdrawal. But that would be minor. And as long as she only uses it this once, I guess it would work. Oh my God," she realized the enormity of what they were being offered. "I need to talk to Teal'c. I don't want to say anything to Sam before we can be sure. Oh Sir, this is amazing. Has General Hammond agreed?"
"It was his suggestion," O'Neill smiled. "He hates seeing Sam like this. Teal'c's away overnight, doc, he's on the planet. But he's back tomorrow morning. Looks like you'll just have to keep this to yourself until he's back. But it looks good, right?" his hopeful face tugged at Janet's heart strings. He cared so much about Sam, and was so excited at the possibility of a full return to health for her.
"It does, Sir," Janet smiled. "Thank you. So much."
"Don't thank me," he said gruffly. "I just need Carter back, I'm missing her scientific flatulence."
Janet smiled.
= = =
Sam was tired and depressed that evening. Janet tried her hardest to be light and cheerful, but for once she just couldn't get through. She persuaded Sam to relax on the couch with her after dinner, but even there, Sam was restless and antsy. Finally, at just after 9pm, Sam sat up. "I think I'm gonna hit the hay," she said to Janet.
"Okay, sweetie," Janet tried to keep her tone light. She hated seeing Sam so down. "I'll be up soon, huh?"
"Okay," Sam turned toward the door, leaning more heavily than usual on her cane. She stopped as she reached the doorway, and turned to face Janet. "I'm sorry, baby," she said in a small voice. "It's just..."
"A bad day," Janet finished for her, in a gentle voice. She went over to her and put her hand on Sam's arm. "I know, honey. Some days are worse than others. You don't have to explain. You should get some sleep. Things will look better in the morning."
Sam nodded, her emotions at breaking point. "I do love you, she whispered. "Always. Whatever happens, I'll never stop loving you."
Janet kissed her very softly on the lips. "I know that, Sam. I always have. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You're amazing. Just as you are. I'll be up in an hour or so. I think you need a little space to yourself. Want me to sleep in the spare room? I don't mind. Truly."
Sam shook her head vehemently. "No," she said firmly. "I need you with me."
"I'll be there later then, baby," Janet said, running her hand through Sam's thick hair.
"G'night," Sam said wearily.
= = =
Janet slid in under the covers two hours later. Sam was asleep, her head half under the pillow. Janet could still see that she had been crying. She tried to move without disturbing her lover, but even in her sleep, Sam detected the movement on the mattress. Without waking, she flung an arm round Janet and pulled her to her, snuggling into her front. Janet petted the top of her head, murmuring soothingly to her. In minutes, Sam was still again.
= = =
Janet was brought awake by Sam's thrashing legs and cries of anguish. "No!" Sam gasped, clearly in the throes of a terrible nightmare. "No! Janet. Don't touch her. Leave her. Take me," her breathing became more panicked. She started to cough. "No. Let me out. Water. Oh God," her words became almost incoherent, as she tried desperately to speak as her chest convulsed. "Can't breathe. Drowning. Janet!" she screamed as she sat bolt upright, waking herself with a start. She clutched hysterically at Janet's t-shirt, the panic overwhelming her. She couldn't breathe. She felt Janet's hands on her, trying to calm her down. She relaxed marginally knowing Janet was there, but still couldn't force oxygen into her lungs.
"Sam," Janet tried to remain calm. "Shh, honey. You had a bad dream," she reached over to the nightstand, and grabbed the nebulizer that Sam hated so much, switching it on with practiced ease. "No, baby, don't fight it. Please, Sam," Janet's tone was urgent as Sam fought blindly against the apparatus. "Listen to me, honey," her voice was authoritative. "Let me put this on you," Sam stilled somewhat in her arms. "That's it baby, you're doin' good. There, that's it, good," she held the mask over Sam's face. Sam's eyes opened and she looked up fearfully at Janet. "That's it, baby," Janet soothed. "Just a few more minutes. That feels better, huh?" she could see the panic start to leach away from her lover. "Just take it slow. You haven't done this for a while. Nearly three weeks. You're making progress, honey. I know it doesn't feel that way right now. But you are. There you go. That's good," Janet kissed her on her sweat-soaked brow, cupping her cheek tenderly. "That's it, Sam. It's nearly over now. You're gonna be okay honey."
After almost ten minutes, Janet judged it safe to remove the nebulizer from Sam's face. She reached over and replaced it on the nightstand. Still cradling Sam in one arm, she reached into the drawer and drew out a large cotton handkerchief, which she used to wipe the sweat from Sam's brow and upper chest. "There, that's better, huh?" she kept up a soothing running commentary. Sam started to shake in her arms, so she drew the thick blankets round her.
"Oh honey, I know it was awful," Janet said.
"Feel sick," Sam whispered. "Oh God, Janet. I hate this. I hate it," she tightened her grip on Janet's shirt, and started to cry. "I get so scared. I keep seeing him. He's there, and he's standing over you, and..."
"Shh," Janet said. "He's gone, baby. For ever this time. He's never going to hurt either of us again."
"I don't think I can do this for much longer," Sam's sobs were becoming hysterical. "I need to be able to protect you. I'm a wreck Jan. I'll never... I'll always be... I'm so weak and useless. I just..." her breathing quickened again, and panic started to set in.
"Sam!" Janet's tone was firm. "Just concentrate on breathing. Try and stay calm. We'll fix this, honey. We will."
"You can't!" Sam angrily tried to pull away from Janet, but in her weakened state could only struggle helplessly in her lover's arms.
"Sam!" Janet said again. "I need you to listen to me. Real close. Please honey. Just listen for two minutes."
Sam stilled again, and looked up at Janet, her expression anguished.
"I wasn't going to tell you this. Not until I got a chance to talk to Teal'c," Janet said. "But you need to hear it now. They've found a sarcophagus, Sam. We still need to finalize the details. And I want to make sure we know all about the side effects. But it looks like we're gonna be able to fix you, baby. Properly. You'll be back to your old self. No bad leg. No crappy lungs. Nothing."
Sam stared unbelieving at Janet. "How?" she croaked finally.
"That fact-finding missions the guys went on with SG-8. They weren't working out how to work without you. They were looking for a way to get you back in action. They miss you baby. They need you back," Janet realized that tears were running down her own face.
Sam reached up with a shaky hand and cupped Janet's cheek.
"There will likely be problems," Janet warned. "You may get some sort of withdrawal. I don't know how many sessions you might need. You'll likely feel kinda stoned. Hey," she smiled, "it'll be like being back at college all over again."
Sam smiled weakly. "Never did drugs," her voice shook.
Janet smiled. "Neither did I. I was trying to sound cool."
"You are cool," Sam said. "The coolest. The best."
Janet kissed her tenderly.