my last entry
When I got back, I had to say goodbye to “virtual” Flagstaff. It’s over, I said I would e-mail them again. But how can I? It will always be Genelle in the background... It’s gone. Kaput. It’s all fucking dead and I don’t know if I want to be any different... I have no sense of hope or anything right now, just pure pain and desperation. I was a good person there, I have always tried to do what was right... ALWAYS..
Tina talked to me about how she and G were having difficulties and that AJ treats her like crap and when G is with her they hurt her feelings a lot. So I [while confessing to liking the idea deep down to everyone, had to be honest in that] contacted Erika and asked if she was feeling the same thing. I knew I was not doing the smart thing, but I did not want all this shit to happen on my account. So Erika pretty much [and rightfully?] got angry at me, it was not my place, and I liked to hear negative things about G [true] and I was doing things behind her back. So Erika contacted Tina and told her to talk to G about this or she would. Well, at that point I had to leave for England, and I realised things were out of my hands anyway. So I can back, all I wanted to hear was if things were all right now, and the are.
So I contacted the lot of them (not G) and I told them I needed time to process all this, that I could not talk to them, it was a bad situation all round. And Tina obviously feels betrayed by me, Erika lost respect for me no doubt, G is happily shagging AJ AND is getting along better again with the rest of the gang... I can’t talk to them again...
All that while I am out... it’s all fucking rotting dead... I can’t ever remember having THIS much pain in my life and my soul, real things happening, with real people, as well as internal despair, physically unwell from travelling and living on English food. Tired, didn’t shower, unshaven and constantly coughing, feels like I might cough up my lungs anytime now... I feel fucking horrible inside, outside and everything in between.
To add injury to insult. I saw Sabrina, my pen-pal and reason for visiting England for about 4 hours, after that she was off to London to deal with her fucked up love-life, and she’s fucking up some other guy now too... Everything reminded of Genelle.... travelling, speaking English only, explaining the Dutch language, AIRPORTS.. God. the food even. The girl I stayed with was American. Airplanes, SO much time to think... nothing to do. I saw the couple I was staying with, they also went through SO MUCH when I was there, one quit her job, she’s 17 and has no VISA, a struggle to survive. But you could see it even though they did not say it, at least they have each other.
I fucking laid next to Genelle, dreamt about her.. it WAS SO FUCKING REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I Caressed her hair, the contours of her face, like I always did. “God, I’m never going to find someone as gentle as you again”. I saw her looking at her at me, straight in my eyes, to real for words. Then I woke up... IT WAS ALL A FUCKING LIE!!!!!!!! MY BED WAS EMPTY!!! AND SHE IS FUCKING AJ!!!!!!!! I miss her SO FUCKING MUCH!!!!!! And I felt so angry at her and at me, but all I wanted was to be with her, to lay next to her... And she fucking would not give me even the courtesy of postponing her then weak feelings for AJ to wait for when I arrived... GOD... Then she goes with him on that FUCKING TRIP she invited me to.. She was SO happy when I booked that flight... I DON’T wanna go through the anger again, I thought I was past that!!!
It’s SO painful... All I tried to do was the right thing and NOW IT’S ALL FUCKING DEAD!!!!!!! I tried so fucking hard to be a good person, even through all the pain, the humiliation, and now everybody thinks less of me and is getting along better with each other there...They’re all happy and I’m here wanting for anything, preferably a shotgun to the stomach, to end the pain. HELL, I WAS A FUCKING GOOD PERSON, I AM A VERY GOOD PERSON!!!!!!
Jasper came in, he said it, and he’s right. “You know it will pass” Yeah, I guess so, but what the fuck will this do to everything I ever believed in??? Is Onnie right? Should I never play love with my heart on my sleeve? Nah, she’s a Machiavellian bimbo who dumped me also.
Lennart, the one who always tried to persuade me of true love, and that sex without love is empty, just confessed to his entire mailing-list about his recent trio with a 2 d-cup women. And I decided to take the long hard road. No easy sex, even if I could get it from an attractive woman, it would only make me feel cheap, as well as utterly defeated and useless.
It’s so stupid, I know the answers, I did many good things, I am a good person. But the pain, the pain. I wish I could describe the pain of tears that literally burn because they are so thick when the leave your eyes. The complete sense of... Job, I suppose, when you see that you only always tried (and FUCKING DID!!!!) the right thing, never tried to just hurt anyone or anything, be the best person you could possibly be, and then end up feeling like this. The pain in your stomach, the constant pressing pain, and the big glob in your throat that makes every time you swallow painful...and I’m still coughing so hard it makes my throat sore...
Just for the record... I FUCKING TRIED!!!!! I NEVER FAILED GENELLE, I NEVER FAILED MYSELF!!!!! I DID EVERYTHING I THOUGHT WAS RIGHT, OVER CAME EVERY SINGLE FUCKING CHALLENGE WITHIN MYSELF, EVERY FEAR!!!!!!!
And now I am left feeling so fucking screwed and hopeless. (And sorry for myself). I know I should pick up the pieces and run with it, but I can’t not yet, not tonight. I feel so fucking inferior to Genelle and her happy little life of many great experiences in love and travelling and being SO fucking exited to go to France or whatever.
I feel forever doomed to compete with her in happiness, in lifestyle choices.
What does a man feel who knows he did nothing wrong and ends up in the lowest point of his life????? I wish I could describe it. I wish I could say for sure that I have hit rock bottom...... It’s all gone, everything I worked so hard for there, fucking gone... Nothing but memories now... MOTHERFUCKERS. I can’t live on pain, on anger, that isn’t me, it never works for me, the anger soon subsides and I have a vacuum in my soul again... So then what? Am I becoming a martyr for my own individual cause?
Oh well, let’s just pray that tomorrow brings something better, since I don’t think I can handle much worse, and life’s never supposed to give you more than you can handle... fuck off world, ehrm... I mean goodnight...
Tina talked to me about how she and G were having difficulties and that AJ treats her like crap and when G is with her they hurt her feelings a lot. So I [while confessing to liking the idea deep down to everyone, had to be honest in that] contacted Erika and asked if she was feeling the same thing. I knew I was not doing the smart thing, but I did not want all this shit to happen on my account. So Erika pretty much [and rightfully?] got angry at me, it was not my place, and I liked to hear negative things about G [true] and I was doing things behind her back. So Erika contacted Tina and told her to talk to G about this or she would. Well, at that point I had to leave for England, and I realised things were out of my hands anyway. So I can back, all I wanted to hear was if things were all right now, and the are.
So I contacted the lot of them (not G) and I told them I needed time to process all this, that I could not talk to them, it was a bad situation all round. And Tina obviously feels betrayed by me, Erika lost respect for me no doubt, G is happily shagging AJ AND is getting along better again with the rest of the gang... I can’t talk to them again...
All that while I am out... it’s all fucking rotting dead... I can’t ever remember having THIS much pain in my life and my soul, real things happening, with real people, as well as internal despair, physically unwell from travelling and living on English food. Tired, didn’t shower, unshaven and constantly coughing, feels like I might cough up my lungs anytime now... I feel fucking horrible inside, outside and everything in between.
To add injury to insult. I saw Sabrina, my pen-pal and reason for visiting England for about 4 hours, after that she was off to London to deal with her fucked up love-life, and she’s fucking up some other guy now too... Everything reminded of Genelle.... travelling, speaking English only, explaining the Dutch language, AIRPORTS.. God. the food even. The girl I stayed with was American. Airplanes, SO much time to think... nothing to do. I saw the couple I was staying with, they also went through SO MUCH when I was there, one quit her job, she’s 17 and has no VISA, a struggle to survive. But you could see it even though they did not say it, at least they have each other.
I fucking laid next to Genelle, dreamt about her.. it WAS SO FUCKING REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I Caressed her hair, the contours of her face, like I always did. “God, I’m never going to find someone as gentle as you again”. I saw her looking at her at me, straight in my eyes, to real for words. Then I woke up... IT WAS ALL A FUCKING LIE!!!!!!!! MY BED WAS EMPTY!!! AND SHE IS FUCKING AJ!!!!!!!! I miss her SO FUCKING MUCH!!!!!! And I felt so angry at her and at me, but all I wanted was to be with her, to lay next to her... And she fucking would not give me even the courtesy of postponing her then weak feelings for AJ to wait for when I arrived... GOD... Then she goes with him on that FUCKING TRIP she invited me to.. She was SO happy when I booked that flight... I DON’T wanna go through the anger again, I thought I was past that!!!
It’s SO painful... All I tried to do was the right thing and NOW IT’S ALL FUCKING DEAD!!!!!!! I tried so fucking hard to be a good person, even through all the pain, the humiliation, and now everybody thinks less of me and is getting along better with each other there...They’re all happy and I’m here wanting for anything, preferably a shotgun to the stomach, to end the pain. HELL, I WAS A FUCKING GOOD PERSON, I AM A VERY GOOD PERSON!!!!!!
Jasper came in, he said it, and he’s right. “You know it will pass” Yeah, I guess so, but what the fuck will this do to everything I ever believed in??? Is Onnie right? Should I never play love with my heart on my sleeve? Nah, she’s a Machiavellian bimbo who dumped me also.
Lennart, the one who always tried to persuade me of true love, and that sex without love is empty, just confessed to his entire mailing-list about his recent trio with a 2 d-cup women. And I decided to take the long hard road. No easy sex, even if I could get it from an attractive woman, it would only make me feel cheap, as well as utterly defeated and useless.
It’s so stupid, I know the answers, I did many good things, I am a good person. But the pain, the pain. I wish I could describe the pain of tears that literally burn because they are so thick when the leave your eyes. The complete sense of... Job, I suppose, when you see that you only always tried (and FUCKING DID!!!!) the right thing, never tried to just hurt anyone or anything, be the best person you could possibly be, and then end up feeling like this. The pain in your stomach, the constant pressing pain, and the big glob in your throat that makes every time you swallow painful...and I’m still coughing so hard it makes my throat sore...
Just for the record... I FUCKING TRIED!!!!! I NEVER FAILED GENELLE, I NEVER FAILED MYSELF!!!!! I DID EVERYTHING I THOUGHT WAS RIGHT, OVER CAME EVERY SINGLE FUCKING CHALLENGE WITHIN MYSELF, EVERY FEAR!!!!!!!
And now I am left feeling so fucking screwed and hopeless. (And sorry for myself). I know I should pick up the pieces and run with it, but I can’t not yet, not tonight. I feel so fucking inferior to Genelle and her happy little life of many great experiences in love and travelling and being SO fucking exited to go to France or whatever.
I feel forever doomed to compete with her in happiness, in lifestyle choices.
What does a man feel who knows he did nothing wrong and ends up in the lowest point of his life????? I wish I could describe it. I wish I could say for sure that I have hit rock bottom...... It’s all gone, everything I worked so hard for there, fucking gone... Nothing but memories now... MOTHERFUCKERS. I can’t live on pain, on anger, that isn’t me, it never works for me, the anger soon subsides and I have a vacuum in my soul again... So then what? Am I becoming a martyr for my own individual cause?
Oh well, let’s just pray that tomorrow brings something better, since I don’t think I can handle much worse, and life’s never supposed to give you more than you can handle... fuck off world, ehrm... I mean goodnight...